3rd Excerpt from ‘finding waldo’

3rd Excerpt

QUEST 2: Pt. “Who?”

ACT II: GateWay


the saga of many

Episode 11


Starship of the Left Nostril


The judge sentenced us to life on Mars.

Mars was too far away, so they made it to the moon*.

*This, of course, would take a lot of money, but they were headed that way anyways and they wanted to try something. Convicts in space!!

* * *

Anyhoo, I’ll have you know-for you’ll be wanting to know[that] the He-giant* was sitting just beside me. Part robot now**


Kenny Boy  **mechanical parts replacing vital organs and some non-vital ones, but who’s to say a penis isn’t vital?

* * *

Yes: Sitting in a motorized chair was our public enemy of the year.

This was the sinspawn of the Man in Red.

L L L :pots tser

NOT SOON AFTER, IF YOUR counts come in geological time, he was a eleven foot, six hundred pound tyrant I myself had paralyzed to free the World from being rippled apart by a Doomsday Machine so cool that hippies protested it! à

à an Apocalypse made to shift the continents together, and WHAM all existence to a zeroworld*

* ,oh in earthquakes, tidal waves.  Trading card fads.

L L L :pots tser

Now, he was a crippled Colossus in a motorized cart.

From Goliath to Stephen Hawking, he goes.

Consider this anyways: if you wanna understand the following events, you’ll have to understand that I had vowed to Ylgu himself I’d keep Kenny Boy safe.

You had to understand that Kenny Boy had once been good.

..Kenny Boy’s violently pink eyes only concentrated now on his hate for humanity, and most of all, his love for hate!..

L L L :pots tser

Thus the hammer dropped and the judge gave the order: “Mr. Manning, you have been found guilty of draining half the world’s resources, and killing near a third of the world’s population.. Unintentionally.  How do you plead?J

J You’d think they’d jes take me in the back of the nearest Chinese food place and shoot me.


L L L :pots tser Should I be jumping for joy?

THE JUDGE JES SHOOK HIS whiskers. “How  you could fall asleep at your own trial-(and that which would decide the fate of the rest of your life)-is beyond my education. However you plead anyway, whether ‘Guilty’ or ‘I was framed!’-you better plead it now, son.  The jury of your peers are starting to look uninterested.”

L L L :pots tser

The only front page of the newspaper my last days on this earth was One:

-With my face and the profiles of fifty or so Shivring others found on the surface of an incident that was notan Accident. and me sitting pretty next to the heir of the Man in Red who planned it; I was blamed for half of it all in the end.

A spy, it seemed, had burst out from our orphans and blabbed it all.

rest stop: J J J

HOWEVER, THAT DID not quench the lust of the Blaming finger.

Point, point, point à

how it jabs at me!

I was the talk of all the website forums, and people put fake naughty pictures of me on the Internet!

I was taken aback. I mean, I was stricken. Instant Banning from all their cliques and social clubs.

L L L :pots tser

Flip the page, please.

L L L :pots tser

*Flip*.  I was only looking for my stolen virginity for God’s sake–  really.  I showed them a picture of it too, asked them if they’d seen it;  But they just got all confused on me. Thought I was bespooked. You can believe anything, can’t you..

Most likely, you can. That’s what saved me minds from being cook’d anywayJ .

J the “Insanity!” plea.

rest stop: J J J

Long story short, they decided to exile me unto the moon as a substitute for a monkey, and that was it- they’d had enough of me to care enough to pull the trigger.

Never heard of that as a penalty before myself, though I su’pose it was a humane one, and with the hippies in the legislature. It’s better than the nut house, anyways, or getting my brain fried to burgers by Western hospitality, or worse*–  *what’s worse?

rest stop: J J J

Anywho, kick all Slice-of-Life goodbye,

I’m headin to the stars!!

Chapter 2

on that day, the world was changed forever.

I‘m here to take you places. First place: the Lunar Exhibit.

You must understand: Sincelongbeforethelawofgravitywaspassed, the natural Order of things: Laws of Science, and  Reason.  Have held me back; tied  me  together; Walled Me In fromtheenticingescapadesofSuper Science- of Fantasy;but no more!

I fly.

L L L :pots tser

BY THE TIME I HAD FINISHED describing the last sentence, we had arrived at the Deck where we would be fired; discharged à off à away à   somewhere.

“Sorry, Kenny, but we gotta get on this,” I told him, indicative of the ship.

L L L :pots tser

Anyhoo, he turned  from me, looking swampy-eyed into the sunset, or sun death, or maybe the earth was risingL .

L if you want to go more scientific and make it boring.   Okay! J

“Here, my Joy,” I said, becoming all the employee(s) in his assisted healthcare. “I’ll put the helmet on for you.”

Course he turned away and began to putter off towards the deck, rolling over my littlest toe so that I let out the loudest scream.

“So-o,” I said, sorta smiling, not grinning, but attempting some kinda positive body movement. “Guess you think you can take care of yourself. Can’t ya, Kenny Boy? Ha.”

-He just lawnmowered off into the rocket, popping toes, then the door slammed shut.

L L L :pots tser

Kenny’s thoughts: I’m not a lunatic.  I’m not.  I’m jes awkward around large, explosive, things!

rest stop: J J J

Here I’d sigh and let my feet dangle off the boarding deck, but who cares*

* , I don’t dream anymore

rest stop: J J J

UP NOW, I LOOKed off to where a six foot ball of orange fur in a space suit and snow boots had taken form, all in the space of a second. Whatever it was, it had blue, curling lips, and purple gums leading up to warm, fragile eyes so deep you could take a bath in them.. It looked like an orangutan.

“What’s with the spider monkey?” I said.

It laughed deep as its pools rippled and said, “Back in old country, they referred to me as à

“What’s Old Country? Is it sick?”

rest stop: J J J

Mother Russia,” explained the monkey. “N I am called General Nikolai Gorbachov Mikhailovich the Third- but of course zat’s no girl’s name, so it’s very insultingJ .” Her tragic backstory was she was mistaken at birth.

J we found out later He was a She. But I won’t bore you with long introductions.

-Went by the name of General Nikolai Gorbachov Mikhailovich III,  but  she  was  just so cute and fwuffy and adorabubble that everybody jes called her Mr. Chimp Chimp for short!

rest stop: J J J

She was a 400 poundL warring female orangutan from the Russian Federal Space Agency (RFSA), 20 years retired. She was about to die anyways, they said, so they thought they’d send her up on a final mercy mission.

Mister Chimp Chimp, was it?” I say.

“Affirmative.Ooh,  Ooh,  OOOOK!   Excuse me; I have a cough, yu see.”

So, naturally, I asked her what we’ve all been asking, though not thinking we’ve been asking it: “Like,

How can you talk?”

“I don’t really know. Ck-comradeJ .’

J Russians gotta say ‘Comrade” every once in a while to get the stereotype out of their system..

I said. “..Well that doesn’t make much sense.”

Said she, “Neither does anything you think or say,” and made an unintelligible monkey sound. “Hoo-hoo! Ha! Ha!

rest stop: J J J

I liked her already*.   

*We should so totally have a burger sometime!!

rest stop: J J J

We reached for the stars, anyways. 

rest stop: J J J

On our way.

The J and L stood strictly blushing anyway, the J stuck out its tongue; the L winked.

“Fascinating,” said Mr. Chimp Chimp. “Are theyàrabbits?” She fly-blinked..“Hey, shut up!! à you know I meant ‘robots’à so are they?”

I explained, “Robots like mixed nuts and bolts-that’s all they talk about.” I felt the weight of the umbrella in my hand.

L L L :pots tser

Then they had all but left, a sad no-neck came back and put a paw on my shoulder. ‘Good luck,” said he*, and for a second, his neck showed. “I mean it now: Good luck.  That’s our rocket. It’s our baby.  We spent plentya time mothering it, nursing it-  putting this rust bucket together,  changing its oily diapers.  It’s all for you

* , the one who had made the rocket

“This permanent reassignment ‘exile’ is for a definite purpose;  So You Can Start   Building that Megascope and get a litle Railroad community booming around it. Community service, or death.  I hope the hippies in the legislature know what they’re doing when they send you up here.  Just to let you know: you won’t be un-watched,” Turning away, then flipping back so he knew he meant it. “We won’t be unawares.”

They sent us off with a team that were heading up that way anyways.

Blast off! Um.

rest stop: J J J

Now, a storm of pure smoke and fire below us, the endless stars and icy moon above.

And.  So*.

* Without further intercourse..

… What are you waiting for, Q-burt? Do it already.

Thus, the bird made Tall aspiration, bowing off like Orion’s arrow- until it was all but  lost in the suns above.

~See ya, Space Cowboy~

No way . . .   That’s great! . . .



— Jim Carrey,

Dumb and Dumber.

[insert thumbs-up here.]  You made it!

. . . You deserve two gold stars J J .

Chapter 3

To Get this Over Quick,

if you own the song ‘Corner of the Sky’ by Jackson 5Five. Play it. Play it now.

+ + +

Look: Abel lays drifting on a pillow of cloud as rocked by the tides of an orange peel moon. What’s your sign?



The Desert Doesn’t Question,

The Moon Smiles With Truth

We’re in space, by the way. On the moon. It’s great.

Here, I wondered over several moon-related topics. Is there a city on the moon, or inside it?   Would the dark side of the moon be a cold cheddar?

No,  as the Popculture phenomenon, “Amazon Women on the Moon,’ teaches us, “We’re  here  to  dispel those myths.”  I’m here to reinstate them.

rest stop: J J J prepare to have your minds fudged.


L L L :pots tser  On the Moon:

IT WAS a ghostly waste of a dead world, a strip of lunatic desolation. Complexion of spilt milk. Eerie and  dead and  gray L .

L bleak, bleak. OH, it was.

The Bleakest.

Wait-What’s that?

. . . It seemed we were experiencing a cheesequake.

L L L :pots tser

IN SUCH darkness, I stood upon a moon in crumbs and began to walk unevenly.  More leaps and bounds than actual walking anyway; but I didn’t find anything real interesting to be sure. Lunar, lunar everywhere, and not a spot to tinkle; my god! only there was no water, and with that, no life. This was a graveyard.

But I knew where the life was.

L L L :pots tser

So I sat on cold ashen moon and stood my obnoxious umbrella behind me as I looked up to a world ententacled in scraggly ?-Marks like your little sister’s hair bows,  scared though she was for catching you in her panty closet.

Up in the sky:

there was a black orb what lay high and quiet in the, erm: in the Black Outer Layer ofitall . I couldn’t see much other than black, understand? but I knew it was my earth.  “It’s my favorite planet, Mr. Alien, don’t blow it up,” said the little girl. “That’s where I keep all my stuff!

Anyway, that  outline in night Up  Above,  that  was  home.

L L L :pots tser

Dawn came upon this black orb, a plum, and ran unevenly. And the whole of it lit up with blue fire.

No tears, no pain.

rest stop: J J J

I know everything looked diplomatic and everything, this blueberry earth, but at the same time I knew there was war. Yet everything seemed so unified. I don’t get it, but I dosuppose. . à

à that this miniature orb of blue n green floating around like a speck of sawdust in the universeJ could contain within it so much death and pain and  natural disaster. So much struggle n doubt, and emergency as well!;well: To compare it to a fruit seems to me just ß unfair.

J I could just eat it all up, but then I’d have to eat you. It’s your planet.

L L L :pots tser

So I performed an unfair staring contest* upon the earth,

*since it had no means to stare back.

Everything in earth was disconnected.

The hills and valleys and mountains:  They were disconnected.

The forests and deserts, and streams too:  Twere apart.

The countries and nations and cities:

Ha! Too clear! They were headed to war.

Either within themselves or without, you’ll find everything is struggling to divide itself like a split atom.

!suoivbo ooT !aH

Hear me. The forests and deserts, and streams too:  They were in civil separation.

L L L :pots tser

THE CONTINENTS HAD shifted- certainly a fragment of Pangaea, and also too: everybody was distant, and away, long gone, and the meaning of the Star Wars mantra: . . . Far.

There was no near and there was no close. Only distance and absence and far à



rest stop: J J J

We are all islands, I suppose is the main bullet-point here.

Drifting, drifting–  drifting through space, you’d best remember that point. It comes in play later.

but Here!  the moon!

..There were no lines.

rest stop: J J J

Wrapping this up..

So, for a bit of you, and a bit of myself, I wanted to bring them all together. To simply pinch them with my fingers, Make em all one again. One brotherhood of man, a sisterhood of woman;one great galloping Transvestite, I spose, coz combining the Brotherhood with the Sistren would so totally make that!

To do thisàwell it’s quite easy, you see, it’s all in the magic! You let yourself believe-(not that anything is possible, no!)-but that, for the things that are- of which cannot be disproven- you  make  yourself  not  doubt their possibility..


Let me help you.

:< :0 :)

So I take you by the waist, and you resist a little, and slap me across the face, and don’t return my phone calls, and so I decide to do it myself; -lifting up thumb and forefinger with a berry clenched between them, ere I peer- a tad lonely and rejected- through the C-scope that my fingers has made, and of the magics you should be getting.

Now I close the gap tight, doping myself with the belief that one day everything could be all together, in tune with nature.

rest stop: J J J

Anyway, my imagining it alone would do nothing.

Here was a world divided against itself, and a world divided against itself will — no, I’m not going to say ‘not stand.’ A world can’t stand. It has no feet!

No, but it will continue to wander and to war and to remain as scattered islands. Drifting, drifting- Zutu zutu as a cloud, so the Japanese sayL L . Continually drifting apart.

L L you’ll find I’m very well-traveled.  A wandering hobo doesn’t have much else to do, you see..

Here’s a new idea: Instead of my whining and bitching, let’s solve this problem.

->So could Anybody bring us all together?

I mean, what could unify us?-


rest stop: J J J

COULD IT TAKE a single person to make us singular?-but that had to be a hell of a person. More than just human, to be sure.  More divine, if it’s a word you’d dare use in the coffeehouse break room, but people’d just point and stare.

But sadly, Michael Jackson has passed away . . . and if you read the last episode of Superman à there was a death in the DC Universe.

L L L :pots tser

POINT being: whether depressed about the Jackson 5ive breakup or unreturned phone calls à (555-555-im single) ß I decided I’d see what ole Mr. Chimp Chimp was doin, maybe I’d catch up on that burger.  There was no one else sane enough to talk to here anyways, not the guards* because, first acquaintanceships with minor characters always make my stomach queasy, and I already spoonfed Kenny.

Any way you put it,  she was probably working on a Pulitzer  Prize or something.  Some crazy new scheme to save the world.



rest stop: J J J

Yes, in today’s age we have names for everything.

Chapter 4

Said the Chimp, “SO THEY SENT you up here on rocket without Enough fuel to get back?

“Isn’t she great, ladies and gentleman? Give her a paw.”

They gave me the whole leg.

Scattered applause peed down from the audience offstage, and the camera crew behind them, though there was no sound in space so they had to clap extra hard to be noticed.

We did shoot on location.

“It’s more real that way,” said our Producer.

Now answer the damned question!” she demanded, said the Chimp. I won’t say it wasn’tcute. A talking orangutan.

L L L :pots tser

Lady àIsaid, and smiled. I had to smile, I had to!J And rose. I said, “But they said they’d come back for me after my sentence was, you know~done.

J had.

“Your sentence is done, you just punctuated it. Hoo-hoo Ha, ha! What a riot I am, we’re the best of friends!J J ,” Mr. Chimp Chimp said all this, then scowled as she looked twards the guards lined all MonkeyTSoldier next to the Phoenix, smiling and shuffling cards; she said, “Too much price for just one person,” her accent coming on thickly all of a sudden. “I’m afraid they’re not coming back neither, friend PetersonL L L ,” and gestured round the gray dust. “This,   This moon.    This is eXile.”

J J “We should get that burger,” she said- Though she preferred melon.   L L L due to a mix-up, she thought my name was Peterson. I had to correct her, “No, Abel.   Aybowl.”

“Holy crap!” I said.

rest stop: J J J

Yes, comrade. As you Americans say, ‘Holy crap!’ would be the correct expression to use here.”

L L L :pots tser

Now, I stole back to where Kenny was, still huddled up in that corner of His Phoenix, snuggling the cotton candy pet he’d madeJ J .

J J in the Arts & Crafts fair they’d set up for our jaild entertainment.

He was having a hard time adjusting to this new motorized chair of his, people wiping his holy bum all dayL .

L holy crap: only possible if it came from the ass of Olympus.

Says the Trumpet Player, “That lucky ole sun . . .  Gets to roll around heaven all day.”

rest stop: J J J

So; Bored, I peered around the ship, N saw Kenny Boy trying to perform a sit up on his own and use one of those suction toilets with the blue flush; but all the poor bastard could do was bull the door until it splintered off, and even then he couldn’t just eject himself into the toilet- now that’d be embarrassing.

If you knew me, you’ll know I felt sorry for him. Even though I hated him. Naturally, I hurried over to the Phoenix, into the bathroom where Kenny Boy’s head peaked thru the sky roof; and I put one foot to the toilet, and the other foot on the motorized chair, and tried to shake him loose. We did have drywall. It gave us a more homey appeal, what with this being our eternal reformatory.

The Phoenix was just some portable John anyways..

rest stop: J J J

Boy, But He Was Stuck!  So I had to go back to get the guards, and tell Kenny Boy “Wait.

It took a lot of help to get him out.

L L L :pots tser

I WENT to see what Mr. Chimp was doing. “Hey, have you ever heard of Tang?”

I DECIDED to mess around with Mrs. Chimp. “Hey, Gorbachov!”

But Ms Chimp had only to look up. .

She looked sad.

Anywho, I really wanted to talk to anybody à even a wind-up monkey, that’s body enough. The guards weren’t ever in the mood to gossip with a convict like me, you understand, and Kenny Boy; well à

à can you believe it, he just got stuck in the sky roof again? We’re still on the moon, you know. It’s great! L

rest stop: J J J

She was working on some gadget, anyways.

“Hey, monkey manJ ,” I said, so to not offend. “Where in ell’s the flux capacitor?” coz you know, I was already toying with her machine.

J “Monkey woman,” she almost corrected me, just before saying, ‘Hey~!” in a very girlish manner.

“Not a flux capacitor,” said she.

We talked for a good hour.

“That’s disappointing,” I said, “So you’re famous and got canned for child pornography. Well, I’m infamous.” I stared at the planet.

rest stop: J J J

The Chimpers put her paw on my shoulder. “Abel, are you alright, lil buddy, ittle pal?” she said this to me, and said, “You’ve been staring into that big blueberry for so long I thought you’d drill a hole in it with your brain,” she said, “if that were at all possible,” I said. “Are you quite alright, friend Peterson?” she said.

“Please,” I answered.  “Call me Mr. Peterson.   Lady, what’s your name?”

“Meridith,” she told me.

“Good, I’ll be sure not to call you that.   Yeah, I know you’re kidding.”

We talked for a solid year.

“What are you thinking about?” said Ms. Chimp.

“Well, nothing.”

“I see, you’re feeling like a Mashuga nut,” Ms. Chimp said, propping up her chin with an oversized paw as she Hoo-Hoo’d towards our Phoenix bird. “I don’t know about you hominidsJ J J J J J , but when I think, I actually rant about subjects and issues and occurrences and events, not à I donoà NOthing.” She studied my face with a stethoscope, a megaphone; a beaker.

J J J J J J a word us science geeks can appreciate.

I don’t listen, I never do. For my stare had chained itself back on the earth and fixed its thought deep into the textures of the blue ball.

So Mr. Chimp turned on me. “But if it’s about the earth . . . ” she said.

L L L :pots tser

Then, comrade, don’t lose sleep. We’ll be back somehow, someday . We just have to look for your meaning of life first, is that right?..” And she laughed. “How did you know about that?” I said. She said, “That’s your primary objective, isn’t it?  Though I can’t understand why we have to mop the galaxy for this meaning of life of yours. I don’t think it left the plum.” We’ll make it ‘round the [solar] system and be back for tea, she told me.

rest stop: J J J

Hey, I got a banana, do you want one?”

“Actually, yes, sir. But that’s none of your problems.”

What’s the flippin difference, Apes?  Monkeys?

She said, “I don’t believe a creature of your cognizant faculties could quite grasp the enormity of that extremity.”

Make sense.” I put a hand to the sun, ouched away on account of the flame, and shielded my boiling eyes. “Talk English, Cosmonaut. I’m American. I don’t know any others.”

She gripped my chin. “Dar-ling,” she told me. “Shut it.”

rest stop: J J J

I needed a massage.

Chapter In-Between, a lunar sunrise.

Abel, on location, witness’d one of these.

“Would you just look at that full moon?” / “Full earth.” Remember where we are?    Good.    We may be here for a while — longer.”

On earth you hurt yourself when you fall down. On the moon à not so much.

Chapter 5 Year Plan (

Abel, Where ‘do” you ‘see” yourself “in five years?” // “The”-state-“peniten-chi-ary.”)

Some say when they look up, they see an old man. I see a lady, however that’s only because I haven’t had a date in yearsJ , so I’m sexy as hell all the time, and I drive a Mars rover.

J and, being a gentleman . . .

Skip This Part If It Confuses you.

“!Keep the camera   . This is an important   in the study. Do not bLoRg it. Danger! Subject is aware. Danger. Danger. This could completely endanger the ’s life. Fix it. Fix   quick. M will hear about this, M is watching, M will be very disappointed. Inform

Mr. Ylgu we have a malfunction and send the subject a pick-up right away. Get subject off that           continent before subject endangers all       lives. And do something about that earth plant. End of transmission?’

L L L :pots tser

We were talking about where we could find some new fuel (coz we needed it to, you know, get out of here)

“And where did you find it?” I said to the orange fuzzy person.

You’re not gonna believe this.  “The Lady in the Moon’s left nostril,” she said. She said she had found something of interest in there./

“What is that? Personification?”

She said, “No, dudeThere really is a Lady in the Moon.” // But shoved up her left nostril?-Right?”

“Affirmative, comrade. No, the left!

“A lady in the moon?-RightJ .’  I sucked off my fingers, one by one. I don’t why I did that, or for what significance. I think I was thinking of cake.

J Negative. Left,” she corrected me.

rest stop: J J J “is that a fact?’

Yes’n, fact: THE MOON IS a titanic biomechanical, prototype, alien, quantum singularity, built to monitor all life on earth- well, all cognizant life.”  // “No it’s not.” 

“We’ll see.”  / “We better.”

By the way, Kenny Boy was rolling towards us with a dozen men or so either up his ass, or around some manner of corner, chasing after him in a moon buggy, yet Kenny Boy’s wheel throne of destiny still managed to stay in front. Good for him. He had run off with all the toilet paper.

That onethat.  That’s our way out,” the Chimpers indicated Kenny Boy’s chair.

“How in Carl’s blessed name is Kenny Boy gonna get us outta here?”

I said that.

She told me how she had attached a rocket to it, a wheel to steer, and something else..

àa rocket? oh ho-ho, ye-yes!” this Mr. Chimp Chimp affirmed, nodding. “We’ll be wanting to attach this whuzzoo to Kenny Boy’s wheel chair. Then we can steer it wherever we want. See?”

So this is how we’re gonna get off the moon?” / “Partly. But.” / “Aren’t there laws against this?” / “Oh, but we’re convicts.  We’ve already broken in all the laws. Now, everything is free as can be.  But.”

Chimp Chimp shook her big, muscular head. “But this is how we get around to the dark side of the moon, away from the guards,

and onward ho!to Lady Moon’s left nostril.   Bless her big bountiful heart.”

“You’re serious.”

L L L :pots tser

WE BOARDED the tiny vessel.  His rocket chair.

For, in her hand, was the remote control to Kenny Boy’s wheel rocket.

Your stinkin loveliness! I could totally kiss you for that!

Son of a biscuit.

I landed in Kenny Boy’s lap.

rest stop: J J J

Said I, “Hi. So you found me?” Nervousness. “Hey, Good for you!

Kenny Boy scowled.

Yes, OUR jailers were still chasing after us via a moon buggy, but they couldn’t keep up. Where would we go? The Chimpers was doing some last-minute tune-ups. “Mr. the Chimp! Work faster, you squirrel!L

L Oh, now, I’m a squirrel then, are we?

She looked up, or down, or to whatever direction I was at the time, “Genius takes time!”, so the wise Owl tells me. Working.

rest stop: J J J

Genius takes seconds!”

Where is this left nostril?”


And we were there.

“However, currently, it is on the dark side of the moon.” The moon had darkened. We were all in our space suits.

“Hand me a monkey wrench,” said Mr. Chimp Chimp.

Ha!   You said ‘it’.”

Well, pin me a tail and take my name for serious, so I did!” said Mr. Chimp Chimp. “Hand me an ‘ape’ wrench then. Oook: do all continued jokes we from Here ‘til Death have to be about my being a monkey or should I make fun of you for being a hobo and for sticking that thumb up your nose much too often?  If we get in any major accident, you know, you may be a very brain-damaged boy, and then Kenny Boy will have to change your diapersL .”

L I see the future, and there will be a lot more monkey jokes, yesJ J

J J This is a Sci-Fi book and all science demand more adorable chimps.

Just a few minor adjustments and à


We’re off! Whoosh!” said the Chimpers’ voice~.

“By the way, stranger: If you have the song, I highly encourage you listen to this eternal classic as we wiggle a bit to increase the overall experience,” Elton John’s Rocket Man. :Zero hour, 9A.M.

-“Go ahead. Play it,” in two earfuls.

L L L :pots tser

Prepare yourselves for a very unconventional meeting,’ they had only wanted to warn us. The guards.

Chapter =6

WE FOUND A  nostril the size of a pond, breathing in, breathing out.

Says the Gopher,

Give your ears a rest, STOP LISTENING TO ME.

It only gets worse from hear on.

I warn you.

rest stop:


-If I were you, and I weren’t, I’d play “Moonlight Drive” by the freakin’ Doors as we are lazing down the Sea of Tranquility in our lunar rover, it’s fun!

Let’s swim to the moon, uh huh

Let’s climb through the tide

The Chimpers began to explain to me about the Starship of the Left Nostril.

“What’s the Starship of the Looft Nostril anyway?” I wondered, and the Chimpers, too annoyed of me to speak; I had to ask it twice. “It’s Left, not Looft, comradeL ,” and the Starship of the Left Nostril is dried, gelatinous nasal mucus.

L yes, ‘comrade’ was a large part of her personality.

Which means?

“It’s a booger.” Boy, I hope to George it has bathrooms!  Kenny Boy hadn’t taken that fine, contemporary dump yet.

rest stop: J J J

Wait, wait, wait,” I said. “We’re going to fly through space in a moon booger?”-correct?

I could see the thoughts swimming ‘round in her eyes, searching mine for disappointment. Yes, Love.

Let’s swim out tonight, love
It’s our turn to try
// Parked beside the ocean on our moonlight drive

Freakin sweet! Whoa~!” and laid back on this rocket chair, nearly falling off I was so excited. Then I looked to Mr. Chimp Chimp, pressing the intercom button on my throat just to say, “And what type of ship is it?” Besides a booger, I mean, “how we gonna fly it?”

L L L :pots tser

The Chimpers [briefly]explained how an ancient alien race used to use it to monitor life on earth through the sleep cycles of humanity’s dreams, and that only insomniacs are safe from their dreamy influence.

Wowzers!” I said, pumicing my hands together and putting a light in the dark so you know where I am. “You mean, all that time I’ve been sleeping at night?” adding in more jokes about monkeys, but she obviously didn’t seem to think my monkey-themed humoresque was the cutting edge in the comedy guild, so I quit it.

rest stop: J J J

..and so, the gap would narrow, as if the moon were a bright Colossus breathing in; and then widen, as if God were breathing out, blasting yellowgreen. The Nostril.

“The key to this,” said the Chimpers, one finger made high in the air As  a  Matter  of  Smarts. “-is to enter when the Celestial Body breathes in. Never ever-Never out.”

A profound calm comes to her here, though it didn’t visit long. Said it had to jump train and make it to her sisters’ house.

Of course, the door’s unlocked, so we don’t need a key.”

L L L :pots tser

Look to the left nostril in the moon, I dare your head!

On the rim of sanity,

Thanks  for  Taking  the Dare,  No  One  Else  WouldJ , you’ll see a little snot-nosed creature, walking on seven arms with flirty tail piercing nine-dimensional heaven; and when the moon again breathed, the little green snot gave out a noiseless squeal. Boom! Zap! I could only just see its face and its thousome eyes glaring because of how awesome I am, and then the creature was sucked in, one leg at a time being torn apart and into nostril. Whoa!

This is serious.

I told her, No, ma’am. “That little green impossibility down there tried with great strides and ended up as newly stuffed sausage links. Why should us going in be any different than E.T.’s?- he had a movie!”

rest stop: J J J

Let’s swim to the moon, uh huh
Let’s climb through the tide

Surrender to the waiting worlds
That lap against our side

The left nostril coughed.

In sudden prayer, I asked for a comet to bring me sweet relief.

Somebody get me down! -or up. -Or, or.  –

Or something. Dot.

Chapter Uh. 7

Play a game with me. Come o-n!J

J over here, buddy!

Patty cake, Patty cake, Baker’s ma–

Imagine sailing through so many hallways and doorways in such numerity that they can’t be counted before your fingers run out.

You are in that hallway. You’ve seen it before. This isn’t uncommon.

-Only this hallway wasn’t a dead space, but an actual orgasm*. Um.

Permit me one mistake.- Sheesh! *Organism-  Living, Breathing! Eh-hem- *clears throat*. .

rest stop: J J J

Then imagine this organism has a nostril, TENs of them!-and in the biggest of the nostrils-(the leftest, of course, not the right)-was the gimpy giant in the rocket chair..the Russian cosmonaut in her orange fur. And the banana guy.

We’re all in for one wild ride.

Kenny Boy shuddered, ere his mouth open like he wanted to throw something, but I don’t think he could, even with the proper motivationL L L .

L L L Someone to insult. Someone to hate L .

rest stop: J J J

NOW, YOU’RE NEVER gonna believe this on account of it’s a Monday, and Mondays are usually so scheduled that they make no room for the Unexpected, but a cloud of hairs as long as the Olympic javelin à eh. Hit us. There were hairs in this nostril..

Nose hairs… God!

Below, the earth just fell away, and what appeared as a tarantula hissed, and, for once, it wasn’t Kenny Boy’s rebellious hairdo.

It threw a few more spines at us, but it didn’t matter-for my fuckn J umbrella shot a line of fire at the freak and it blasted apart. It looked like George Myrtleburd. That’s my next-door neighbor. You don’t know him.

I asked the Chimpers, What was that thing? “The Left Nostril holds many secrets-Don’t even get me started on the right one,” she finally answered me. “Here! Take this route.” She also took my hand, pointing it to a cavern down the way. Listen.

There- (in a cove supported by pillars shaped like the hour-glasses in action fliks whose time was running out) -we journeyed off towards what appeared to be the entryway of a well-fed stomach. “Don’t go in there, it’s icky in there,” said Mr. Chimp Chimp, explaining, as Gandalf does, the air doesn’t smell nearly so foul down, erà ; pointing*.

*When in doubt, always follow your nose.

Looking at my Nose cross-eyed made me dizzy so I quit.

Ere we turned away, following our noses till we stumbled,,,

rest stop: J J J

,,On the ground were winged things, looking up at us.

rest stop: J J J

Question: Why does every alien creature resemble something on earth, and bug-like?

“We’re upside down,” said the Chimpers. “Jujuwaks usually hang from the ceiling.”

O,” my mouth says.

rest stop: J J J

Let us pass away from the jujuwaks, come on, we can do it!-and into the decay of a sweet mushroom forest with rainbow growth and the long body of a hulking cow the size of an aircraft carrier, no I’m serious.

It walked with a sorta primeval grace. Swaying back and forth on the road between hither and yon, its tail batting off pterodactyl-like creatures, making the noise of giraffes {which is nothing}.

“And so . . . the cow jumped over the moon,” said the Chimp.

“I always thought that had to be some cow. To jump that high.”

Mr. Chimp Chimp looked over at me and nodded- “The best cow.”

rest stop: J J J

A blur of Phantasmagoria. Creatures with teeth, Creatures with claws, there will be eyes. God knows there were dozens of arms and legs.

Oh, but at least it had bathrooms. Real nice and refurbished ones tooL like the restroom facilities inside the Sydney Opera House, if you’ve ever shat there.

L L L :pots tser

The only problem was, you couldn’t tell the alien anatomies apart; male, female. Everything was scrabbled in Moonblems.

rest stop: J J J

Anyhoo, everything was going pretty freakin sweet; we’d just seen this hippo-like creatureL , hot pink, with helichopper wings sprout out its head like-

L everything’s ‘like’ some creature taken of earth, so you know Sci-Fi [fantasy] artists were never that creative, always stealing some blueprint offa God. Only God could do better than this. They dig his science, but they don’t dig him.

-those little twirly hats they used

when suddenly,

-everything stopped moving!

The sucking stopped, in fact. The howling in my ears stopped. Yes’n fact, everything stopped.

L L L :pots tser

I fail to see why this is so important.

“I’m sorry you feel like a failure- Tell me you saw that joke coming.

Look around you, she said! The whole ceiling was moving, and the sand below, everything liquid with motion, and putting to side the fact that I was excitedly aware this new moon was a giant organism with heart, brain; a stomach, a liver, e.t.c.-(You’d think NASA’s Seismic detectors could detect that)-I thought, hey, We’re in for something.

L L L :pots tser

“Chimpette,” I said.

“Ooooroo, guruRuhu?”

“I think it best we move.”

And then something terrible happened. The Nostril began to sniff, and suck, and sniff, and sniff.

And blow.

And here I wrote,

Dear LifeInTheFastLane,

I haven’t died once yet.

Yours Inevitably,

– Q-burt

When I did die, I mean when I let go of the umbrella, which was a kind of death, we fell. That’s what happened when I let go of the umbrella.

We fell-   the insucking of breath blew us sideways- My face felt like it was being picked at by a million different people.

And all of me, all of it- Like shredded coconut.

Was torn apart.

rest stop: J J J

Dear LifeInTheFastLane,

Knock a bullet off my list- I’m going home.

Chapter 8

DO YOU REMEMBER being born?


This was kind of like that, only too backwards to mentionJ .

J Too late, though- It’s already out in the air, as are WE.

Here a long explanation might ensue of how I was born backwards into the womb and pieced back together, but you’re smart, you can imagine that. We two minds working together makes less work for me.

Torn in twain so many times there are just too many pieces of us to count! Grandiose, I expound!

We are a Mighty Stegosaurus, you and I- That’s how strong a team we are!

– As for the others, I can only look back on that instant and wonder what happened, and if what was happened happen’d right,

Because I died in that moment.

O!-to be sure.

When you’re torn to the lint of pocket lint, you’re not enough of you left together to quantify as anything big enough to be worth living.

Says Professor Frankly, “Let everyone hurry around the microscope. Hurry!”

Points. figure C-a finger:

It’s an Amoebasaurus!”

LJ L k & listen: All I can recount to you about this strange and endearing Lifevent was that I was dead, and that I hadn’t exactly let go of the umbrella completely..

One finger seemed

[to be] all that was necessary to bring me back to life- it’s amazing what they do with DNA these days!

I remember now. I’ve done this before.

Out of the black sleep of death, I Heard  A  Deep  Voice.

Abel, hi,” the voice said. “Abel-man, Abel-rooni, Abel the San Francisco Treat! You’re still touching the button, guy. Do you really want us to bring you back?”

Dude . . . Blow me, I couldn’t answer, I was nothing left-

“You’ve been drifting for a year now, mayhaps, by my sister’s anal calculations, what a darling prude, but part of your finger’s still on the button, man. Do you want us to bring you back?”

Dude . . . I couldn’t answer yet- I had not mouth to say it.

“We’ll take that as a Go, Go, Go. Do it to it, Lars!”

L L L :pots tser

You wanna know how I feel about it? Gee,

I felt as if a small nation of sewing ladies were in semi circle-chewing the fat. Stitching me back together again.


Even my clothes

. .

When a zillion trillion pieces of me is up for grabs it doesn’t exactly make you feel like an altogether guy.

rest stop:J J J

I tell you, I am standing in a house of mirrors with 2 tables, 2 fridges; nd ovens, and 2 beds, and chimneys,  cars,  and toilets of which the number is only too obvious. No joke, as no one’s laughing.

rest stop: J J J

TO THE LEFT OF ME, FOR example, I saw the over-exposed colour of our communist Orangutan getting punched back together by exactly what I had just experienced; covered by muscles- bodies, skin; and to my right I could see the same thing being done to the expendable form of Kenny. Gross.

rest stop: J J J

Kenny Boy had a beard to cover all unexposed, and Mr. Chimp Chimp was a gorilla (“Chimp!”, she tells me) and gorillas are expected to be naked. Plus, they have fur.

Me-I was just in the nude; and I never did quite look good that way.

How did this happen?” is my little sentence here. I’d speak my mind, but I’ve only half a brain leftL .

L and that I find quite upsetting.

L L L :pots tser

Chimpers leapt over to me and kindly plastered me ’gainst a mirror, of whose reflection she cracked once I hit it, You did this, she said essentially. You great, big, glorious bastard, we’re saved because of you! Praise Jesus.

what killed us?” was my soft reply, in a fit of hysteric nervousness so dire I fell headlong on my arse.

“?possible How is that” she spoke backwards,

for her even noggin cosmic not was put on so straight. . ??

rest stop: J J J

Scratching my thumbs to see if they’d bleed, I asked Kenny what he thought and his beard shook in answer and let part of his headJ fall lazily to one side as he admired his new self, now with new parts.

J the skull: a brain’s home.

L L L :pots tser

Chimpy checked our perimeters, while Kenny wheeled about, panicking a bit, a few arms where his tires should be.

The way stars and stones move through space, we go. . .

rest stop: J J J

TAKE A LONG charge at the glass mirror and it broke. We crossed into a living room with two faces. The man’s face looked exactly like this: J .

The woman’s face looked exactly like this: L .

rest stop: J J J

One was clothed in lime green, the other in a medium of Carolina blue. Nice.

rest stop: J J J

“Whoa-O-O! Oh,” I said. O, my mouth said, finding faith enough in danger to ask, “Are you guysss . . . ayleeN’s or somefin?”

The J , very truly, giggled and the L frowned. They were having a tea-party it seemed-one with a pipe in its only mouth and no fingers to grasp it, but There  it  Twas, [T-cup] held aloft!

“We are you, Abel,” they said together!

What a life-changing revelation.

“Very truly?” I said. “I don’t recall being a transvestite, though I mean, half man, half woman, there’s certainly nothing wrong with being born that way. I suppose I do have a feminine side.”

“A quality,” said L .

Do you wish us to wake You up now, Me?” said L , in such a shock of sentence structure that it shivered me soul to answer. What did it all mean?

“Sure, I’d like to wake up, I’d love to wake up! Only in all the right places.”

L L L :pots tser

Hint, Mega Hint: We can only bring you to the place to which your hand is holding us,” said J .

“Sounds sticky,” I said, “but  I’ll  do  it!” I looked down at my left hand. It wasn’t there-the umbrella I mean. “Hey, what’s the beef? Why in the King’s name did you assemble everything on me but me hands?”

They looked at each other, the usual faces, as always, and L said, “Take’st my hand.”


I took her hand, and she led me through the mirror I had just whacked, ere we danced on through in a ripple of dented water, and upon our stepping in the outside, I looked behind me as Mr. Chimp aped close behind and Kenny Boy was carried out by the strengthy nowhere arms of the J . Um.

And looking up I saw my hand still holding on-by one finger presumably– to the hilt of my umbrella, only my hand seemed to me like the size of the Thumbtanic and the umbrella was massively massive too, everything quite huge!-yes. The booger was the size of a planet.

“Why so small?” I said, us. Why  are  we?

L : “Always a sensible question.”

“Gimme a break, geez! We had to assemble you ourselves, and well à ” said J , me just dying for him to quit that lingering Well, and get on with his oratory.  .L

L Well?

L L L :pots tser

L explained it to me. L turned me aside, and said, “And to assault that feat of Creation we had to shrink you to our fun size and assemble your scattered matter together. Understand?”

They grew us back to the right size.

Then, we saw a giant booger

rest stop: J J J Where’s the period?

You’ll be wanting to know that ChimpChimp went first to seize the object. Slowly now, there’s a girl-see how she plants first one foot and then the other, uprooting as she picks her flowering footfalls? Forget the dramatic climbing scene..

She had already begun to brush off the green slime what covered the top of the booger, so I could just now see my face in the steel beneath the goo.

“Ooooroo, guRu!-boys,” she’s so excited, you see! “Starship of the Left Nostril-   Boys.” She introduced us.  “Boys. Starship of Dreams.” She finished introducing us.

I took one last look at the space booger that had wrapped itself so strikingly around our noble Ship, until, backing off, in awe  !or?  in fright, I saw a LADY lay sleeping atop the vessel. It was then I realized Mister Chimp Chimp wasn’t exaggerating.

rest stop: J J J

“So, friend,” they asked me, L and J . “How does it feel to be under the microscope?”  Lord knows, you’ve long been in the spotlight.

Ooh, shivers, I say.

Chapter 9 -Rockin!

“The Lady in the Moon,” I named her.

rest stop: J J J

She slept like a log? says the log-

No, logs don’t sleep, that’s a stereotype, said the log.

She slept like a bear, butt clogged of berried.

“That is correct,” said the Russian, placing a furred paw over my food hole. “Only do not speak at her, lest she awake. See– There she sleeps in near eternal slumber, monitoring all C-average life on earth. Awakening her could risk her getting ttlly P.O.’d and bringing the moon either too far or too close to the earth. By the way, what’d you get on your report card?”

“-a B?”

“Good. Then you’re safe.”

“And what would that do?-awaking her?” I dangeredJ .

L Pweh. Dangered.

L L L :pots tser

IF TOO CLOSE, the moon’s gravitational pull would cause the water of the earth to rise so high there would be no dry land left.”


“On earth.”

“That’s [too] bad, but almost educational.”

“If too far, there would be very few waves on earth to churn the waters and stagnation might give us all a tummy ache. I think that’s what would happen.”

“Also bad, and yet I feel all the smarter for it!”

“No matter,” she said, doting, “Either way would result in the death of all earthen borne, though I’m probably poorly mistaken. I never went to school.”

I looked up to fair lady in the moon what slept atop a giant schnoz ball and said, “We better not wake her up then, huh?”

You got it.”

rest stop: J J J


Keep the camera rolling. This is an important part in the study.  Do not miss it.

Danger. Subject is aware. Danger. Danger.  This could completely endanger the subject’s life. Fix it. Fix it quick!

Mars is watching, Mars will hear about this!-Mars will be very disappointed. Inform

Mr. Ylgu we have a malfunction and send the subject a pick-up right away. Get subject off that dying continent before subject endangers all our lives~! And do something about that earth plant. End of transmission?’

rest stop: J J J

But back to the climb.

The only good part about this ship being covered in moon boogers, anyways, was that,

Since  It  Was  So  Sticky, it was near impossible to fall off; and even if you did get tired of the climbing spirit, which you does every so often, you could just dangle there by a yellow glob of it and you could probably sleep there it stuck to you so well- like glue.

Hey, I can see my career from here!

rest stop: J J J


When we finally did reach the top, the lady looked a lot bigger in person than the Snow White she appeared from wherever we were before à well, she was just as big as Kenny Boy, I’d gather; nine feet tall herself. Quite a girlJ .

J I have nothing to say about this.

What is she? I asked none too politely around the odd thing, as Chimpy walked up swifter, n’ quieter; nearer the ladyL L L .

L L L She must have very sensitive ears, to sleep on a pea. “Shuh! Quiet!”

rest stop: J J J

Close enough to feel her, the breath; see her, the body; take her in--I betook the Lady in the Moon and saw that she was more or less beautiful. Near humanlike save her hair which was fish-scale silver and her skin, which was the color of blue grass music, and so vaguely transparent it was like a dimly recalled memory; and her face musta been made of the gold [that] nerds frame their stamp collections around. “Why she asleep so long?” I WONDERED ALOUD, too loud ere I saw her nose flick about a bit, as if in sniffing.

Here, Mr. Chimp Chimp punched my shoulder and her body language told me fluently…. to help her lift something.

I followed.

L L L :pots tser

Is it water on the knee?! Operation. A whole bucket-See? Operation!

If you remember the ole kiddie game Operation, or if you’re a testicular surgeon by practice, a male one, you’ll know how slow . . . and painful this was; trying to get the woman off the booger. Going deep in there with our pencil-sharpened instruments, every wrong move with my sticky fingers a

Buzz-You’re wrong!, Buzz!-This  Just  Might  Kill  You!, but it wasn’t that bad, really.

rest stop: J J J

If you remember this all-too-stressful game, or if you’re the millionaire genius who makes a legal practice of it, look up: for this is what it was Like.

Once doctored off, beneath the Lady you could see what looked like the opening of a submarine. “Nothing strange about that,” I said.

“Nothing strange at all,” said the Chimpers. Seemed she too-like me ~was used to these things.

L L L :pots tser

Mr. Chimp Chimp was on this in a blink.

rest stop: J J J

So when Mizzer Chimp broke the lock, I lunged in after her and we sank into a long cold dark that seemed to last for entire halfyears.

At the end, anyways, we came into a woody clearing, filled   with   empty   space, Just Enough To breathe in; though I found the air I breathed in was my own.

“Stay here. Shut up.

Wait,” the fuzz commanded, and lumbered off to perform apetastik feats.

Everything smashingly well-lit. Good. I looked to see that I was in a computer room the size of anything it wanted, or bigGer, and the whole room so filled with uselessly bleeping lights and pointless wires and mama boards and everythin-Well, you’ve seen Star Trek . What are they all for? . .

rest stop: J J J

NO TIME FOR THAT!Out of the comcoggery rolled the chair of the Boy Kenny, to meet us swiftly like a dog that’d been out hunting for three days in the sobbing rain.

“Nice seein ya again, Kenny, ol’ Sport,” I said,  but this time-

I  know  it  this  time– he deliberately rolled over my smallest toe, most Not Accidentally On purpose, but I caught him by the hair. But he had just hit the rocket button, just to spite me! Oh, -he shot away** He found some rocket fuel at the bottom.

I found a computer.

“That Chinese?” I said coz I could use the rice. “I swear to Hallelujah, every instruction manual’s written in Chinese, or Cantonese, or English or sumfin. By my Flaming Buddha, I hate that!”

She confirmed that it was not Chinese, neither can you eat it; but  that  it  was  Martian  lettering she was working with, as she had been familiarized with it So Many Boring Years Ago as an ambassador to New Mexico.

rest stop:

J J J (I’m just so happy right now, I can’t stand it!)

Twas then I looked out

the computer screen and saw the Lady Moon through a camera lens, her hair made of nectar and asteroid dust. She was tossing and turning in her sleep now; when before she looked to be in just a deep, deep slumber, so deep you could build a mountain and stand in its shadeJ .

J from the dust the Sandman used to make her dream. Shovels.

Was she having a nightmare now>like me?

Chapter ten

( ’ And I fell asleep. ]

. . .

Lady Moon was strangled in covers, screeling of the stuff the stuff under-your-bed is afraid of*-

“I think we might’ve awoken her, tee hee,” said the Mr. Chimp Chimp, almost too excitedly.

-Play “Dark Side of the Moon (Brain Damage)” — Pink Floyd, at the very end of this Moony episode for when the Lady Moon starts to haunt us.

The lunatic is on the grass.
The lunatic is on the grass.
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
Got to keep the loonies on the path.
Hoo! Hoo!” She hopped and hopped and hopped-Do you know how to fly this dried gelatinous à ?” the Chimpers went on a bit, stopping, hesitant to continue.

“Lady, I’ve hotwired a diesel engine before,” I said. “But this must run on hyper-powered sneeze.”

L L L :pots tser

BUT IT’S GOT J and L on its cover, and they said they were freakin you!”

rest stop: J J J

You mean this once belonged to them?”

The lunatic is in the hall.

The lunatics are in my hall.
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more.

The Booger Queen- (made of that feeling you get when your leg falls asleep) -flung her clean sheets off and pos-i-TIVely screeled in a voice that pierced the sound barrier of the crust of space; She had awoken.

L L L :pots tser

NOW,THEINSIDESOFTHE moon had begun to rupture and turn, and on the monitor, still, I saw the Lady begin to double, triple, quadriculous’d in size, speaking in a language I had never heard-(though understand, I understood it the way I recognize a birth mark in the mirror.)

L L L :pots tser

When translated, her squeals said this, roughly indulged  in  jive for the hard-of-spirit: “Dude, I’m awake? 

“I’m not supposed to be awake, I do things when I’m awake! This is not a good thing,” and clearly she was talking to us, for why would she be yelling to herself when self-communication is so much more efficiently done in the medium of thought?

>then This Sorta happened:

She had begun to grow fat-

L L L :pots tser (

I’m sad, coz there’s a distinct chance I might die from this).

6ix arm things, much  unlike  the  human  hand, shot forth from out a gown meant only for nighting in. Two legs shot from out her side. Then she got ugly.

For now she was bigger than our ship.

rest stop: J J J

Now, Abel remembered how to use this thing. “I remember how to use this thing,” he said. J and L told me how.

‘The umbrella is the key,’ I told myself, and here I remembered jumping into the computer screen, melting so syrupy into the ship like pizza on a bagel: a perfect fit! I had become the ship. I had transformed.

I had become the ship now, and I had to be free.

L L L :pots tser

PRESENTLY, I FELT the weight of the Lady Moon on my back. Crushing. She was bigger than me, however planetary I seemed. So I made the engines whoosh and shot off through the nasal canal. Not knowing half what I was doing, but knowing that it was right. Past mushroom jungles and, a bit too far ahead in our story, through Jupiter’s fields of red stormJ .


silly me just getting used to the speeds.

Looking back, I saw the Lady in the Moon was the moon-

How very unfortunate for me

rest stop:


SHE BEGAN THE OBLIGA++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++TORY chase scene, of course. A bit shyly at first as she was much out of practice since her last thousand-year intruder, and could only speed around the earth’s orbit initially, since the moon was a satellite. So you can laugh at that.

Go on–  It won’t hurt her feelings–  She’s a big girl.

Oh, would you look at that!

Now, in a more intimidating mood- the Lady Moon was spitting out wheels of cheese at me the shape of New Jersey. A couple grazed the left of me, shredding off fields of boogers that hung to me, but no deal. Oh, hey! I remembered something.

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon

/And if there is no room upon the hill /
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.

rest stop: J J J

THERE’S A BRIGHT YOUNG Pupil of spaceflight, Abel!” said a very apeish voice [congratulating me] from deep inside my heartL , to which I said, WHERE’S a bright young p– ?Oh, but she’s right behind you.

L one of the coronary valves.

Look back, see the toad? ->- I saw the moon grow six arms, a face;

0eyes0; a more prominent English lawyer’s nose; two legs, and a spreadopen mouth-

-and start swan-diving through space after me too. Like dolphins can swim.

rest stop: J J J

But who gives.

So I shot off into, oh, the grandest nebulas of empty space- swimming past meteor storms, and asteroids too, and planets, sure. As behind the Lady Moon, so clumsy she was in her granite cage. Was trying to eat me!. . .

The lunatic is in my head

/The lunatic is in my head /
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me ’til I’m sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There’s someone in my head but it’s not me.

Which, if you think about it, if she ate me…

L L L :pots tser

I saw Mars. and all too soon, I saw these question marks riding squeamish pink dragons.

these are The Gray Police, a sorta heady feelingJ J J J told me. My thoughts talk to each other, you know. Keep far from them. They’re bonkers!-it said, adding also that they will make you unsure of pretty much everything. Hm.

J J J J in my skull, a brain’s home. . .

L L L :pots tser

There’s so much out there.

. . . There’s so many things out there. . .

There’s so much out here. . .


So many Chinese dragons are soaring through space now, shedding their moonlit scales, what  a  beautiful  dandruffand the Moon was just so cheesed off too, what’d you expect from a rock made of Limburger? I couldn’t possibly dodge them all. . . . .

Said the alien cop, “Come out with your hands up and we’ll shoot you!”*

* The problem of conjunctions. . .

And if the cloud bursts thunder in your ear

/You shout and no one seems to hear/.
And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.

The voice of the Martian Police was just so foreign and I Couldn’tve Normally understood it; only the voices were translated into our heads in our very own language, which I thought a plusJ J . Like,

J J Hey, subtitles!

L L L :pots tser

On the screen the voice that listened to us, very patiently. Very calm.

She said, “We are the Gray Ones, the Producers, the Camera Crew-the Lighting Department, the Directors; and you are our colorful cast of unforgettable characters, HaHa. See!-you’re white, and the other one’s an orange fuzz, so it works. *Ehem*. The cripple we haven’t figured out yet. We don’t like him.”

This was a single transparent “?Mark robed in gray. She said,

L L L :pots tser


“You’ve been intercepted and are under arrest for entering the Gray World, Third District, Lunar 7Seven, our Moonbase*; and didn’t you see it coming?

* of restricted membership

“To fill you in, as is our custom, we have been monitoring the Sleepers for some time-And since you know too much now to be of any use in earthbound experiments, your sentence shall be a forced life of eternal slumber, yes  it  will, in which we conduct experiments on your human psyche, m’kay? You are to be that rat that runs through our mazes- M’kay.”

– and then “Dark Side of the Moon (Eclipse),” for the very end of the show, when the Martians finally capture em.

All that you touch
and all that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
and all that you love
and all that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
and all that you give
and all that you deal
and all that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
and all you create
and all you destroy
and all that you do
and all that you say.
and all that you eat
And everyone you meet
and all that you slight
And everyone you fight.
and all that is now
and all that is gone
and all that’s to come
and everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

“There is no dark side of the moon, really. Matter o fact it’s all dark.”

It was then that the ?Mark robed in doubt looked into my eyes and giggled, coz I was cute. “Mr. Abel Musifer Manning, our little science experiment from five thousand and thirty four years ago. (Two years ago more, and we would’ve lost track).

“We welcome you home.  Our fave-o-rite Martian.”

Uh-O L .

..Meanwhile, in the Martian nursery, the Wy Children construct pictures of dark overlord

Great Eye out of noodles.




What do you want to be when you grow up? STOP.

Who me? STOP.

“Yes you.” STOP.

Well . . . : STOP.

I have a passion for Uranus.  STOP.

I’ve already built a Uranus observatory  STOP.

We can study it together  STOP.

When do you want me to come over to Urhouse?



~I love how quirky this is~ says mother.

Excellent work, great job J .

It only

gets better from here.

Episode 12

Duck. duck. duck.


a Day in the Life of a Lab Mouse

[What should the EPISODE ART be for this episode?: Maybe it should be Abel being strangled by a wraith that looks like a Question Mark. “What’s the meaning of life?” he asked it. / “Are you prepared for a cheesy answer?” ]

trag·i·com·e·dy [tràjji kómmədee]

(plural trag·i·com·e·dies)


1.  work combining tragedy and comedy:

a play or other literary work that combines aspects of tragedy and comedy 

2.tragicomic plays as genre

3.  event mixing tragedy and comedy: an event or situation that has both tragic and comical aspects

It had been 34 days,  143 minutes,  and 77 seconds, and none of us had aged a day.


And to thinkI tried to convince them they were aliens, being so green, but they seemed harsh in their ways that I was the illegal alien, as I had crossed their borders; and they must sponge me off like some foreign bacteria.

They said to me, “I’m an alligator. I’m a mama-papa coming for you.  I’m a space invader. I’ll be a rock -n- rollin bitch for you,” this from-

-David Bowie’s ‘Moonage Daydream. Play it.

. . . It enhances the entire druggy experience.

L L L :pots tser


Whenever my long white hair grew back, they cut it off.

Whenever Mr. Chimp Chimp’s orange fur grew back, they sheered it off; Whenever Kenny Boy’s beard grew back . . . they burned it off.

It got to the point that I began counting my seconds by how long it took for the longest of my white hairs to grow and be snipped off, my minutes by how long it took for the Chimpers’ fur to grow and be sheered off, etcetera. Hair grew much faster on this planet.

34 days, 143 minutes, and 77 seconds, Unnn. Not dismissing the Boy Blackbeard, scorch and burnJ .

J Incidentally, ‘zombie mane’  purses and orange-furred monkey coats were beginning to get real trendy with all the pretty Martian girlsL .

L Or at least, I THINK they were girls. Occasionally, they’d be dressed like guys, sometimes they’d be dressed like girls, yes? and their voices were so interchangeably generic and genderlessly ANYTHING,  I got  to thinking, ‘maybe they’re all just-a buncha  highly advanced transvestites from Planet Fashion, yes? J ’ –

And maybe I’m a woman.

Really!–  34 days, 143 minutes, and 77 seconds, and none of us had aged at all . . .

Estimated hours in an earthen lifetime:

365 days * 24 hours * 70 years = wow, how much is that?  -that’s a 6 hundred and 13 thousand, 200 hour average*.  Boy!

* Did you know that? I did. Because I’m smart. Um.

. . Let’s sneak ahead

rest stop: J J J

Yes’N, on the tip-top head of a pyramid the size of a small orbiting ass, dyed in the bitter sands of Mars, splitting the skies with its great apex like a hand reaching up to high heavens and, uh.

..was a Great Eye glaring at the three prisoners as Hoo Dragons dove, and clomb, and rolled about the Great Eye in curls.

So! as our custom goes(said something, someone)the WY and Hoo bid thee a warm welcome back, young Abel ManningJ .


Maddened, Hypnofied, pick a feeling I looked to the Great Eye, which is where the sound seemed to come from. I said,

“Bite meà

HmPh! said the Great Eye, and, almost instantly, though a bit delayed as she was wearing a hulkin contact lense and was just getting used to itJ J – something happened that was important here, but we missed it as I wasn’t paying attention. Thanks for paying attention, Abel.

It Was On Top Of A bloody pyramid

.  “We borrowed our designs from the ancient Egyptians. Yes . . ”

rest stop: J J J

Listen! here I wrestled with my chains to see if I could free myself, but I’ve never been much help in a fight; and it seemed they had separated me from my umbrella, Oh poo.

It’s a petty shame. It was still in the ship, methought. So someone asked,

You okay, Abe, ole boy?”

I turned towards Mister Chimp Chimp, mother of four. They had shaved from her, her radical fur, and now she resembled something of a naked mole rat, with beer belly and a liking for papayas and other sweet fruit.

Shake of the head, I stole a gander at the Kenny BoyJ J .

J J Put your ray gun to my head, says Bowie.

But back to making sense–  Um..

Kenny   Boy   was   shaved!~ He was shaved, shaved- Shaved of everything but his will to regain motion! and now he appeared as if a flexed muscle of stumbling socks.

. . You understand that here was the saddest of our kind, and when I motioned a wave, “

Hi”, for scorn of the motion he had lost, he ‘ould hardly nod his head at all.

Well I say, get over it!

L L L :pots tser

Please enter–   Please. said the voice from above, and we did.

We said to me, “It’s a god-awful small affair / To the girl with the mousy hair,” David Bowie, Life on Mars. Now, listen: if you have it, I want you play this,

-David Bowie, “Life on Mars?”. Try it.

Oh, yeah-And stop playing that other one.

This pattern will repeat!


L L :pots tser

Once inside the pyramid, they put us in small baby dragons.

Almost immediately, we began to snore. . .

Scientists surrounded us and began to compare notes.

rest stop: J J J


Mourning the RutJ


Narrated by Kill Joy, Jr. Kenny Boy.

IN the middle of a ball game, “

Bowling Game!”  Oh right. . .


-a purple alien…  a gimpy giant…  an orange orangutan, and a 500 year old zombie-freak were in the middle of a bowling game as they were in  the  process  of  digesting salted peanuts,  nachos,  and canned beers, discussing their miserable lives, and their even  more  miserable, Ugh.   Day jobs…

:pots tser

The purple alien, he  went  by  the name of Doctor Payne.

He’d long been known as a tyrant slave trader on the intergalactic spice mines of Jupiter, on a moon called Ganymede, but now he was just a telemarketer, who frequently had people lodged in his ear, yipping, doglike, and sending frequent prank calls to the telemark’ing company after he sent them threats that he would enslave them for a thousand years-(the usual amount)-in the intergalactic spice mines of Ganymede. Yes, and for calling them a “fool”.

:pots tser

The orange orangutan, believe it or not– quit her long-standing career as cosmonaut and became a cab driver back in wack-o New York.

:pots tser

The crippled giant, he was a tyrant once too, so it’s almost redundant to mention that he kidnapped orphans and turned them into cannibals, and went by the name of Murdoc. So. What’s happening?

But after being crippled by ABel in the center of the earth, if you haven’t read the first two books already, he gave up a life of kidnapping and became a construction worker working for a small “firm” called Big Jim’s Fat Ass Construction Emporeum. How the Hades he ever got anything built as a man bound to his wheel chair- no one really knew. I pity him the most, but I DIDN’T say that I liked him. After all, I don’t like myself.

rest stop:

The 500 year old zombie hobo, hm. .

That’s a curious one.

He never really made much of himself other than being head waiter at a local 5 & 9 diner.


This  IWhat  WLive  For.

-In the background, this song is playing, “Break On Through (to the other side)” courtesy of the Doors we have yet to open yet.

Most important lyric clearly being, ‘Break on through, to the other side,’ and If  You  Know anything about a fantasy’s structure, the point of this lyric should be embarrassingly obvious.

There  will  be a Door of No Return.

rest stop:

They all knew each other. They were all friends. Yes’And on their one day off a week, just one, a Sunday, a Fun Day (excuse me the rhyme, but I’m just so excited to be here!!)-they would gather together competitively, talk dirty over a beer or two or three hundred; and have a little bowling break.

I can hear them nowLet’s listen in:

“Right. And you do know Bill?” quothed Dr. Payne.

From now on, I will speak to you in the way I normally speak- in the cruel, unyielding language of Retardo.

You’ll be missing these

! @ # $ % ^&*()_+-={}[]\|’”;:,<.>/?`

:pots tser

Yeah” he said   He being the 500 year old hobo

Well he’s even worse off on dee rocks den us    Now get dis   buddy” and began telling us about a vegetarian who worked in a slaughterhouse SLASH meat deli, and here he burst out laughing


I don’t even know why he-d want to work in a slaughterhouse if he was a vegan” said Miss Monkey.


Jus  got  no  principles” said the Payne  slamming his cherry topper


You know the day destroys the night

Night divides the day

Guess so” Abe said  “What do you think Kenny Boy”

Thought they

We all turned to him   but ever since he became a cripple   the 11 foot 6hundred pound giant didn’t say much

(How did I know what he was thinking?Oh, yeah. I can read MINDS, I can read mine)

It’s your turn Abel” said Monkey Man the orangutan

:pots tser

“You wouldn’t understand, You couldn’t understand, You shouldn’t understand:

One word makes all the difference.”

rest stop:


Tried to run

Tried to hide

Abel got up  adjusted his very old spine  and walked up real casual like to the bowling ball  with a sip of beer  and another long dreg on his drama stick    Then petting the ball for luck  he kissed it and let the bowling pins have it

And what was it?

It was nothing He missed all the pins again …

That got Dr Payne laughing  “You’re a real loser Abel” he said “Loser in life   Loser at bowlin   GODS

I didn-t share Payne-s sense of humor  I sulked my gimpy spine and mowed slowly back to my

OTHER seat  using nachos to dry my tears )8

:pots tser

About us

coz by now you-re probably wanting to know  


One of us was married

occasionally     Dr Payne  for example

He-s made so many trips to the divorce courts that he struck up a match with the di-vorce judge and she-s been the best

relationship he has ev-er had  Though even that is going downhill

And Abel? He-s always had terrible dating relationships

Monkey Man? Pwah!You know it-s been really hard finding Russian orangutan males who-d want to mate with a dog when the bitch seems even more manly than them most times

What a conundrum

O Kenny Boy-s been single for way too long Kenny Boy is me


Break on through to the other side

Break on through to the other side

Break on through to the other side, yeah

rest stop:

We were all becumming bitter and old and wondering a- bout death and a- bout growing closer to that subject  what it be would like  and how we could possibly comprehend that   Yes?

I  with my multiple

ZZZ-s  had no idea how long a zombie freak like my brother lived  Purple aliens from Jupiter live to be about 5,000 years old that I know and Dr Payne was about 4,156 so he was already going downhill   I cannot disguise the fact that I was deeply concerned . . .

Kenny Boy

is ME but I don’t feel quite myself just yet my brains are scrambled I’m not the man I used to be

And Orangutans


We  all  laughed  at  that.

:pots tser

Monkeys don’t live too long.

rest stop:

“Simian!” said Mr. Chimp Chimp. “

. . . but I guess that applies to both.

Schwutevur,” said Abe-Abe I wondered where we were all heading in life.

rest stop:

And if indeed we were going somewhere   I didn’t feel any motion   I wondered ifs we were going anywhere at all…

Dr Payne and Abel got to fighting over if a girl looked at them or not


We chased our pleasures here

Dug our treasures there

But you can still recall / the time we cried

Break on through to the other side

Break on through to the other side

Can-t stop now I said a pretty girl is waving at me.



C’mon, yeah


rest stop:


Made- the -scene.

Week- to -week.

Day- to -day.

Hour- to -‘our.

:pots tser


The gate is straight

Deep and wide

Yes it is, Jim Morrison. Now sit down.

Monkey Man just sighed and rolled her eyes at us   Then she threw a leg (or extra hand.

Whatever orangutans have) over her other leg/hand  and hid her face behind a newspaper walled herself off from the world   Probably thought we were immature which we were*    She-s no fun   Neither am I

Terrific dancer though 

rest stop:


Break on through to the other side

Break on through to the other side

Break on through * 4

Yeah * 4

Yeah *

times* 5.

And that’s pretty much it

rest stop:

“She* wasn’t lookin at you fool” Dr. Payne asked he  went back “Okay She was lookin at you

Of course she was looking at you” said Abe patting him on the breast  “She couldn-t help but look at you  I mean you-re frickin ginormous for cryin out loud!   SHE HAD NO CHOICE

So- ” he said.


Monkey Man peeked an inquisitive look through a hole in the sports page “

O would you look at that” she said and picked up a pair of freshly-chewed glasses, connected to a note. It said,

Dear Mr- or Mrs- Whomever,


(Let me put these on-  Without which I can’t read.)

Scattered about this particular episode in

Your Life that happens to be happening to you right now, YOU, our chosen Heroes, will discover the following items:

“Waldo’s glasses”, “Waldo’s hat”, “Waldo’s cane”; “Waldo’s key”, “Waldo’s Wizard Whitebeard”, and “Waldo’s dog”; hidden in key descriptions, etcetera, but made

all  the  more  reasonable to find as they will be BLURTed out in a manner that’s almost impossible

NOT to find them across this entire epic you are about to take part in-  call It drama. I call it nuisance. One in each Chapter, as a clue to something, old boy. Matter ‘o fact, You have just found Waldo’s glasses. ‘Hopefully, with these, your I’s will see with clearer vision.”Now:


you find me?

“How very peculiar-  Yes: interesting,” said the Chimpers.

“If you ask me, it’s a prank,” said the Payne.

“I hope to eat you all,” said Kenny Boy.

:pots tser

FooL” said Payne whamming his fist in the ash tray  “What chu doin boy”

Tap dancing” said Abel

Payne laughed  said “Now I know she was lookin at me” and he  couldn-t stop “Alright” with exhalations “Break-s over boyz” / “EHEM” said the monkey** / “And cute feminine girl*              NOW WHO-S TURN is it?

* ‘you know I love you’ baby girl

** to the chorus of I am Woman!

Abel. It’s Abel’s turn


L L L :pots tser

Abel narrates,

Kenny Boy tried his luck with the bowling ball, but without being able to move, he got real frustrated and began beating his head against the bowling lane. It’s always sad to watch that.

“Brother, lemme help ya with that,” I said to him. I didn’t pushL .

L he said much later, “You pushed me! you did,” but we all denied  it.

He seemed always so cheesed off- Wouldn’t let me touch the ballL L .

L L Just kept on ramming into it.

rest stop: J J J

So I set it at his feet. “Here, pooper,” saying,“You can bowl too,” he did. “Just line up your-that’s right-with the bowling ball-that’s it!-and ram into it and- maybe..- it’ll sail on down the lane and score you a stri- kola. Now doesn’t that feel good?  It does.”

I felt like he should be spoon-feeding me  That’s how I feel He tried it, but it ended up flopping him down on the mat like a marlin, all 600 pounds of it, and, boy, can I tell you–  it was pretty hard getting him back [up], or even in the right spirits to care. Narrates I, Kenny,

Monkey Man glanced up from her Popular Science mag and looked off to the far corner of the room  Here I followed her eyes and saw Bowling Lane #7 flash with color like a tentacle of the sun.

echo. of the sun.

Dr Payne laughed just the way you-d expect him to  “Some say the mechanics were swallowed alive N- pulled in by some kinda yellow tentacle from that lane Pwah!   Sucked in CAN YOU BELIEVE IT  

The mechanics never fixed it anyways  that lane

Anyway she hid her face again behind a Popular Science magazine which as it was soon going out of businessdidn-t seem so popular

(It-s hard … to be the geek)

:pots tser

Abel started tap dancing again by- the- way

  He-d never stop once started  I wanted to stop and ask What-s wrong

What in hell yuh doin foo’?” asked our beloved Payne.

Abel put a dime into the jukebox and a song starts juking,- as there is beer,  whiskey,  and females all around, “Alabama Song (Whisky Bar)”

by the Doorswas the most natur-A choice  This is what’s happening. . This is what’s going down.

rest stop:

[ This is the song Abel dances to] I started singing along too Sang  Jim


Well, show me

/ the way /
To the next
/ whisky bar /
Oh, don’t ask why
Oh, don’t ask why

:pots tser

Abel kept tap-dancing

Said Payne “Clown!”

“Don’t you mean fool?” this from Abel

Doctor Payne put a large clumsy hand o’er his face and began to squeeze it- Like he was trying to squeeze  the yellow out of a lemon “Why am I even friends with this loser-” was the obvious question LORDS it-s like some freak experiment and we-re all forced into it**”

Aha! Irony

** ‘friendship.”

rest stop:

Hey  you beget this friendship” said Abel

I heard him from the concession stand when I was signing up for beer  Gimme beer damn you

I want to say  but the damn vending lady just thinks I-m cute

rest stop:

Comrades” said Monkey Man and it was enough visual stimulation that she let drop her newspaper and continued looking at  it  at that thing that glowered

yellow  “Comrades” said she but Again-We  danced  on.


For if / we / don’t / find /
The next whisky bar
I tell you we must die/
I tell you we must die/
I tell you;I tell you
I tell you we must die

Take it to the organ, Door-man.

Ba-ba-ba…  Ba-ba-ba…  Ba-ba-ba


The light continued to flare out And as far as us and everybody else in Gutter Trash Bowling Alley cared  Bowling Lane #7 didn-t exist and neither did myths of other dimensions or portals into new worlds

Said Abel still tap dancing “Nothing ever exciting happens around here   Now that I said that don-t you know something terribly romantic is about to ensue?  Is that the Irony of life that we have to say it first? or is it because after we say it we’re self predictors and go off fulfilling our own prophecies boy i-m smart*”

* Yay for me

Dr Payne rolled his eyes

* Stick sharpens stick Bad influences you know ** huh?

Abel kept dancing.

Fool yer skinny white succulentass kan-t dance” Dr. Payne said this “Why yuh keep embarrassin yourself

Sang Abel,


Well, show me the way
To the next little girl
Oh, don’t ask why
Oh, don’t ask why

Fun” was his answer and he spiraled around on his tippest toes.

rest stop:

Said Dr Dick   “Well yer embarrassin me and our entire sex” Frowns   “Now get down offa them high heels before you hurt yourself

Here he reminded Abel it was his turn darnit it-s your turn   We got work tomorrow  Finish the game Princess 

Abel said to Wait  wait for it  and began skipping ballet style till ‘e curled down into a ball He said “I am a seed / planted in a meadow of tall grass”

rest stop:

Abel motioned for him to sit

still be quiet  “Don’t break my concentration” he said “you’ll throw off my photosynthesis.”


For / if / we / don’t / find /
The next little girl
I tell you we must die I tell you we must die I tell you, I tell you
I tell you we must die

The Chimpers began to laugh

Abel spread his wings and made for a mile-wide grin shining down rays of Vitamin D in my face  “

I am the sun” he said then performing a rather grandiose somersault and skidding across the floor nearly tripping to death on the floor it was so slippery  “You have  to be gay*” prescribed Dr Payne tenderizing his forehead with overbig hands   “Stop it” J

* “No, I don’t wanna!”


The Chimpers began to laugh

rest stop:

Abel did Many Other silly things after that none  of  them  worth  mentioning certainly not the plucking of a clutch of bowling balls beneath his armpits then saying “I-m a fruit just beginning to bud

Payne said Stop.  Stop.  Stop or I key ya*

* In slang, ‘I key ya’ means “I’ll kill you” 

Payne called him gay.

If gay means happy I salute my privates to you lengthwise but I must express myself”

rest stop:

Narrates Abel,

(there was a newspaper right next to me. So I used that for a chrysalis). He was a chrysalis alright.


Oh, moon of Alabama
We now must say goodbye
We’ve lost our good old mama
And must have whisky, oh, you know why

:pots tser


Said the Good Doctor “If Peter Pan ain-t fixin to bowl then I’ll bowl for him

Comrades we must not get out of turn like this!

Shut up monkey!!

Abel did a flying squirrel kick onto Dr Payne-s back and Payne began bashing me with his fists

:pots tser

Monkey Man ooked off her seat and wedged herself between our three feuding continents grinding against each other   It took the animal strength of three monkey limbs but the little Missus did it she stopped us

Abel said fine and turned his back on our newest best pal and buddy: . .

rest stop:


What iz  that light?     -I’ll leave the rest up to you, Abel. . I gotta check this out:

rest stop:


Tentacles of the sun in Bowling Lane #7, way in the corner.. No one ever bowled there anymore. No one ever dared to, at leastJ .

J Urban legends- Fact or superstition, they sure make things interesting.

I stopped fighting and so did Payne the MD, and Mister Chimp Chimp, and in this way, though– not- -all on -cue, we just stared out iNto the corner. There would be others that looked too, but this place was a dump, and there was very little Sunday traffic.

L L L :pots tser

It was then that Kenny Boy, in  his  wheel toilet, only becoz it was a necessity that we engineer it so, began to roll towards the light. It ran on gas.

What  is  it?” said Doctor Payne “have we figured at least that out?”

“Dunno,” said I, said me.

The light kept on growing, however, and, as much as we tried to ignore it, we couldn’t. So we wondered about it: of the still-growing tentacle positively splashing out from Bowling Lane #7-

With all the kinetic heat of a sunovva gunJ .

J   . . someone oughta fix that light.

:pots tser

L L L :pots tser

I said, “Wait->hey Kenny!” I said. “Don’t go barreling towards that all willy nilly, you don’t know where that hole’s been!”

Kenny Boy, like a peace train, kept rolling, Godwards, to light. And here, we began to get curious and didn’t say much after that. Just got to walk with him; past those few king pins who didn’t seem to notice what we did, or  if  they did notice, they didn’t want to see the light, or pretend to care.

We walked by them whilst they busied themselves in the ‘if we ignore it, mebbe it’ll go away’ game,  us   4   curiosity-urged travelers crawling to the lane, the one we warned you about, and up towards the hole; but when we get closer, staring into it, as the dark was slit into quadrants, quarantined by the luminous yellow tentacles that shook Bowling Lane #7 to its very core.. we saw a tunnel going past the bowling pins in the yonder lane nobody dared to examine. 

“I wonder what’s in there,” one of us said.

I wonder which one us said thatI forget.

:pots tser

Mr Chimp analyzed the hole and ooked towards us. “Ook! It would be foolish to sprint in all willy nilly, you jerks,” she said ‘willy’ once more to assert the fact that she believed in what she believed in. “Seriously, chaps: it’s probably a busted light. We’d just fall down and be grinded into [the] gears.”  Dr. Payne stood, stupefied,


though a very wise man he was, as he did go to Medical school for nine summersJ . Though Captivated, he was, by the ‘lights in the water,’ and the tentacles of the sun that appeared ‘round our faces, stroking us gently- organically- seductively. A-lmost sensual.

J not to say that got him anywhere after- Let us not judge intelligence by the way it talks.

rest stop: J J J

Kenny Boy didn’t bother to ask.

At this point, he jes rolled straight into the bowling lane, no hesitation, as if he knew What Was Out there and had made the journey many times before almost as surely as you’ve opened the lock to your backyard, and even now: the bowling lane seemed to s t r e t c h and grow to fit all eleven feet of Kenny Boy inside; and then suck him in, pull him in *Pht!* . . until he vanished in a puff of curiosity.

I stretched out my hand to stop him, but what-s a boy to do?

L L L :pots tser

Now as a progressive storyteller, I’m not supposed to do this, but here goes

Little did we know . little did they know . little did she, he, and feknow. . That we were all going to experience. . An insurmountable–     


I was a little ahead, I’ll take it from here.

rest stop:

We crawled through the tunnel   a great insucking of winds drawing on us, our bodies washed of colour as the great yellow tentacle went round our faces,  then grew hot and bright and gold   tickling round our throats so we four became travelers

. . .

and at the end of Bowling Lane #7 we could just see the sun shining down on us.

Soon. The cheering of crowds broke out in the roar of what you-d hear at a Super Bowl after Victor had won and Freddie Mercury had just sung the age-old anthem of ‘We’re Better Than You’

:pots tser

It’s Super Bowl Planet!   Follow the hot light of its glow  !!

The crowds cheered out louder  I heard my name and all the names of the people I ever knew   

I saw a Roman-style coliseum on a foreign star and a crowd of terrible populations all of them Alien  all of them the most bizarre shapes you could ever imagine   most of them looked just as confused as we were

It seemed that these city-populations had come from stars all over the Milky Way   including ours They were quite diverse

For we are Milky Way citizens   Citizens crawling out on hands and thorax lifted high by the pinchers of giant insects saddled on the backs of greater beetles   a brown alien with yellow tentacles for a mouth shoving some strange looking weaponry into our hands  and it was only then that I discovered this Lamia-voiced creature was the one that had lured us on   I wondered just how many bowling alleys there were out there . . .

rest stop:

Listen  Dr. Payne was given a giant purple ducky rubber

Monkey Man was given a set of wooden jaws to put in her mouth

Abel was given a banana yellow umbrella with holes tattered all through it

They gave me long plastic gloves they attached to my chair

rest stop:

On the other side of the coliseum came a buncha other ‘normal’ looking people who looked around hands on knees   were lifted up just like that on giant beetles  were handed weapons, swords, laser spears, etcetera

And so we are slowly gathering into the hub like oXen before the Burger King  and were stood  spine to spine

And here O now O hell!

alien monstrosities poured forth from all around; howling,  screeching,  sliming-(belching up alien insult in an unknown and unknowable ->- ..world.

Said Chimpers,

I want to tell you that I don’t think this will work out.” Got that?




Narrated by Dr. Payne, sucka.




! ! !


I pity the

J ! !



Ducks go quack quack.

Cows go moo.

Piggies go oink oink.

-And Intergalactic, space hounds from planet Schnarferterbola what shoot lasers from out their asses go, “Icky!-Icky! Screechipoo, kazoo.”

but that was just their alien taunt against all Milky Wayers.

Me,  I just go in my pants.

I pity the

J ! !

Hey, all you Kool Catz!-this is DeeJay Payne in the coliseum on this fabulous Thursday morn and you’re listening to ‘the Slaughterhouse’, FM!-    All calls will be ignored, but we appreciate your time.

Yes, that means Dr. Payne is narrating [now]. . That’s me, foo!

! ! !


[excuse me. I don’t normally do this kinda thing]

DeeJay Payne. Will you take the microphone please?


! ! !


[a doctor’s note]-Play “Welcome to the Machine”! to introduce the Bowlerz to their first nightmare. Go!

! Pink Floyd


-Welcome my son, welcome to the machine.
Where have you been?
It’s alright

/we know where you’ve been.

I pity the

J ! !

You might wanna know bout our outer surrounding.

Standing where I am you’d see a hover-craft lookin’ ambulance on an asteroid, built into a coliseum, hovering around the already-dead contestants from the warm-up show.

! ! !


Read this closely.


Abel says it was the same damn ambulance he saw when he was backpacking in Europe, He said he thinks it was coming for him next, but I told him peacefully, ‘Don’t be a ignoramus, you little pink-skin’. Not everything revolves around you, you know, I said.

There are other points of view.

!! He doesn’t get that. He doesn’t understand that.

I tell him, “This is my nightmare, Abel. We’re no longer in your Rainbow -N Lollipop fantasy.’


“Abel,” said Doctor Payne, leaning in closer to the little

$#@%. “I think I know where we are.” I looked to Dr. Payne, at his spiraling purple horn and the crocodile-like scales that flaked his skin. “Doctor,” I say      “You’re probably the only one of us that could.”

I pity the

J ! !

Contestants and newcomers!” said the conjoined voices of what had to be game show announcers. “Are you ready to fight for your freedom?! . . Yes?

Well, then . . .

Listening to the voices, I saw a pair of floating heads-  talking heads the size of dump-trucks with slicked back, greasy hair.

One looked like the disembodies floating head of Alex Trebeck -N the other looked like the disembodied flying head of Bob Barker.

Manning?!” they said together, like they were one freakin person, just  as  I  am. “The  Abel Manning!” 

“I’ve been getting that a lot these past days,” said Abe, way freaked. Abel said, “Yeah, that’s me.”

I pity the

J ! !

The two heads laughed. “We are so pleased to meet you again Baron Abel Manning!” they said. Said they, “You! The greatest fighter Planet Coliseum has seen in 500 years! what with the exception of the Bear Hugger who — !”

He hugs bears,” said the other head with a shrug; and we shrugg’d likewise.


You bought a guitar / to punish your ma,
And you didn’t like school, and you know

you’re nobody’s fool

..So welcome to the machine.

I pity the

J ! !

$#@%” I said  “Abel, you famous?”

“Straight up,” said Chimp Chimp-   “but you needn’t be so rude.”

! ! !


Keep your antennas onSHEESH!” said Abel.  “Here’s a last wish for ya,” said our protagonist hero. “Before I drink from the silver cup of Valhala for all my sporty accomplishments, there’s been one thing on my mind I’ve always wanted.” He was getting into it.

Name it,” they said, literally ear to ear, coz  if  they smiled anymore we feared their heads might fall off.

So now, the crowd cheered his name, and we didn’t know why the

#&%% for. Maybe he was famous. If not on earth*, then somewhere else.

*I’m trying to ignore that earth incident, and hoping you’ll forget that he’s famous there too.

I pity the

J ! !

As for the free  wish, Abel said “Lessee,” and us four friends looked back to him, mouthing the words “freedom, freedom” and whatever you said, “____”, but there was something he wanted even more than my freedom. He wanted à “My virginity,” he said.

“What about it?” said the faces in unison, their heads very nearly falling off this time from their plastic, talk-show smirk.

Have you seen it?”

They shook their great heads and nearly knocked Kill Joy off his’n chair.

rest stop: J J J

(Dr. Payne looked like he wanted to strangle me for asking that and Miss Chimp Chimp, though most of the time, calm, seemed to want to do the same. Kenny Boy took action, though. He ran over my big toe, but the Floating Heads had some guards push back the giant Mute and restrain him. For good reason).

“What is this . . . ‘virginity’ you speak of?” said the Heads.

Abel took out his wallet and showed them a picture, which they instantly scanned with their robot eyes and pretty soon my virginity was on the big screen of the coliseum, flashing everybody. It was an ongoing joke. But no one got it. I thought it was funny.


Welcome my son, welcome to the machine.
What did you dream?
It’s alright we told you what to dream.

I pity the

J ! !

“Tell you what, Mr. Manning,” said the First Head.

“Since you’ve helped us out so much in the past, we will arrange advertisements of this . . . Virginity, star-wide, all across the known multiverse. As a bonus to the show, and if you win today, we’ll post pictures of it all across the Internet, even on your puny earth. In Facebook too, and on the sides of milk cartons, and even TBN, if we can swing it.” This was all very confusing, but Abel was, most likely, legally insane.

“Thanx!” said Abe, smiling.

What a doof! “Now I can die in peace.”

Their heads nodded. “And so you shall!– Die in pieces … ” Ready?

Okay.. 3-   2-   1Let’s jam!

I pity the

J ! !

The Floating Heads put their heads together like billiards, and with one crack of the pool stick, took their positions at the microphone, where they began to work the crowd up into a kind of frenzy. I swear those musta been alien hicks up there! Swiggin’ beer and eatin’ salt peanuts. Paintin’ their gooey chests the name of their favorite gladiators. Some even streaked across the coliseum floor, but the hell hounds got them before they could even get  a quarter way ‘cross.

Anyway. After Tom Jones sang the Universal Anthem, The Floating Heads recited the following poem:

“Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeetttt’s get ready to rumbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

It was official. . an all-out  FreeforAll  brawl fest.

Send out the Kaliwog!” said the Heads.

Queen’s “We Will Rock You” should be played here, obviously. Stomp your feet! .

Buddy you’re a boy // make a big noise
Playin’ in the street gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on yo’ face
You big disgrace
Kickin’ your can all over the place

We will / we will / rock you
We will /we will / rock you

Send out the Kaliwog!” said the Heads.

! ! !


There came the heavy clinking of a chain coming forth from the dark. The gate opened, and a creature as tall as the Empire States Building fudged out, and all you could see was a form, bound and gagged, and clothed in so much chain that you couldn’t see anything but the claws.

The drooling fangs. The reptilian, burning eyes crawling out’n its face, and dripping orange slime as it threw its eyeballs towards us- Literally: Threw them, as they were disenttached to its face, and were more an inconvenience to be carried.

“Beautiful!- Beautiful weather we’re having, aren’t we Bob?” said one of the Heads.

“Yessiree, Alex!” said Bob. “Beautiful weather for a Wog to peel the bones straight from your twitching corpsette! You know it only eats bones? Give us the down-low, Lex.”

Yessiree Bob!” said Alex.

Indigenous to the planet Nep-tube-ala,  a Kalywog loves fresh water and anything richin calcium, especially  human  bones! which is why the contestants today have been hand-picked out of the handsome orchards of all earth’s bowling alleys and are joining us this  fine  Thursday’s  Eve for the fight! Because- unlike most creatures of the galaxy -the intelligent mammals of this planet are unique, in that: they  have  bones!”

“I gotta tell ya, it’s a great game!”

“Great game, Lex!”

Two heads is more than one, is  what  they say here. What a %#!$ed-up statement. Geez.

Buddy you’re a young man

/ hard man
Shoutin’ in the street gonna take on the world some day

The crowd was whipped crazy at this point.

rest stop: J J J

I went closer to the middle, not knowing what the $#@%*I was going to do with the stupidest weapon in the universe: a frickin banana yellow umbrella, and so-o last year.

* Hey, that’s my thing!

Dr. Payne seemed to know what to do with his giant, [purple] rubber-ducky, though. He mounted it, like it was a freakin Clydesdale, *spanked*  its  tight behind, and shot off towards must’ve been thirty hell hounds (I, too.. tend to exaggerate) and began bouncing on toppa their heads like they were three-parts trampoline and one-part high board- Dive in.

I pity the

J ! !

Payne here.

Miss Chimp got special teeth (She bit crotches with it, and the crowds loved her for it, she seemed to like it, too much), and Kenny Boy got a rocket pack attached to his gimp chair. What with these gloves on it that whammed off electric bursts of light !

The only thing Abel could think to do with his umbrella was throw it away, but when he did, the crowd booed, and the umbrella just spun back to his hand like a boomerang.

Maybe it’s a boomerang,” he said. $#@%. You think?

Abel shrugged his shoulders and began to use it like a boomerang. Whenever the

%#!$ hounds ‘ould scamper up to him, he’d chuck the umbrella at ‘em and it’d cut off a few of their heads, which was an added plus! — for him.

You got mud on your face
You big disgrace
Somebody better put you back

/ in your place

I pity the

J ! !

We bounced around for a bit, and then the Talking Heads said, bi–sexed, “Round 2!” and a buncha mechanized robo knights riding nothing but our stares came out with lazer javelins and began shooting at us.

This got the Kaliwog angry, who then began to eat people.

Revel 1. Revel FIGHT!

-a popcorn blizzard of bones was being peeled straight from the bodies of the live contestants and chewed-on by the Creature, like  so  many sticks of raw gum, as the rest of the human was thrown to the gymnasium floor, left to rot or be picked up by the boldest janitors in the universe, who were paid extra by eccentric rich people to get them a piece of the dead contestant to auction off on the internet before the lesser peoples could clean off the floor and auction off bodies of their own. This was distressing…  and unnecessary.

Says Dr. Payne, My nose is bleeding.” // “Then stick your thumb up it!” said Miss Monkey.

The Kaliwog…  dragging us straight to its mouth, and, like a Fordian assembly line, attempting to disassemble our bodies with a hundred tiny hands that came out’n its mouth in the form of tongues. I said, “How the *bleeP* do we beat that thing?”

! ! !


“Round 3!” said the Hoversome Heads, and creatures that appeared like a cross between mushrooms and flying jellyfish hover’d in through the gates, and spread apart every few feet of the coliseum like landmines- And when anybody would touch them, they’d BOOM apart.

Play “Lazing on a Sunday Afternoon” by Queen for when Abel N Company find out that fighting in alien coliseum– is easy! … [this is the part where the fighting turns around and they start winning, or at least . . this happens pretty soon]:

I go out to work on monday morning

Tuesday I go off to honeymoon
Ill be back again before it’s time for
/ sunnydown…
Ill be lazing on a sunday afternoon

Said Abel, “Maybe we could make sport of those mushroom muwuzzits to stun the Kaliwog . and then try -N unravel that chain around it.” 

“Could be weak and defenseless under that chain. Ya think?”

Bicycling on every wednesday evening
Thursday I go waltzing to the zoo

But the monster had already grabbed Abel.

I pity the

J ! !

…I could see it all.

Hands that appeared almost human — only small and green — came out of the Kaliwog like so many starving tongues and hurried Abel towards its mouth.

Please don’t eat me  please don’t eat me  please don’t eat, ahh!!!” he must’ve heard from beside him, as another contestant got his rib cage ripped out all   too   slow  for  a  mercy  kill . . from his stomach.

Yet Another Was Swallowed by the chain monster

clawing and scraping her way down its throat!

I come from London town I’m just an ordinary guy
Fridays I go painting in the louvre

I pity the

J ! !

Now,wegotstoshiftintoAbel’sperspective,cozIcan’tseeinthedark. . Abel narrates,

Me?- I’m swallowed by a great, big, gelatinous chain monster

and I’m probably delicious!

I said, “S’ Whut. Dr. Payne? Izzat you?” Sheesh!

I came to save you, fool!” Sheeyit! He was swallowed too. Dr. Payne came in to save me.


L L :pots tser

Something stuck in my back. . It was a bone fit for chewing, and attached to it was this note:


You have found Waldo’s dog

. Hopefully, with this, you can learn how to drop kick a puppy more properly.Go on, he’s clean!

So.. T.r.a.v.e.l.e.r.s o.f. E.d.e.n..


Thought I,


rest stop: J J J

“Yee-ep,” said I, Abel, to the Good Doctor, in response to his ‘I came to save your life.’

Well, you got me swallowed alive, so.”

Turn the page. *Flip*.

I said, “Youdidn’t  do  shit!”

I saved your life, ya plebian!” he said. “Be grateful you still have a spine…

Let’s shift back to my perspective. I like it better.

I pity the

J ! !


Abel said, “Well. Could  you  get  me unstuck? I got somebody’s morgue stuck in my rear end!”

I said, “Hold on, ya silly humanoid-You and your bones-on-the- inside. Sheesh!” I said, said Dr. Payne.“Have you felt the sides of this thing, fool?” I asked him.


They’s chains!

Re-heally?” said Abe.

! ! !


This was made all the more hard getting out, as a superhero had just crawled through an unsuspecting bowling alley and had thrown a city bus down yon villain’s mouth.

Well, we dodged that, and she, not  being  a  very  good  superhero, was soon found crashing down after. We never heard any more from her. . She was picked apart.

I say, God Damn-

We could unravel it from the inside,” I said. “The whole monster would fall apart!-Get me?”

“..It’s probably pretty stuck together if it can walk around like this, though.”

Dat’s  just  the  thing,” said Payne, said me: “I thought the same thing, but I was a pickin round at the sides of it, feelin the chain on my hand, and it was loose as a rubber band, HeyI think we could really swing this! Boy, why aren’t we picked apart yet?”

“I think it’s because you’re an alien, and I never drink milk.”

Abel felt around in the dark, this rubbery hand o’ mine leading him to the edge of the creature as we cricked over skulls; a cage of ribs; finger bones,  many  of  themcreeping in ’n’ out of us till us till we began to fester.

“Now unravel it, like so,” I says, “-and I’ll mosey over here and unravel the udder side,

and how  it  all  now begins to unravel.

I’m bound to be proposing on a saturday night
(There he goes again)
Ill be lazing on a sunday
/ lazing on a sunday
Everyday’s a Sunday afternoon!

*Bump–   Bu-m*.

! ! !


We must’ve unraveled that thing for hours.

I pity the

J ! !

When the stadium’s light kissed our feet, and we the ground, all  that  was left of the Kaliwog were two overseeing eyeballs and the hundreds of tiny hands it took to make a factory, make bank. It was screaming, “I’m dead. I can’t believe that!”

Manning freakin does it again!” I heard the Floating Announcers say of Abel, though they never seemed to mention the man who had the original idea for all this winningthis! as we crept out  the chains of the Kaliwog. .

! ! !


First place! this they awarded him. And a ribbon. And a medal.

Congressional honor of Shit.

I pity the

J ! !

The crowds cheered his name and he waved at them, shielding his own eyes from the spotlights that   might   as   well   have been shining on me. Here, somebody tossed a mushroom at him  that smelled something terrible, and handed it to Abel. I guess that was the congratulations bouquet for this planet- so I smiled and bowed myself. Done.

Miss Chimp Chimp ate it and had an allergic reaction.

It seems the guy who was supposed to play

We Are the Champions after the victory march had got all swallowed, so listen here: I played it for him,

-“(You know this song, right?)” it’s by Queen. 

I’ve paid my dues
Time after time
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime

(Go ahead. Sing along.


! ! !


I’ve had my share

/of sand kicked in my face /
But I’ve come through

Sing strong! Sing loud!

We’re proud of this moment. We really am!*

* are. Right?

I pity the

J ! !

Funny thing happened. Kenny Boy, so very happy, began to cry. And enlargen. Pretty soon, he was the size of the sky itself. And his tears!- He was so very happy!-

I pity the

J ! !

Yea, He cried a great, molten, muscled tear that exploded on the ground on contact, dissolving through the w i d e ning stain of the floor; and burst into the sky in a cloud the size of Hollywood, Africa!!

!! Oh, boo-hoo. Life’s so-o sad.

Looks like this will be the last episode of Planet Coliseum!” said the Floating Heads, Bob and Alex, and hopped into an escape pod and left the crowd to the imminent doom of yon retarded Warrior above that would soon lead to their inevitable acclimation. What a finishListen:

We are the champions

/ my friends
And we’ll keep on fighting – till the end
they sang.
We are the champions
We are the champions
it being their very  last song.
No time for losers
Cause we are the champions – of the world.
warriors of the past, I shall not bid thee again ‘aloha, have a colada*!’ ‘til    I    drink    of    the    silver    cup     of     Volhala…

! ! !


And here,

you’ll  never  believe it, but the tear had exploded into our asteroid so violently that that it tore open a vortex into other dimensions; and the whole alien planet was sucked into that whirlpool like it was being sucked off by an angel.

Through the spiraling vortex-

Planet Coliseum, the aliens, the beasts, Kenny Boy; Miss Chimp Chimp, Manning, ME-we found sweet escape upon yet another yellow-lit tunnel and so, began to crawl. . .  to feel small. . . to feel the rubber of an ever-widening tube scraping against young skin, and at the end of the night, I felt light.

I was light!

Oh, what an allergic reaction can do. Allergies!

! ! !


Abel…  the alien…  the orangutan..  Kill Joy, on whose fault I blame this whole adventure! all found ourselves as shrimp-like fetuses swimming in a red world, treading water, if in fact it could be

called water; till soon, we quadroplets were all aborted from the warm world by the unfeeling, steel instruments of the abortionist, and thrown into a trash basketJ

J but it looked more like a basketball hoop, to be honest.

After the operation, we were thrown into a China shrimp stir fry and boiled alive.

Have you seen us in a taco recently?

If you’re a bizarre food enthusiast, you may be chewing on us right now.

But when the customer bit into us, we escaped down the mouth, and through a portal..

..to the other side..

.. only to be burst outta the womb ‘n’ into a McDonald’s Play Place; hovering  in  some empty space with nothing iN or OUTside it, so  this  must   be   the  end of time.

I pity the

J ! !

Here, Mr. Chimp Chimp was a baby orangutan, crawling; Abe was a toddler, pawing; Dr. Payne was a young boy, no chair, no retardation. ‘Perfectly normal,’ as you might say, which was abnormal for the time, but he didn’t mind. We all four were crawling, but I didn’t see Kenny Boy. “Where’s Kenny Boy?” I said to them, and my voice sounded strange to me. Young. High-pitched.

“Dono,” said Abel. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

“No you’re not –  That’s Cain’s line. Haven’t you read the story?”

All Miss Chimp could do was squeak in the high-pitched squeal of ultra youth, so  I’m  not gonna put any witty one-liner there.

Where do you think we are now, I wonder?” said Abel.

Looking about us, I saw a giant yellow ‘M’ encircled in red. “

I know this place…” said Abe. “When she was kidnapped, my mother found her way back to me, and we visited here once on the road between flight; we came through a time warp. I only remember now because all  this  time  before I was so willing to-  forget…”

Well ain’t that a fact,” said I, no longer a doctor, just a Payne in the neck as I was too young even to go to the school before Pre-School. Now, Miss Chimp jumped up on Payne’s shoulders and began to squeak,  and  he  held her tiny hand in his finger. Ook! Ook! she said, indicating that we might look. “I think you should keep a close watch on Miss Chimp,” said Payne. “She’s a baby now- Don’t know what she doin.”

I nodded and we crawled on through– wherever we were. I dono: Narnia. “Where are we?” said Abe.

McDonald’s PlayPlace.  the one at the end of the universe,” said I.

! ! !


So it wasn’t the end of time, then…

In fact, said the giddy historian!

these four had pasts like knots tied together, it  being  very hard to separate one Time-line from the other, as their moms- “I don’t wanna hear about it!” said Payne. This was simply a space outside Time.

Listen: ..not everyone has a tragic past. Some have good, healthy fun ones.

The only thing tragic about our kidhoods was how shamelessly unEVENTful they all seemed.

L L L :pots tser

If-  you’ll-  be as so kind as to listen to me rant just once more, you’ll discover that’s why so very few people have adventures… Because most lifetimes have very  little  to  tell  about them on their grave stone but:

“[Name] was born in one place of [this year#] and died in [some other place] in some year after that.”


the long-ago,   the precedent,   the earlier period,   the ancient times. What went before…

I pity the

J ! !

So now, I looked outside  a spherical hole-(like the ones they’d have in some underground aquatic bubble city)-and saw three mothers sitting on a park bench, picking dainty at fried cheddarburgers while Mama It nursed a baby with black hair.

“She reminds me of _____.”

“Yes, she does-   She does remind you of blank,” said Chimpers sometime later.

“Hey.That’s freakin Kenny Boy!” said Abel in his best boy’s voice. “I gotta pee~  I mean, I gotta go get him!”


Don’t go!” said I           I just changed his diapers.

! ! !


But Abe was already off, the doof!-

crawling down so many tunnels into a sudden slide that ended all-too-soon, and left much to be desired; and then into a splash of multi-colored balls, which was probably the best part!

Anyway, I stayed to look after the baby, going “Miss Chimp-Chimp: What do you want to be when you grow up?”


! She said. “Well, I don’t like ____, and I don’t like to ____, and I don’t like _____.”


which one do you hate the least? Do that,” Ooh! and  that  was  the last we heard of them for quite some time. Abel narrates,

rest stop:


Outside of jungle’s gym and into a scorching white  luminosity, I saw that yon PlayPlace was all there was to this world. It seemed we was floating in a multi-colored dimension spiraling down a vortex and to  only  god knows where. Everything was lollipops and rainbows, which was the last thing Dr. Payne would be liking. Everything was not as it was supposed to be.

Even Mama It looked different- DarkerJ .

J not that there’s anything wrong with that!- It’s just, I’m a vampire when it comes to skin tone.

Mommy!” I said. I was 8.No, I was four! I was somewhere between 8 and four.

“Sweetheart!” she said.

She was 30 or 40, and she smiled at me with her 52 teeth, looking down at me as I ran up to her, tripped over a rock, held back the tears by biting each eyelid shut like they were a lip, ere we  rushed  up to meet her and to the other mothers what sat on the park bench: to a female orangutan, wife of King Louie; and a purple alien with a single, spiraling horn, and so, so red. “Bay-bay,” she said, said mommy, said It. “Shouldn’t you be playing with your friends?

“…Can’t Kenny Boy play?”

! ! !


Payne here.

I guess it wasn’t much time.

Listen:   . . I looked out the bubble window to check up on Abel.

She looked down at him, his mother. She was nursing, so she had her shirt open and everything. You could tell he didn’t want to look, but he did. “

He’s having dinner right now, hon? Can’t you play at home?

“C’mon! Pleeeease!”

She smiled real genteel like- and then, looking back at him, laughed. “Gimme 3 minutes- then he can play. But only in the ball pit. Don’t bring him up anywhere high, kay?”

“Kay!” he said.

L L L :pots tser

I paced like a tiger in its cage for a while, till, looking back to the Payne, who was still dragging around the screeching baby Chimp Chimp, I  just  had to laugh. I was hysterical.

He was looking at me like he wanted to strangle me.

rest stop: J J J

After five minutes,

Mama let me have Kenny Boy.

Here, I signaled for Dr. Payne to bring the simian down, and he followed me to the ball pit.

He told me his whole, boring life story.

He told me he’d been in a dream.

! ! !


“I’ve bin searchin for a way outta here for well over 4 centennialsL now- Do yuh think you’ll have any more luck than I have?”

He remembered that he was in a dream, though sometimes, like a dream, you forget you aren’t in reality. Then you do, and you wake up.


“What’s the retard doing?” said Payne.

O,” my mouth said. “Don’t mind him,” my brain said. “He just likes to roll around sometimes. Hey!” I didn’t know what to say, but I did want to change topic. “How do we wake up and everything?” 

“Just realize you’re dreaming, and open your eyes. But it’s best not to.”

“Why not?”

“Because they’ll just tazer you, and put you under so much sleeping gas, you’ll never wake up.”

L L L :pots tser

But be careful, young adventurers . . .

The darkness now hunts you.

..So, then!I finally woke up,  I think. :

When you’re strange

Faces come out of the rain / Bom!
When you’re strange
No one remembers your name
/ Bom!
When you’re strange
When you’re strange
When you’re strange . . .



The Rabbit Comes Out of the Hat, and there’s a Hare In Your Soup


Narrated by Miss Ape. Forgive me, I’m divorced.

I can’t fit in there. It’s too small!

“No, your body’s too big!~”

Boy, but it’s so large here! How many people in this world are there?



Play “End of the Night” by the Doors for when they wake up for the first time

Take the highway to the end of the night

End of the night, end of the night 
That’s right.

Dear Comrade Joe . . .

Times are tough on Mars.

So anyway, my rib cage was carved open right now, and an instrument’s prodding my heart with a needle, digging through my just-opened breast, but the kids are all okay; they’re all fine here.

How are you?

We’re all strapped down here, but I’m not the only one who had awakened.

They’re testing us with all types of diseases now: Appendicitis. Tonsillitis. Leukemia. Cancer, but the weather’s just fine.

“Lemme go!” I said, “I want ice cream!” and struggled against the ropes; while red light spilt all over my face like jellied ice, and the

Great Grand Eye above shone down an operating beam from the light of his stethoscope, and the HOO Dragons howled. “Lemme outta here, or I’ll bite you!” I said.

In the last few moments or so, the WY in their white lab coats hovered now over to me, and pushed me back to the schmoperating table. “This one is strong,” they said. “He has broken free of the Formula.”


How can it be a she? Look at her– those muscles are way to unbecoming of a female.”

Then, on Abel: “He is the Heir of Adam, Destroyer of Galaxies!”

“He  must  never  learn  his true potential!” said another.

And here I pause my suspension of disbelief.

There was a pain deep in my stomach-

scratchingclawinghungering– and all I ask is for some KFC Chicken- but then I find that I’m not hungry*, and it was something in my belly that was trying to get out.

* , woe to woe,

I feel weird for asking this,” said Abel. “but am I pregnant?” It seems he felt it too, and Payne, sleeping, would’ve asked the same, and Kenny Boy was too dumb to answer. Dumb, as in he couldn’t speak. Ook!

“Nay,” a voice said, as in answer to my elegant crooners’ voice. “You’re just delusional from all the testing. Sleep.


“But I feel-urp! -something,” said Abel. “Something inside my stomach, sir. Trying to get out.”

“Indigestion, probably.” “Gas, maybe,” said the voices.

But you didn’t feed us anything!”

“Oh, we did. It’s just hungry now. And teething.”

A blur of kaleidoscope fart whirled over my eyes- a breath of poison egg filtered rotten death through my lungs, and my memories faded unto ash, then to dreams.


Miss Chimp


Give my regards to the mother country!

Here’s a poem I wrote:

Realms of bliss, realms of light
Some are born to sweet delight
Some are born to the endless night
End of the night, end of the night

Class Dismissed!



: Who the Stank Cares About M.L.A. Format? I’m Lost!,

Narrated by your Captain,

Abel Manner. Manner- uh. Manner- um. Mannering.

Dangit, I hate school!

My spelling reeks


“look.DOESn’t ANYBODY KNOW what M.L.A. Format is?”

The class was silent- Nobody knew. Not even the monkey seemed to know, and she seemed to know everything. I swear to

god!- if you asked Miss Chimp to calculate the first 50 digits of pi, she’d give you the first 5,000 and then give you a 21 page oral report on the origins of pi, who discovered it, and what the first flavor was.

Probably cherry- Blueberry?

. . .

Look, Whatever- It’s corny anyways; I don’t wanna make a big

stank about. No, that’s not the first flavor…

In the words of my nephews, “The  first  flavor pie was red.”


L L :pots tser

and you know Dr. Payne?

Even though he was a Doctor of something, god knows what– he just sat there, looking dumb. So, finally, I raised a hand, a bit shaky, “You can show us if you want to.”

“That’s a very political answer, Mr. Manning,” the old hag,

whudyukall . . .   teacher said. “Now go sit in the corner and put your dunce cap on- It already has your name on it. Well!?”

So I did and the whole class ucked up their chairs and began to stone me with them.

rest stop:


Looky here:

Play “Another Brick in the Wall, pt 2” for when Abel and pals are in the schoolyard part of this ‘ere Nightmare. It’s a Floyd song.

When we grew up and went to school
There were certain teachers who would
Hurt  the  children

any   way    they   could that’s it!

rest stop:

: ) : ( 🙂

Now I want to talk to you about character wants. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glassa water.

Now what did these group of delinquents want?

Dr. Payne wanted her. She wanted him.

Mr. Chimp Chimp wanted out, I wanted in.

Kenny Boy wanted for us all to shut up and fuck ourselves: an impossible act of masturbation. “You go to hell and you die!” he’d tell us, in the not-too-distant Soon.

rest stop:


..I tried talking to Kill Joy, but Kenny Boy only glared out the window, chewing on something metallic- possibly one of his past braces.

He was always breaking the food laws on those things. “Shut up.

rest stop:


FIRST SMART thought o the day, I shrugged my shoulders and decided to get back to silliness and feign I wasn’t smart: I’d soon begun flarging out my musical virtuosity from band class. I was something of the greatest musician ever, at least I thought I was / I knew I was- I’m pretty good at the electric triangle. Strap an amp to the thing and I’d blow the waxout yer eardrums, full and intact!~

L L L :pots tser

Anyhoo, Kenny Boy was beginning to freak the hell outta me, and I’m pretty sure he’d eat half my organs soon, he ate half his desk.  And so, I  began  slowly  shuffling to the side of class with the least antiChrists whilst the Teacher droned on about M.L.A. format and how important it is to bore the hell out of your reader with technicalities and crap.

rest stop:


I picked a [nice] window spot on the opposite corner of the roomand the teacher didn’t seem to notice. She was too busy working to ensure that absolutely none of her pupils in the near-to-distant future wanted to ever produce printed stories in paper form again, so I got to creepering through my backpack for my little triangle, and tried to snap an electric amp in it, but alas-

You know me by now. We’ve been together like old times. I get distracted.

Mr. Chimp Chimp in the front, well- she was paying attention like hell; musta been the only one out of the four of us who were paying attention; though, I must make noteJ J as- my- commitment- to accuracy: that  even the Miss Chimpers seemed bout to pass  out  from  monotony. (

J J actually, I have nothing to say here.

rest stop: J J J

So I took out another instrument, this time a cello and began to at least try to play it; but the strings broke for some odd reason, so I chucked the whole shebammity out the window, where it crashed on the ground and a car alarm went off and screamed, “My leg!” I heard Somebody screel this from outside. “Is it still there?” I called down from above.

“Why, no No, it’s not.”

Was it a bass note or a cleft note that hit you?”


Ooh, I’m sorry. We can’t do anything about thatL .”


Teach didn’t seem to even notice that hullabaloo. She never notices anything…

rest stop:J J J

Teach handed Doc a paper. “Mr Payne. You will write this paper; but, first, read this note,” and immediately, upon opening it, he sneezed. “Your mother sent it in just yesterday. Or was it your sister?- Brother?” Oh well- and went galoofing off to her desk.

But you know the Payne He had others [to] do his reading for him. “Miss Chimp?”

“Yes?” Achoo!




or however  you  spell  the  word; I can never spell it right, said the note. Lo!

You have found Waldo’s cane. Hopefully, with this, your little brother will be all the more annoyed as now you have something to hit him with.



Wake up! This is a dream, you ninny.Be hardy enough to tell the difference between vision and reality.

rest stop: J J J

So I sent a group text to the entire class that went something like this: “OMG   HOW SWET WUD IT BE 2 FORM A HUMAN PRYMID


L. LET’S DO IT!1!1!1

So we did.

-we formed a human pyramid in the middle of class while T3ACH3R wasn’t looking- Everybody except for the disheartened monkey and the carnal Irishman.

When Teacher finally looked around, having been too scared or too bashful to look before,

andafterhearingallthat random shuffling of feet; why, it was only when she discovered the pyramid’s unstudied baseL that she couldn’t help but scream!:


And the floors crumbled. And the teacher melted; and instead of a classroom, there was a labyrinth- that is,

A maze of twistering hedges and solidating puss.

“the exam begins NOW.” I heard some such

[an] alien say.

Isn’t it so like a dream

?-I mean, isn’t it?.Tostartoutsonormal, andthen get really, really à


weird. . .



Excelsior. ???


?? What she said.




Freedom in Death


Narrated by Abstract Observer, Great Eye

It was like this, right?

: the Alien, the Zombie, the Cripple, and the Monkey-They were locked in a conference room.

Having a cigar.

“I love these things,” said the Monkey.

That reminds us!

-Play “Have a Cigar”. Go on

Get to it.

Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar.
You’re gonna go far,

fly high,
You’re never gonna die, you’re gonna make it if you try;
they’re gonna love you. Yes, yes. Yes.

GBC:pots tser

GOODEVENING GENTLEMEN! roared the Faceless ‘man’ from wayover a hundr’d foot mahogany table, ‘til his voice met the leather chairs where the Alien, Cripple, Monkey, Zombie freak sat, all sported up in business suits and ties.

Dude didn’t even have a face, but s/he still talked somehow!

rest stop:


‘Good evening?’ said the Monkey, figuring.

The Cripple just turned away and barfed at the polished marble ceiling

Bwhile the Zombie stared out the window. We seemed to be on the top floor of a skyscraper looking 100s of stories East;

straight  to   the crack of dawn.

he was very tall.B

rest stop:



said Faceless One, colour blue. ‘You are in a competition called Ex-i-stential Quandary. The WY’s and the HOO’s have allowed me to enter this world of ah, erm- ideas. :Yes -and set up a little game for you, M’kay? M’kay.

Everything checks out..

Mkay 

“And so, we find ourselves in an existential quandary. What to do; Oo!” the orangutan saidE this..   Bahaha!

she shouted.

‘Whatsa game, man?’ said the wittle Alien. He looked real funny in that business suit, the rippling Doctor of Torture and Ache. We notice these kinds of things.

Faceless read now briefly from the wings of a giant butterfly, whose inscriptions bear the lines of this novel. ‘The game, gentlemen,’ said the Faceless one, raising high a finger what instantly turned into a laser pointer and shot outwards. ‘iS tHAT yOU, as  of  twenty  minutes prior- hAVE hAD aN aLIEN’s baby planted fulliN yOUR aBDOMEN that will- intwominutestimefromnow– hatch from its egg and begiN to eat you alive s l o w l y  from the inside out. Talk about grodie! Eww.”    *Eh-hem

a hunger has been placed inside you, ladies and jerk ( ‘that’s you, Payne’)!aNDiFtHAT hUNGER iS nOT pACIFIED-  now youwill.be totally cONSUMEDbyit . ..this is not a threat; but a promise.”

Monkey dug a hairball out’a her ear. “..

Do you have to shout?”

‘It’s the way my CAPS are aligned, dearie,” said Faceless. “

It’s supposed to make me seem forebodingand mysterious.”

-As if on cue, s/he conjured out a card trick-

an illusiona hack saw. “I warn you,I have no idea what I’m doing,” said s/he. To prove this point.


FBC:pots tser

How is that a game, I wonder?!’ said the Purple Alien, folding his tentacles and looking cross as a false Christ. ‘And what’s dis prize you speak of?’ Of this, we cannot fathom.

The Facelessone adjusted her necktie and opened up a briefcase, spilling out the contents of which appeared four golden keys. ‘Take each a key, all of you. aND i wILL tELL yOU wHATthe Prize is. IamveryMysterious, yes?’

We’re just knocked out.

You owe it to the people. We’re so happy wE cAn haRDly cOunt.
We each took a key, except for the Cripple. He couldn’t take one for himself since he was physically retarded; so his caretaker, the pacified Zombie, put it inside the gimp’s beard for him ere we check’d back to the Facelessone.

The Alien asked a question.

‘..Why, yes it is, sir,’ said Faceless. ‘the prize is by far the priziest prize prisoners of your type could ever hope for!’

‘aND wHAT iS dAT?- exactly?’ said Payne.

Her answer: ‘The advancement of science for one thing, aS yOU aRE tO bE eXPERIMENTED uPON.’

And?’ said the Good Doctor, abruptly *spelamming*BC

BCHis oozing- egg -sack

‘Why… your lives, of course,’ said a very tickled

Faceless. ‘That is the prize.’

echo. the prize, the prize


FBC:pots tser

What about freedom?’ said the Monkey.

‘Yes, ‘

what will you do without freedom?’

fREEDOM cOMES aT tHE eND oF tHE tUNNEL, said the Facelessone ere we caught just the trickle of a smile coming up,in shadow, behind her. “Do you wish to be free?” s/he asked them. Very close.

They shook their heads, no. As a joke

; (

The Monkey wiped the slime off her face. ‘Do you have to spit? lOOK: What do we have to do?”


FBC:pots tser

Would you look at that!” said Face, rocking back in her chair, and thus, spinning around, s/he peered out the window, as the sun was just setting behind the clouds.

The Monkey wiped the shame off her face. ‘I said, What do we have to do?-’

‘The: terms: of: your: contract: are. as. follows,’ said the Facelessone from behind her chair. ‘All you have to do is find the Big Cheese at the end of the Labyrinth. Exit: stage right even.”

‘Dat’s it,’ said the Purple Alien, guffawing like one who is a.. how  yousay: idiot?

Oh, yes.’ said Faceless. ‘You are quite correct, very correct- That’s it. So easy to accomplish, finding this Big Cheese, is it not? You shouldn’t have a problem at all, so limber as you are.’

S/he stood now up, her face turned to where the glass pane of the conference room overlooked all the

Tallness. It was a high building.

echo. around the what?

*cough* “tHE cITY.’

rest stop:


There was a clash of giants in the sky.

You know the sort.

Titans skipping Jazz cracks across the clouds. Lightning.

This is where dreams collide, gentlemen! Your race to freedom begins at sunset, per the rules of any majik curse, ha!” and conjured out wand –n hat from which WE could only postulate: that if you snapped the wand, s/he’d be useless

O but now! s/he dipped a finger into shirt pocket, took out mass of cheese,

so impossibly large as could not be imagined, and tossed yon Swissball through glass, and into Sun.

rest stop:


“You must play for your own souls, and you:  must:  win.

“Yes, this isn’t a game for Enlightenment -r Spiritual Satisfaction, but for the unbearable Truth: Who are you?  Go.”

“..You mean ‘go,’ as in ‘go’?”

“Exactly- Question for Answer. Go.”

It was then that they fell through the mouth of Faceless’ ever-yawning shade; and so.. with the flash of sun’s last light, they were swallowed by the white shadow, but  before  all  that-

Before Faceless Xplained the rules of our labyrinth:

…“Any rules we shouldn’t know about?” they asked her.

Said s/he, “THE rule: Watch out for the Laws of Gravity. Expect the unexpected. -ll is reversed in the world(s) we find ourselves lost in, get it?. . . It’s punny!  When up is down, what is truth? Pilate doesn’t know, so how can you? Winning isn’t everything. It’s just the only thing that matters.

‘This is my first warning . . .

“2 + 2 = 5 here,” said s/he.

And so, as could be expected, the sun tore a hole thru the clouds, busy as tailors the night before an elephant’s wedding, and shattered reality thusways into a million, flaming, tiny Marks as our four heroic adventurers of ideas were ripped into another time stream and felt the cold, steamy claws of tasty little creatures pawing forth from the eggs in our lower intestines;

all this wacky nonsense beginning to scratch at our underbellies for freedom. But by ours, of course, I mean theirs’; for you see- We were perfectly alright, We were fine;We were the ones doing the experimentations. Weare the greatobserver   Eye.

Yetto you both I give the gift of Insomnia,” said Faceless, and slipped to us, a coupla dreams. Liar.




G F(uh?)BC:pots


D        AD    H(what do I do here, I’m stuck)


(listen: you can go your own way*)



just so long as someone else has been there. What are you, a liberal or a democrat?




in which eye.oops. In which we.play more

with the

wonder of perspective)


Where Dreams Collide,

Narrated by All Of US, which means,

quite obviously: None of Them

When Reality is Broken, the sky breaks like a glass, and Truth reveals a different dimension; from whence the blue filament that makes lightning think heaven is an alien blueskin goddess.

..Um .. .

.  .  . .. ?  [pause]


!Be a ..sportNpre..tend. thatm.eans .. so..meth.ing!  …. … … .. .. . …. .. .  . .. . ….. . .. .  . … .. . .  Dot, dotQuestion??

(now you see why these things are annoying?)

rest stop:


. The orangutan and the space alien were set up to be married to each other- the alien in a wedding dress, the orangutan in a suit. Yes, something is wrong.

Their genders are switched, for one thing. Abel is a woman, the alien is a woman, the orangutan is a freakin man, finally fitting her name ‘Mr. Chimp Chimp”, so   it wasn’t all bad.

Oh!’n..Kill Boy is a large Albanian whore..

rest stop:

That’s right

. We were sitting in a church service, lined up and scattered in our pews like the day before Christmas Eve; when We were all in a spiritual mood By we, of course, I mean Kenny Boy, that’s me!; and Abel, and Dr. Payne, and Mr. Chimp Chimp-  How could I forget?

:pots tser


he preacher in front was mulling over a candle-light service and I could hear the jingle of ‘Here Comes the Bride’ booming forth from a

very swingin gospel choir

! !

pots tser:

:rest stop

             (Stupid deaf people and your brail!)

Suddenly My bladder was full to burstingburning a hole in the bottom as I watched the kiss of the marriage   their shadows joining like drops of water

??!  I needed a can!

rest stop:


o I

gushed towards the wheel-in bathroom for cripples  my thing going off like a flamethrower   sizzling through the floor the doorthe everything


hit the bathroom and began blasting through the toilet like a fighter hoze through flame

Lucky for me to carry such a long nozzle

:pots tser

You see my problem don-t you

rest stop:


nd pretty soon

we was falling down towards a à


The bed of a giant.

Dr. Payne narrated this one. I gave him my Ieyes.

:the song to play here, of course, is,

-“Love Her Madly” by the Doors

Don’t ya love her madly
Don’t ya need her badly
Don’t ya love her ways

Tell me what you say


!  –the Payne in your tooth here!

I’m a


Listen, you (

on the other side of the book) I’m afraid I must inform you that there

was a little human baby asleep in a crib,

tall and dreaming, on’y it weren’t so little; and, once we painted eyes on its lids as a joke, you could have a hoot n holler watching it stare up to the sky from where great smiling clowns pulled pranks on the ceiling.

The baby turned over and nearly

killed me, but the Chimp who I love dove for some banana nut bread and knocked me outta the way just in time.


$hee#^%, methought I saw a thought bubble softly glowering from out yon brain of the babe. I’ll tell you what it said -it said,

‘A goo-goo.”

I pity the

J ! !

Someone had to say something at this point. We hadn’t said anything in a while.

“How the *

bleep* we gonna find a Big Cheese in a crib?” says I, sittin’ down on a rather obesely stuffed teddy bear; now I looked back towards our expectant leader, from where he sat on a NoMolesteMe Elmo doll- the Spanish version of our French tickler.

All your love (x3)

All your loooo-ve

I pity the

J ! !

I haven’t the foggiest,’ said Abe, in answer to onea many questions. “Faceless from the conference said this is where everybody’s dreams collide. Do you think that meant something?- or was s/he just being asinine? ”

I pity the

J ! !

We asked again why were searching for a big cheese, and Abel the big shot, said, “We’d die if we didn’t.” He said there was a bun in the oven inside all of us and it was fixin to explode!

Kenny Boy bumped into Abel again, his eyes pointing off towards the baby, who was snoring real quiet to himself.

“Whut?!” I said, turning to Kenny Boy and Kenny Boy positively cringed. “Wh

at is it?”

I think Kenny Boy wants you boyz to look up,” said Miss Chimp, putting furry finger to CHIN.  “Where  all  dreams  collideHmmm.

“Mebbe our dreams are

ALL connected here, in this barely decorated dimensional $#!@hole!; and so with all the Sleepers of earth. HOO, HOO!”

!I said ‘Time hole’ you idiot! Don’t fuckin *bleep* me out.

I pity the

J ! !

I rubbed my goatee all the way to the top of my long spiraling horn,

basically warming myself up to the question, “So yuh mean” à ?

“Bingo!” said the Chimpers. “I believe we can enter any dream of any Sleeper on earth,” which was not what I was gonna say, but then my mind was following her pointed finger as it directed all thought up to the baby dreaming softly (to himself) high above us. “

Even an infant babe.”

“So we were put here, to like à

Abel trailed off, I finished, “Tuh enter de dream of this baby!”

The Chimpers was besides herself with self-glory.

We shoulda put a suit on her. “Precisely! That’s the task at hand! That’s part of the test! Ooh-hoo, hoo-hoo!”*

* You should see her when she gets real excited.

Our combined intellect now said, “Let’s get this road on the show! um…” said the hopping Chimp. “Better make use of the rockets on Kenny Boy’s wheel chair,” said Abel, else, what’s it there for?

! ! !


So, to include

Gimpy as part of the team- the way a Spanish textbook always has three Jews, a gay person, and a half-a-body man on the front cover -we all hopped onto the back of Kenny Boy’s proof that he did indeed deserve special parking rights! He’s a

But I talked too much. Plus, I said ‘faggot’. The Producer fired me, hired the man she was bonking the night before, gave Mr. Chimp Chimp the go to fire the ignition, Abel refreshing

the new guy on how to take on Payne’s roll, “It’s simple: just learn how to carry yourself and be a dick to everyone who thinks different than you;” ere we shot off towards the ceiling, the baby now seeming a mile below us, worms of snot waterfalling down ‘her’ nose, a thought bubble hanging loose and transparent as a ghost above ‘his’ head- we hadn’t checked the gender yet***.

*** Lord, would you?

“I guess we just jump inside then?” was Abe’s guess.

“The best guess,” was Chimp’s guess. Whooh!

And so, Chimpers hit even more gas, and exploded into the dream bubble,

bursting it into a kaleidoscope fart of rainbow proportion, ere we fell into à


Turn  the  page. *Well?*

! ! !



an Old abandoned amusement park.

Roller coasters, bumper cars, bumper boats;

course there werelog rides, go-carts, arcade rooms– and assorted Dream-stuffs.

All was abandoned.

Mister Chimp Chimp narrated this one, so I gave her my eyes, though not without a fIght.

Might as well give er those. She had already stolen my à




Flight. That’s right, love. My comrades and I soared through an old amusement park, divorced of people, and getting older.

I must inform you that we four were not even bothering to bound off Kenny Boy’s rocket chair and touch ground for fear- (

at least I was afraid) -that the ground may lurch underneath us and not be ground at all, but something alive n moving in the mists of Avalon below. Ook!


!What was that?

Everything is in mist here..

Now there came, to me, the sound of a parade, and down rained the spectral body of a half-there, half-somewhere else- (

as he must’ve been bodily projected) -Wizard. “Hello,” he said,



You have found Wizard Whitebeard. He is my husband.

Give him back, damn you! Wah!- Wah!(See me, I’m crying). Wah!  : Hint.

– look behind you.

I looked behind me, and

there was the villain.

– behind him too.

Yes’n, behind him, the way out. Laugh with us!

“There’s a good dear,”

said a voice from above, and the wizard was gone, but it was too light and feathery to be his voice.

We were alone, yet we were not alone.

Play this song here to counter-mood it,

-“Love Me Two Times” by the Doors, for we’re at that weirdo carnival part.

Love me two times, baby
Love me twice today

Ooh hoo, ha-ha!

But soft

! ..What’s that lurking behind?

What she said.


As we four floated through a sea of mist, firefly our only light, such a dedicated and single-minded candle, I spied the millions in an inhuman parade-  do you see them, too?

–they’re beating up through the wet earth or damp mars or whatever planetary system this was. Through the mist they walked, and some drove. And some rode, or took their sister’s car.

They came on foot, they came on bikes, on old toy trains and Tonka trucks, automobiles, and Hot Wheels, High Heels. From behind us came every toy in existence that had ever ceased to be shelf-marketed, only

life-size, fun-size?.

Plastic moooaned to life.

They sang,

Love me two times, girl
One for tomorrow

Love me two times.
goin‘ away . .



What in hell kinda baby dreams this?” said Dr. Muscles.

“We must’ve gotten into the dreams of some Damien, son of Lucifer, or in the very least a lunatic possessed,” said Abel, in that very exaggerated poetic way we have come to expect from a drugged-out homeless-


“Now, now, now,” said a very mothering I. “Everybody gets nightmares. Even wittle babies. Zey just don’t remember them so well ‘til they grow up and their brains develop.”

“Well, blow me down,

way down– that’s the spot! This is about as much nightmare as I can take,” I, Chimpers, said.

Something terrible then happened.

Dr. Payne asked me if I was alright.



“Affirmative. A possessed Cabbage Patch kid just flew toy scissors on a paper plane into my leg, but I’m alright. Freaked. But I’m fine here!”

“..I don’t appreciate the sarcasm, but I appreciate that you’re hurt,” said Abel.

What she said.


Don’t you know, there’s a

LARGE squeal below?- and looking down, I saw Spongebob leading an army of Transformers, G.I. Joe, and X-men action figures towards a very nervous: us.

Yes, the inanimate can be very animated.

“Oh Great Shitake,

save me!” said Abel. “They’ve got Autobots!”

And we’ve got to get mobile!” said I. 

The color of night here is the color of [used] laundry, dirty and  dark. Reminds me of old country, though without the familiar, communist anthems

of home..



  I whammed the turbo button on the back of Kenny Boy’s rocket chair and we shot off into that night, and still, how it began to rain.

A whole city of Lego people had built a tower just ahead us, and upon meeting them where they were,

for we were procrastinators at heart and so procrastinated to swerve, they dragged Abel off, but we got him back again!

We found a pirate ship and commandeered it.

What she said.


Everything began to melt.

The sky bloomed with color, of what before had been a dark smudge of night, like a well-smooshed crayon, don’t stop listening yet!- and the ocean carried away our fair pirate ship into the sky and over the roller coaster was a sight of the entire fairgrounds. -Abel narrated for a spell:

“Abel, you’re okay!” said a dark voice from behind me, because I want to be all mysterious and crap.

I turned around, and found a large monkey paw resting heavily on my shoulder. “Mr. Chimp Chimp! Where’s everybody else?”

The sky became lit with the nonsense of

pink, and the melt that came from toys was now hastening us through some pink crevice in the ceiling and howwe flowedon that water.Back into the world of the baby and his crib.

What she said.


Shooting past the crib, then out the window, on wings of water, we flew over must’ve been half a continent of stockings ‘til we landed on the desk of what looked like a grand old college professor who fell asleep at work after grading papers long into the night.

Dr. Payne asked if  this was our next dream then, and Abel responded, bravely, with I think so.

“Well, le’s go, coz I’m starvin for cheese.”

Abel looked back to Dr. Payne real weird like, then felt the earth move, he must’ve, for there came a loud groan in his stomach and I saw a tooth and a claw rip right through his gut! but he just bit his lip and bashed the creature back.

I was hungry too. Hungrier than I’ve ever been. Abel signaled for us all to ‘Went’, as to ‘Go’ would be too late. We should already be leaving; w

e should have already left*.   * past tense. Yesterday.


“Good. Coz we launch yesterday! Um,” said Abel.

I took to the wheel of the pirate ship we’d gotten from the amusement park and Abel tapped it twice with his umbrella. The inanimate decided to take to life, and began to float up like a live thing with wings; and here’s where we four heroes WENTabove the shade of a god’s thought, bubbling high above an ancient college professor what sat drooling enormously at his continental desk. It seemed that he was working on something.

And so

We fell into a thought, and that thought being à


A blank room of nothing, nothing- Neither black nor white, which, in itself, is something.

Abel took a swing at this one.

On a table in the center was the only thing that could be conceivably described as ‘

thereJ ’ : a single book.

J ever try describing the word- ‘ there’ ?

Dr. Payne was the first to rush up to it, and Kenny Boy followed, a loud piggish squeal coming from his gut as I saw the pain drowning over his face like a fish in a bowl.

“So.” said Payne. And essentially asked, What do we do with this

*bleepin* bleep? Have *bleep* with it?

rest stop: J J J

We crowded the book, lifted it to see what lay beneath, then filtered through the pages, looking back at Mr. Chimp Chimp for her sagely advice. “Well,” she said. “I’m crazy sorry, comrades, but there’s nothing under that book that seems especially interesting. Of the book itself, every page shows nothing but exotic soup recipes, I kannot read it. Plus, what are the diagrams for?  Is that a cat doing a-? ”

-Bear with me.

“Wait,” said I, in such a way that my ‘wait’ made Kenny Boy lift an eyebrow that hadn’t been raised in years, so that it creaked, its mechanical pulley broken; and when the little men and their coffee mugs tried to fix the brow or advise the children aggressively below to wear hard-hats, it was too late. *Crash*! went the eyebrow, and shattered, and Little Timmy was dead, but that’s okay for a red herring. No one liked Little Timmy. Little Timmy was a nuisance. Little Timmy was the rejected sperm of Dennis the MenaceL L .

L L so goes the twinkle in his eye~


rest stop: J J J

I threw open the text. Thus, I stopped at a page, and nodded; raising my umbrella like a duster, tapping the page three times, the magic number.

“Nothin happened, Tinker Belle,” said the commentative, ever-cheerful butt of Dr. Payne.

“Hither or Thither, shut up!” said one of us, I forget who, but I know what I said. I,

Abel, said, “Will you shut it and just wait for a minute?” and surfed a few more pages, tapping it on another spot the way a bug man checks for wood mites. “Wait. . how ‘bout this one?”

No, that was a recipe for Leek Onion soup, I better try another page. Oh, here’s one~!”

I tapped my fingers at the edge of the book, pronounced the word, “Guella Gaal,” and a green and blue electricity, liquid in its movement, slid down my conducive palm and into the book so it tore Time and Space open, which you can just imagine the sucking sound that makes! but have you ever tried sticking your dick in there? . .

It’s soothingL L .

L L In the pool.

“Repeat after me,” I said. “Booyah!”

“Booyah,” said they, in a corny unison, with cocked heads like confused puppies, but it’s what I asked for, and if you don’t follow the leader sometimes, tell me: what guidance can you find in your life?

“What does saying ‘booyah’ do, may I ask?” said our ever-inquisitive monkey friend.

Basically: “Nothing,” says I. “It just sounds really cool when you say itJ J J . “Now hop on in there!

J J J and if we all say it together, doesn’t it make us popular?

I waved my hand over the book once more, pressed my face against the page and my face soon shrunk to the size of a

nothing, and then my neck and torso, legs and feet followed, everything shrinking and becoming as if nothing, then as something again.

Ere, we fell into the pages of a kook’s book and came out on the other side of a à


Library. Who wants that?

Obviously, Mr. Chimp Chimp took the mike on this oneJ .

J she has glasses.


Be off then.

What she said.


FIGURE 1: There were a lot of books by famous authors and gym teachers, looking as if they were read and reread to extinction. They were everywhere.

Edjumuhkating things.

And in the middle of it all was the same lively college professor from the great desk outside this dream, dreamily reading away his life, ooking down at the pages. Ook!

“Best not disturb The Sleeper,” I advised Abel’s over-anxious ears. “He dreams this dream you know.” We’d be out like *Poof*.



Abel fumbled around the books and gave a motion for Payne to follow him. He did. First thing he asked is what in hell we gotta do to get outta here,

I’m starvin.

Payne looked back to the professor. “That man over there is very quiet. Maybe he’s hiding something- could be chocolate. He could know more than he knows we know. Um…”

Kenny Boy, meanwhile, was busy hovering up ladders, whooshing his rocket chair around the room, probably on quest for a Where’s Waldo? book. I baby sat him as a favor to Abel?.

? Abel had been very good to me.

What she said.


A librarian walked in and saw that a huge chunk of -(for lack of better diction)- ‘library’, had been blown away from a pirate ship’s ramming it with its mermaid’s bust, also inappropriate, as she found cleavage offensive, and so the librarian began to shout her lungs out, which is the last thing you’d expect a librarian to do.

“THIS IS A LIBRARY!” she said, ever so prettily. “WHAT IS A FUGGIN PIRATE SHIP DOING IN A –well?”

I said, “We’re sorry about all this, Madame– but we didn’t know we were making port in a library.”


“Yes, love,” said I, Chimpers. “We see this is a library. But please! Ooh, hoo, ha-ha!?? you must not disturb your guest here,” and pointed to the college professor, whose dream it was. “He’s trying to getsmarter or something.”

??forgive my mental hiccup.


Dr. Payne leaned into my ear since the days he used to nibble it for pleasure, so that I heard him say, “Want me tuh kill ‘er?” Abel narrates:

Mr. Chimp Chimp snapped her head back. “It wouldn’t be civilized.”

“For fun’s sake!” said Doc Payne. “It’s jus a stupid dream.”

The Sleeper looked up from his book, adjusted his spectacles, and continued to grade papers, dipping a long quill into a bottle of liquefied black as he came to what looked like Abel’s test.




You’re a very observant person, you know that? I’d say that’s your strong point.”


Okay!” I said.

Dr. Payne took off his shoe, and what he did next,I’m not kidding you– he wrapped his sock all the way around her beehive hairdo, and her neck, the bees stinging in self-defense.

Oh yes:

“NOT IN THE LIBRARY!” said the now, bug-eyed, librarian. “NO FIRST DEGREE MURDER IN THE LIBRARY! THIS IS A LIBRARY! Yes, it is.

“Basically, QUIET IN THE… library, is what I’m trying to communicate here..

Is that a strangle-hold you’re trying to put on me? Oh dear

“No, no!- you’re doing it all wrong! See, you put this hand here, and that finger there- there’s a good boy! and here’s where I, slowly suffocating, say, ‘what are you doing in this- branch?. fuckers.’ Fade out.

“Goodt,” said I, now turning all head away from the forever silent librarian. “She’s dead!

Said Chimpers, “I hope you’re happy, Doctor P-

Oh! She may have been somebody The Sleeper was in love with or some such rot, did you think of that?. This could traumatize his dreams and we alone will suffer for it!”

“Oh shut up,” said Dr Payne, and he dropped the librarian on the floor and jutted a pencil through her neck.

“…You’re no help.”

Excuse me. Hallo! You there!” said the college professor from his nearby table. “Thank you for killing that obnoxious librarian, but could you please be very quiet-?*** Yes. It’s been pretty impossible to grade Astronomy papers with all this noise!”

*** Imitate that dead girl over there, she’ll give you lessons.

“See, I’m of some help.”

What she said.


Sorry, said Abe.

“That is quite alright.”

Dr. Payne asked how we could solve this.

Whatchu doin?” said Abel, looking down at the college professor.

“Grading papers, of course! Like I told you. Geez!”

These aren’t papers,” said Abel. “They’re corpses…”

I looked down at the ‘papers’ again, and they were suddenly deader than my political career after child sex scandal, three counts.

As for the books, inside the misspellings of an Alphabet soup were letters shivering and crawling off the pages like an armada of carpenter ants destined to read, um

— somewhere else.

(As they contained the letters).

“Oh, how horrid!” said the-to-be-expectedwimpy college professor.




“You imbe –.

seel  You emba.ssy–  you, umyou, uh. Um. Er. Ah…


hUhAh. Oh shit!Uh. Um. ???.. . . .  What?’- this is haaarrd.


Imba seal, Imba seal..M-buh.)Stimpy, you eediot! There, I so

got it right that time,” said me, said I,the Chimpers. “You’ve disturbed The Sleeper, you dim bulb! Those were just papers until you made him imagine something different.”

“I don’t notice anything different..”

Looking back towards the books I now saw that there was more than just letters and words rising off the pages, like a series of mad mummies from its coffin bed. There were peoples; creatures, things– rising out from under them.

Several popular characters in fiction.

“Okay, yeah-” said Abel.

What she said.



A blood vessel from the old codger’s dome snapped off in such a way to make you ask, “Dude, how heavy is your head?” and bit into the ground like a jungle vine, garden hosing about the floor and breaking the whole dream world in two- three- four- who’s counting?

“Holy crap!” I said?.

? Ooh, hoo… Ha. Ha.

Kenny Boy shot a rocket into the college professor at this point, and he exploded, but so did the overweight blood vessel on the floor.


Blood burst everywhere- aha! -and a crack in the floor that turned into the price on a commercial advertisement, 9.95, and we fell into the dream of an unsuccessful conman, who, at the moment, was dreaming next to an unsuccessful trashcan.

Here, we surfed brain waves into the imaginings of a hobo, forever escaping reality or the harshness of a Job;  .and into à

bum, bum, buM.


a Jail break.

Obviously, being a criminal, I stole back the eyeIs from the Chimpers and did this one right.

Me. Abel! -I was the doof carrying the billion dollar sack he didn’t know how he got, especially since I’d just come out of jail wearing the striped zebra attire that was its staple. Mr. Chimp Chimp was driving the unmarked van ahead of us, opposable thumbs tapping to a music, while Dr. Payne was in the process of dragging Kenny Boy off towards the get-away car; since Kenny Boy was still a total gimp, only this time without a wheel chair to his legs, as that was notall that he had been stripped of.

Hurry, comrades!” said the Chimpers-: Run like hell.

-Play this one too: “Run Like Hell”

by Pink Floyd, for when Abel is running from something . . . that wants to harm him.

Run run run run (repeat four times)

rest stop: J J J

We passed the guards. .    The guards’ dogs. . .

I thought it a little awkward to just run in front of people who didn’t care I was leaving or squatting down for a shit picnic. The dogs set down a Frisbee on the ground for me to throw. Which I did.

I threw the Frisbee.

Dr. Payne plucked me up and we rushed off anyways, “It’s still a race, yuh moron!” no thanks for reminding meJ . Run!

J Which I knew. I knew that.

“Where are we racing to?”

He tossed me and Kenny in the back and we sped off, making bathroom across eleven continentsJ J – until we ran out of gas.

J J in continental breakfastseEs

rest stop: J J J

Wescaped. Then we didn’t escape. We were captured.

L L L :pots tser

WE WERE SENT back to jail. Only this time, we were sent to death row; and I had to watch as Kenny Boy, the Monkey, and Dr. Payne were rolled off to the electric chair and burned to charred apple bitsJ before my very, very, very eyes ‘til it was my turn.

J Very tasty in the right dipping sauce, this. Caramel crunch!

“Mr. Manning,” said a guard’s voice.

“That’s my name- please feel free to wear it as it hat,” I said.

“I have, and it’s very nice. My kids like it.

Oh, and it’s your turn to walk.”

Oh goody! I guess it’s high time I went free bird.”

They set me on the electric chair, where many a bald head became Christmas’ light, and I watched the faces of my executioners cold, calm and mysterious as they lay a sponge over my brain.

“So; this is Texas, right?” I said.

“Course it’s Texas,” said a very winking executioner. “Where else do you got Shocker 3000 technology.”

O,” my mouth said. “Shocker 3000. Is that new?”

“It’s an older model . .. but it still works.”

“Nice piece of machinery. I mean, it’s streamlined; good coat of red paint, or maybe that’s blood, but still: it’s even got a nice racing stripe down the middle, and looks like it’s sponsored by Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes or Nike or something. You know Nikeenforces child labor?”

“That’s why I only wear Reebok,” said the executioner.

“I don’t think the Cowboys are gonna win this year,” I said.

My executioner, very briefly, giggled. He seemed like a real nice fella, only he was a porker. Everything’s bigger in Texas, especially the people. “Well, then. Who do you think is going to win, partner?” he said to me.

The Green Bay Packers,” I said.

He laughed. “Wrong answer! I suppose I have to kill you for that.”

I laughed too.

I could feel a true friendliness gluing between me and the executioner. He seemed kind-

A real pal.

Here, he set the Mask of Mortality over my head and attached me to the machine.

. . . That was the end of our relationship.

Swiftly dying, I saw a lo-ong light at the end of the tunnel, and crawling through that spacious space, I felt my way into a à


funny farm.

I thought Dr. Payne funny, so I gave him the eIyes, and he narrated the rest.

! ! !


It was an old building.

I wonder how many forests it took to build this city of suffering(12).  Sheeyit.

-Play “My Eyes Have Seen You” —

the Doors, why don’cha, for when the Great Eye is looking down at them all and has found us all.

Get it? It works jes fine. We sang,

My eyes have seen you
Stand in your door
When we meet inside

F#@$ me some more

I pity the

J ! !

Kenny could fully use his legs without his chair. He was the only one who wasn’t crazy. He was the nurse.

He said, “Guys. Psst!” and essentially told us to get the fudge outta here, “I can’t change another diaper.”

We just pooped and clapped our hands.

Kill Joy, being the eleven foot, six hundred pound monster that he is- he just picked us all up out of our shared playpen and walked us the hell out of that place, towards the sun, and out of this bubbly world*.

* Everything’s hazy when you’re dumb.

“What are you doing with those admitants, is that the right word?” a nurse now in front of him says.

Kill Joy walked right thru the nurse and crushed her, such a dinosaur was he. Her last words were:

Eyes have seen you
Let them photograph your soul
Memorize your alleys
On an endless roll

Endless roll [x 14]

When Kenny Boy finally hit door, he opened it up, a bright flash reigned over us, and à

àWe were back in the alley at the foot of the hobo, while cats dreamed of cat things and dogs of what it would be like to eat the kibbles out of kitty litter.

Mr. Chimp Chimp being an animal, I gave her my eIyes and she narrated the rest:

We had just fallen out of the dream bubble, m’love, and everybody was back to normal. Poor Kenny Boy, though, the wretched boy couldn’t walk anymore, no; and the rest of us were no longer mentally retarded, thank heavens. It made me wonder about the Kenny Boy. It really did..

He could of stayed there and ran around a little.



We walked down an alley, all microscopic again- when a large flood of water from the alley above took us away and collected us into the drain pipes of all the smells of humanity, and it was there we saw what appeared to be an old woman with red pigtails laying in the most unlikely place,

a sewer, and clutching onto a stuffed bear. It was warmer there.

Her skin was so albino white she could’ve caught fire just from stepping outside.

Ook! She said, “So it seems… I’ve lost myself in a poor boy’s fantasy- ..again. Little peopleComing to my rescue?”

Then she closed her eyes.

When she closed them, a bubble gave sail like the sun, a halo over her head, and the flood of our voices swept both her and our little bodies up together and led us voyagers to à

à somewhere inside the heart of a woman. Did you understand all that?

This was too obvious for I, the Chimpers, being a hot-rockin woman. So I gave the girlz a break and thought how [k-ute!] it’d be to get for a guy’s perspective on this, and thus, crushing major on Dr. Payne, said, “Tag! You’re it!” and gave him my Ieyes. He did the rest,   

Play “Soul Love” for ‘the heart of a woman’ part. David Bowie.

Stone love – she kneels before the grave

A brave son – who gave his life to see the slogan
That hovers between the headstone and her eyes
For they penetrate her grieving

! ! !


Fool of a woman,

I d

on’t wanna do this!*

* [Mostly, because I can’t.]

You know the rules. It’s been hot potato narration the last few- Forevers…  God! Don’t be a sour puss.”


** and I’m not God.

I dono…  Babies. Unicorns.

Rainbows. Shiny things.  -Princesses. Fairies. Hearts!

Think deeper. What do women really want?”

$#*%, I dono. Why do women think we can read their minds all the time? Can they read minds?

Perfumes and choc-o-lat…

. . there’s that! Perfumes and chocolate.

I pity the

J ! !

.. and a dog named


You go too far, sir.

Awakened desires. Men on a flagpole- Tangled up in purple. Shakespeare in rags. Peace, Love,

Harmony. Tenderness. Compassion! Stereotypes. Oprah. .

New love – a boy and girl they’re talking

New words – that only they can share in
New words – a love so strong it tears their hearts
To sleep – through the fleeting hours of morning

And a kitten named Cuddles,

She looked like this.

[here was the picture of a pornographic woman. Well, her ass.]

Figure 1

: Is that an hourglass? You could tell time on that thing.

Payne- who’s this girl?”

! ! !


“What a freaky place anyway! I had to get outta here. “

“I swear to god this is the worst place yet!” Abel said it for me.

Me and f$ckin Kill Boy nodded, but Mr. Chimp Chimp set her paws on hips, as if to say, ‘Oh no you didn’t!’

“I like it,” she said.

“That’s because you studied a broad. No offense,” I said.

“Why should I be offended for being female?”

“Hey Mr Chimp Chimp, my man- could you give me a hand opening this pickle jar


Oh that does it!” said Mizz Chimp.

She got to chasing Abel through a minefield of ponies, Barbie dolls, and fairies, which he turned into a field of decapitated heads with his light saberish umbrella, just to piss off ole Mizz Chimp who was gaining behind him.

He wouldn’t hurt the kitties, though.

He liked kitties J

Love is careless / in its choosing
Love descends on those defenseless
Idiot love will spark the fusion

Inspirations have I none – just to touch the flaming dove
All I have is my love of love – and love is not loving

Think deeper. What do women really want*.

* someone to listen, andnot to fix thingsA little sensitivity, and washboard abs.

Like I said. Abel was being chased by a four hundred pound female warring orangutan space hotty, Kill Boy and me just sittin’ calm when I lit a drama stick and tossed the lighter into the field.

Everything caught fire and began to burn.

I pity the

J ! !

While everything was burning, Kill Joy toasted some hot dogs and a blue eye in the sky poured out into one gelatinous tear, and fell on us like the second coming of Jesus Christ. We were soon in the dark abyss of an endless expanse of water, where you can breathe in the water, but, for some reason, you cannot pi$s.

..I really had to go.

Which gave further suspicion that,

this too, was a wet dream . . .

Inspirations have I none – just to touch the flaming dove
All I have is my love of love – and love is not loving

Mr. Chimp Chimp became a trout scurrying up waterfall and so did I.

We flew up that waterfall.

To à


the eye of a giant little orphan’d boy.

Said we- both me, Ape, and Payne, Alien– that the Boy Kenny and the Man Abel were all  of  these;  so we gave them our eyesI.

Play this song here,

-“Someday Soon” — the Doors. Lyrics that work in this case, in spite of its corniness.

someday soon

familiar breeze will

fill your room

but you’re going to die

and you’re going to be needing

all of your eyes
I had just ran out of tears by a way no one could. Oh, I’m sorry. Did you not understand that? Have you ever swam in the wetness of an eye? Well, I have. It really is amazing. Truly.

Payne just asked me what the hell all this was? I told him, keep trying! J

you’ll be all alone


That still didn’t clear things upL , so: “I don’t know. Ask



nor reassure him.

“But we’re slidin down de cheek of a little boy.”

“Girl actually,” I said. “But you really can’t tell till age 6 or so, can you?”

someday soon

television bleeding like

a harvest moon

Kenny. Kenny Boy…  Kenny!

!!!!!“What -Oh!” Kenny is me, is I, is the one narrating. There!

We found an orphan-s tear

Swimming back inside yon tear, we found a maze, where all directions end in

up. I’m sorry if you didn’t understand that back there.

Here, I tripped over something small and heavy.

My condolences . . . it said. That must have ouch’d.

Oh, would you look at that!

It’s Waldo’s key. Now there’s something you could really use.

It’s used to unlock the labyrinth and stuff, where Abel twill meet the Big Cheese, fancy that. Are you paying attention? You are?


-There’s no hint this time. Sometimes, in life,

life’s not easy. You gotta find your way on your own, or by force of another’s suggestion. So long, and good hunting.

You won’t see me in a while. . .

You won’t see me in a while.

You! won’t-




Where’s the frickin Piece of Cheese! I’m starvin!abDNwhat’d I just say? Search me!K

Narrated by Kill Joy, Sr. and Monkey Man


No, David Bowie makes no appearances in this feature.)

We had grown gills and could breathe tear water like atmosphere.

Swimming in the dark of a

single tear…

Song to play here,

-“I Looked At You” — the Doors; during a chase scene of the Labyrinth episode where they’re on there way, but they can’t turn back.. long after the contract is signed.

I looked at you
You looked me
I smiled at you
You smiled at me

:pots tser

I went to break free from the Orphan’s Tear.

When I first broke free, and took my breath of something other than, well, a tear- I was at the start line of a hedge mage.

A labyrinth.

“Comrades, Brothers, Fools!” said one of us. “We must continue on or our stomachs will explode!”

“There is that,” said the other two of the three of the four.


Who. Who. Who.

My baby was kicking real hard. He was cute. I called him Timmy.

He’s gonna be a- soccer player.

Who. Who. Who.

If I lifted my shirt, I could see his little head making science-fiction through a hole he put in my stomach.

And one of four mouths from one of five stomachs declaring “Papa!”

He was a kicker. He, too, mistook me for a man.

Me. Moo. Moo.

Considering there are four entryways to the labyrinth and four of us,” said five of us, so that’s including the sports enthusiast, “Ah, to hell with it. Let’s go!”

We four set off into the hedge maze, not knowing what was to be known, encountered, found, or

feared..in a maze set up inside an orphan’s tear.

Play “On the Run” (instrumental Floyd) – when Abel is running from something that definitely wants to harm him; the Meanotaur.

This song has no lyrics.

ecco. No lyrics.

Passing to the very end of a hollowed-out tree stump, our Hero looked up unto the sky, but there wasn’t a sky. We’re not quite sure if we were inside a tear anymore.

There was that ‘woman’ in the trench coat without a face, only s/he washugeAllThereIs- a single hair of hers the size of our entire social network, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter; and here AllThereIs was sitting on high in conference room, looking down with fingers interlaced over what might’ve been only a ceramic coffee mug. She scooped Abel up in one swift gesture, and brought him to her face. Her face was a hollowed-out tree stump&.

& Her stare was the sun.

“…My dear, sweet. Sweet-sweet Abel,” said s/he, almost Momishly, gathering him up as a hen mothers its KFC hopefuls. “You have approximately 4 minutes in real time before your stomach explodes and you are chewed to a vacuum by your own seed. You had better start running, young man,” in a way that told him to clean your room. “The race to freedom lies before you. Tick tock, and all that. Yes…”

Mama!” went the baby.

Setting him down, the giant farted good-naturedly, swelling approvingly down at him; and the gas became a low thunder, just a minor earthquake to the hedge world. It was then I began to run through the bush- [not so much for the time crunch than from the stench, looking Godward, where some soft, soddy aliens with lab coats and law pads looked down at us as if we were white mice in a cruel experiment: ]

Here, a little note winged down, and called itself, quite verbally, the progressive thinkerits voice a little bell.

On my stomach, an inscription- very suddenly –read, You can move as far as you can ahead in this maze and still make no step forward. Not all steps in the forward direction are progress and sometimes a step back may just save your life&. Sometimes, in the Great Maze, one needs just step back.. to step forward.Progress.


Not all change is good, and not all bad. Who knew?


Your Mother

“You guys are sick!” I said up to Faceless and the scientists cohorts who stood penciling down numbers on notepads.

They continued to emit bodily functions…

I suppose they really were sick, though in a much urpier way than I’d imagine.

Oh, but then! the finger of Facelessmade swan’s dive into a pool of water*, and, lovingly- s/he began to stir. Out of the wet came a darkling shadow that was my shadow, and it began to chase my footfalls, with a speed right above mine. “Nothing to make you clock in your new mile-time than the proper motivation,” s/he boomed.


just in front of me.

What she said.


“Oh, and here’s a minotaur.”

What she said.


Behind him, the Finger stirred up the hedges, and out of the bush and out of ground came monsters rising. They had nothing to their stomachs and no stomach at all, and all they could cry, they cried out: “COOK ME  FRY ME  BOIL ME TRY ME!” And a minotaur.

From here on, the mud men rose from every hedge, and every pit and every thorn, crying: “FEED ME FEED ME- WHAT DO YOU WANT?” “I’LL HAVE A CHERRY TURNOVER!” oh, and the shadow and the Bull man too&.

& The Minotaur

What she said.


Abel leapt over fire pits and endless pits of nothings.

The ground below him gave up, the soil quit, and everything began to turn into quicksand and mud; and rotten cheddar.



Let’s see how the others are progressing

.Kenny Boy went his own way. The alien and the orangutan, that’s me, worked together; and ran like teenage boys away from their pregnant teen girlfriends.

What she said.


In frontuvmee I, Abel, perceived a current of winds, jump’d it, and began to surf through a forest of hedgeas from behind me, allthoughtbegantodisappear and turn to nothing, nothing, nothing.



Narrated by that hobo creature,


I saw a big cheese. Though it was far off.

Where’s the cheese, anyway? Where’s the cheese? I’m greedy for it.

Where’s the beef? and for that matter, where’s the life in me? I’m fit to die!

L L L :pots tser

Very truly, I’m running out of ideas. I feel like such a butt. When running out of ideas, walk.

It was a spiral staircase, never-ending, anyways. Everything opal-colored and glimmering, in all the colors that could be imagined and a few more that held the roof up with nothing but love’s light!

rest stop: J J J

I beat back the hunger. I whacked five faces of the beast with my best clenched appendage: a fist.

No go, no good. Soon, guts began to spill! And hot too-   staining the stair.

L L L :pots tser

I’m almost there.

I passed hills, I passed clouds, I crossed mountains. Below me I could see everything, somewhat, sharper- more realized- everything was zooming

past me, and my eyes could still see everything, and see more, and see deeper the farther I climbed.

Looking down, I saw my entire

SocialFriendNetwork. Dr. Payne was hopping mad across lava rocks and a best-of compilation in zombie fliksL . Kenny Boy was still stuck on the stair part, since there wasn’t any Handicap Ramp, and he’d run out of gas. Mr. Chimp Chimp was dodging unoriginal Raiders of the Lost rocks that have been done beforeL ; and so, *yawn*ing, I passed my glance to something a little more original- to the vicious barrel monkeys of Ant’uin I had crossed before, though had forgot to mention, due to editorial constraints.


L L L :pots tser

-Play The Doors’s “Not to Touch the Earth” at this point.

[play lyrics here.] Not to touch the earth

Not to see the sun
Nothing left to do, but
Run, run, run
Let’s run
Bloody good idea.

The day had soon begun to grow cold. Night was waningL L .

L L Or was that waxing?- I always mix up the two.

I saw a lake.

A wraith, a spook.

A transparent ghost of a figure I couldn’t recognize even if I took appreciative art class.  Faceless, Formless. Genderless- it left me breathless, I’ll tell you that, but it probably hasn’t got you yet. Don’t worry. You’ll be there.

Boo, it said. I couldn’t move.

Run with me
Run with me
Run with me
Let’s run

, it finished.

“ . .You’re in the way of Progress,” I told the wraith.

What are you looking for, lebA? said the  wraith, to which I replied, “I’m afraid you have my name on backwards.” I could hear it in my head. It had no real voice, but was more of a very loud and noisome thought.

To us over-thinkers, it was the headache we get when, hand behind pillow, nose towards ceiling, we get to thinking at night and we cannot stop. To us no-brainers, it was the migraine of a math test in which we couldn’t find the answer.

It was Thought’s voice that exhibited more of a feeling than an actual How-you-Do; but it got inside the head somehow, and somehow-


Big money, Big prizes,” I said, in answer to its first question.

“You’re avoiding a mighty big elephant, Abester. What are you really looking for?” Forget what I said above*. It had lips. O-kay

* about not having a face

“Would you believe my name is ‘Question?’” the fully-lipped wraith asked.

“Not really- No. That’s a stupid name.” Can I call you Luigi?

What are you really looking for, Abel?” It was all mouth;  It had bracesJ .

J I tried poking fun at those braces to scar into its day and gain a definite advantage, but it said they were a rental, and very truly- since they were the kind of creepy a-dult braces dentists wear -it had nothing to scar. So there. “Thpt!” and blew a raspberry best it could.

rest stop: J J J

I could hardly breathe. The Question had me paralyzed, if not by fear of the unknown and unanswered..

“What are you looking for?” asked The Question’s webwork of teeth.

The Big Cheese! Doy. What else you got up here?- a refrigerator?”

Again, he asked it-Again. “Call it a game,” said he. “Humor me.”

I saw no humor in it.

Cheese was a very serious procedure where I come from.

The Question asked me again.

“Why,my stinkin virginity, good sir,” I said.

Who stole that?

“Look- mom. That’s a very personal question.”

The Wraith questioned, and a wisp of thought curled through my mind. It hurt to think.

“Okay, I’mgonnastopyourightthere,” said the alien in my stomach. “Look: I’m gonna . . . Eat you. If you don’t make an effort to consume some big cheese. “So if you don’t– ”

Suck eggs!

“I’m not sayin. I’m just s-” He looked rectified.

I looked into the pool and saw myself as a kid-noWait. That was my brother.

-I saw

Cain as a kid, and kind, and considerateand as one whowouldn’thurtaspider one scene; then kills without struggle, hesitation, or doubt-  a caterpillar– the next…

Thing is, I liked caterpillars.

Why’d he let the spiders go free?

L L L :pots tser

I declared us enemies: “Look, friend,” I said. .. What  kind-a  game  r  U  trying  to  play  on  mee?-”

Why? How? Who? What? When?” it chanted.

“Stop it, ya nerd!

Who?-What?-When?-Where?-Why?it kept chanting.

“Answer me, bastard!Aguarurh~ woo!” the last word I can’t pronounce.

It asked me Who more times than I could countI’m a very poor counter.

It wouldn’t stop chanting those words at me. Pushing my mind with a thousand million questions I couldn’t answer.

“You have entirely too much free time,” I said.

How? Who? What? When? W h e r e?


L L :pots tser

A spotlight shone on the bones in my face, and pretty soon, I had begun to break out with spots myself. I couldn’t hear anything, or see anything; but the forms of a question in my mind:


I began to weep bitterly, but the mist froze in my blood, and my face began to melt.


* You’re such a naggy sister.

I explained the night I got raped. “He got drunk one night!”

He watched a lot of porn! “We were close!I’m not gay! “But he- he. He freakin did!” He rapet- He rapet- He *Hiccup*. Bang’d! Someone else.

Why? Are you with us?

*Hi’up* “

Because he likes doing naughty things. I don’t know.” *Whisper, whisper*.

Speak up.”

“Look. We can go on forever like this, but I need to find this Big Cheese so I can save the best friends I ever had! I knew them only for a week, but that’s how depressing my life’s been, and I need. Lk: If there’s something out there- call it Truth. Then I need to know that, Question. Won’t you tell me?”

What? (No, this time I say it because I’m confused- my apologies). What did you say?”

I musta heard him wrong. I said, “Yes– the ‘what’ I am looking for is the meaning of life.”


“That I don’t know- Geez, does anyone?

“That’s what I’m searching for, I guess. Though, in truth- ” *

Groan *. “I’m not really looking for the meaning of life at all, thinkyou me socrazy?” *Snap * *Crackle* *Pop*:: “I guess, what I’m really searching for- What I really want -Is – Is – (and here’s where you totally puke, right? you practically have to, if society’s trained you right)- is God.Maybe hope in a post-modern system.)”

His braces shone.  “Todd? Who is this Todd?”

I’m sorry, did I say it wrong because I was *sniff *ling so much? “Yeah. God. He’s supposed to be the face to everything that is Beautiful, everything pure, everything good, or at least, he once represented all those things, in the year B.H., or Before Hippies. The Lord God’s a legend- Do you not have him on Mars?”

“We have Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes–  It’s a barbecue joint. Very popular. What do you want with this Lord- ‘Todd’?”

“I see it still sounds that way, all the sniffing. Forget it. Forget it all. Forget I even mentioned it.”

“Do you believe that you have answered me correctly- truthfully, I mean?” The Question asked me.

“. . Yes. Yes, I do.”

And are you being honest? Tell the truth.”

I was. “Y-es.”

You are close to finding this answer you are looking for, Abel. Keep searching. Don’t give up. May Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes be with you. It’s a very popular night spot. You should try their special luncheon. Do you want a coupon?”

“Yeah, you said that. And yesI would like a coupon. Do they serve sashimi?”

“I’m sorry, no. Everything is ssmoked. No sushi.”

“Darn the luck! Darn.”

rest stop: J J J

I think that’s the climax of the whole book, actually; though my English professor would tell me otherwise.

They always tell you the climax is something else when it shouldn’t be; but I say, the climax is right here; and all the rest is just anticlimactic fiddlee foof, though I’m sure there will be plenty of orgasms to come- human anatomy’s version of the climax*.

*– a very bodily one.”

rest stop: J J J


. It didn’t ask me a question back at this point; I must be onto something- good.

Tough love- I saw its lips smile and a brace get stuck on the lower half of the 🙂.

It looked real depressing that way. You could tell this nerd was a mouth-breather in life. “Won’t you look into your hands, then, Abel?” the Question- very quietly -asked me&.

& Who was he in life?

I looked down.  -My hands were stained, in sin, and violence. I could move again. I was no longer sinking. I was still bleeding- yeah; but as a goofy protagonist, I was always wounded. It felt good to be honest with myself, if you really want to know how I feel

“Won’t you look into your hands . . Abel?”

Imagine a flower ripening- I brought such fingery petals so terminally close to the heart as you could imagine them, and saw a question writhing in my handL .

L I felt, suddenly- concerned for it.

“You’re only human,” it said to me, “and so is that.”

I looked into the pool.

“Do I really need to tell you what is the ‘this’ you speak of?” It asked me.


“Then do you know what it is?” The Question asked me.

It’s me.

Is that really your answer?”

“It’s my only answer.”

Thus the wraith, the mist, the Question, it smiled, as if satisfied, and dissipated, rising     into the black and filing The Universe once againJ J , searching for answers and for those who give it.

J J with inquisitive Truth-hunts.

Confident- are you?

I could move again. I could hear again, see again. I had to see what was in that Looking Pool, but I’m afraid my fragile eggshell mind has cracked, and so have I.

So I looked in-

Naturally. The water was dark and deep inside me I sensed something familiar… Disturbingly.

L L L :pots tser

Kenny Boy and the others had reached me*.

*Kenny Boy realized he could fly.

Something strange happened then.


The Hitchhiker joined me out of the pool.

rest stop:


Here, I turned and stared at the ground where my shadow had stood waiting. “Who are you?” I asked the shade.

The Shade answered back- my backL L : “I am all that you could have had. .I am all the dreams that you’ve never dreamt, I am all the lives that you’ve never lived. I am all the places you’ve never been, I am you as you could’ve have been. Yes, I am.

L L Couldn’t wait ‘til High Noon, so I could step all over it. Do you got it?

“I am the alternate you, the other you. The you of Alternate Choices, a world a possibilities.”

“That’s a long name.”

“I know, right?- they really couldn’t fit it in the yearbook,” pause. “A lot of other kid’s shadows seriously traumatized me about it; but Mother Shade says ‘it’s your only name, so live it,’” If he could smile, he could, and he did. “Ilovemymama.” Hearts.

“So, what you’re saying is that I have a choice?”

“Always have. Y-ep.”

“So,” I  stop  and I breathe. “I can choose to kill you if I like?”

I never liked my shadow. I was through with this dream. I wanted out!

“I wouldn’t like that,” it said.

Heavens. Why not?”

Because you would be destroying a world of possibilities. Think!”

“And that’s what choice is, right?” I soften’d my lips with drool. “You choose one thing, and a whole world of events is created. You choose another thing and a whole nother world of events is created, and new choices; but you can’t choose both, you’ve got to choose one or the other- And here’s where I say it: I don’t trust you.”

I could choose both, but I never liked my shadow. He never stopped following me.

But I made you!” The Shadow said.

“And now I’m making you,” I said, in quiver. “I’m making you leave! . .

“What?! I think it’s kinda witty.”

“He’s right,” said The Hitchhiker. “It is kinda witty. Corny, though. Like Kansas is corny.

“Listen, you Shade, you Slime: we fart in your general direction! Abel Manning has a choice, always didJ , and now he’s making you leave. Now take up that banana yellow, and make your choice. Who will live and who will die? the Shadow? or the Hitchhiker?- keep in mind: my name’s highlighted in green. I don’t know why we’re doing this.”

J he is able. Man. He quite capable.

“I have made my decision,” I said- And here’s where

Hitch smiled : ^ .

I unsheathed my banana umbrella and instantaneously it was a four-edged tombstone.

I had to do this. Tell you why in a moment 😉

“Do what needs to be done,”

The Hitchhiker said, fluffing.

Twas then I chased my shadow to the edge of the Looking Pool’s dive board; I shoved him off and stabbed him there in the water. Immediately, the shade in the pool began to spurt out blood and organs. And fruit juice, and mucus and drool- and everything corpse-like and rotting.  Yes.

A world of possibilities was destroyed.

But I like the ones I kept better. And that’s why.

Just as soon, the pool began to overflow into a ocean in the usual amount to envelop uS, it, everything– the entire Labyrinth.

“Your highness!” said Miss Chimp from behind.

*Huff, Puff*.

Hold it, ya doof!” It seemed Payne had just reached the last stair.

Kenny Boy peeked his head behind them, and on his lap I saw the coloring book from the very beginning, ere we were swept away in an ocean current. “Oh, but we just got here,”   –But we began to freefall.

That should be the First climax.

Nothing is ever

evereveras excitingas your fantasy. We have Playboy to thank for that.


Still Dreaming

after all these years?,

Narrated by

Dr. Payne, Kill Joy; the Monkey.

Here’s a last salute to three low-paid narrators.

Think we’ll hit bottom soon?” says #@%&in Chimp Chimp.

“Dude, I hope so. This is so

boring. Getting splattered would be a nice change,” says #@%&in Abel.

We were in free fall. All of us.

From the #@%&in bottom of an ocean to the #@%&in heights of the end of space. Fuck, fuck, #@%&.

Her Chimpiness.

Kill Joy.      Abraham Lincoln. Me.

The Hitchhiker that Abe was jes tellin’  us about, I didn’t know where he was and I’m not about to pretend to care. A Hitchhiker is a hearty thing. It can take care of itself.

“Hey!” said #@%&in Abe through the water as we fell. We could still breathe somehow. “Did you guys see where that guy was I was talking to went?”

AbelHer Chimpiness looked concerned.

Though I am standing from far away, I can feel Payne’s head throbbing.

Play it here.

-“Take it as it Comes”  — the Doors, for when they’re falling. Take it easy, baby. Even if you’re whole world is falling.

Time to live
Time to lie
Time to laugh
Time to die

That’s the spirit!

So we’re freefallin from duh bottom of de ocean to de beginning of space.


Consequently, I checked. Due to wind resistance, you can’t talk during freefall. It’s impossible. So with everything on this fff un ride. Fuckers.

*Bleep *. The bleep came too late*.


* “If you’re an alien, how do you know  Earth languages?”

Like what?

“Like ‘fuck’. Fuck’s our word!”


$#@% you-”

“No, that’s silly. That’s stupid.”

By then, we had already rose in freefall to the top of the sea and spurted out of a somewhat vaginal volcano vent.

I pity the

J ! !

Through sea. . .

We fell till we chipped through the break of a sandbar and fell outta ocean and went upside downwards, into sky.

All around, birds the size of planes began to make shark circles about us, and peck, and make us bleed. I lost an ear and a leg, but Abel touched it with my umbrella, and my leg and ear grew back. I felt safe with Jesus around.

“Hey, Abel!” said De Payne, and he swam towards me, all the time talking at Abel. “If we don’t stop freefallin like dis,” he said, in his big idiot voice, “we’ll be in space in no time and den blow into a trillion pieces from de pressure!” D, D. D. Always the D’s! When will he learn to say Th ? “Lissen: Do you have somethin in dat umbrella of yourn dat can slow us down?”

It was worth a blow.

What she said.


Taking out his umbrella and pluming it out to full extent, he pressed a faceJ on it and the umbrella morphed into a bubble the size of a houseboat. He clasped the wind in his fingers and molded out of it, a stairway, and threw it before us so we could climb up solid air and into the bubble and be right-side up again. “Which side is . . . down?” and why didn’t you do that before? We didn’t need the Spiral Stair? but Abel was a very shallow-minded person. He never thought of anything you needed when you needed it.

When we entered the bubble, we stopped falling into eternity and began to float lazily down towards the ocean.

A bold wind blew.



The monsters of the deep.. the creatures that flew.. the rotting corpselets that clung to us- they couldn’t pierce the bubble and so drifted away into space and disappeared.

We didn’t say anything for a while- Just looked out across the ocean-mile in great lengths of jewl blue below a  star  that had began to lay itself to sleep into the deep. I pressed my face against its awesome surface tension and watched as we soared long distances over an ocean the sun had just painted to a polished green cream.


. . .. . .. . .

We drifted for many summers in that bubble  over sea  with nothing but blue to entertain our sanity   until finally a patch of brilliant green surfaced up from the ocean

Dr Payne pointed it out first  “You fools see dat?”

Land ho!” / [

You’re a ho! ] said the Land, feeling very offended at the remark. 

Set aback- We all turned our eyes towards the soft green sprouting out from water

It wasn’t there before was it?” I said&.

& no one seemed to notice it when I spoke  They attributed it all to Abel

It came straight from the ocean!” said Mr Chimp Chimp

[ I’m a girl, not an ‘It’! ] said the Land.

Where’s your vagina then?” said Mr Chimp “I have one.”

[ I have several! ] she shouted from far away,  [ Many of them volcanoes. ]

Ooh spicy” said Mr Chimp Chimp

Cheat!” said Payne.


[ You’re a whore! ]

Who cares where in heck it came from” said Payne  “Abel  yuh know how to get us over t dat island?”

I looked at Abe real sad  and he nodded  “N-ope”

$%*#Try any damned thingWave that parasol of yourn around like a French maid-s wand if you have ta! Wait  I gotta do this one more time  Land ho!”

[ Land good! Land not ho! Land married with children   You’ll be meeting my children soon. ]

For some reason I thought I-d get another response…”

How does an alien know about the French” said Chimp Chimp  sitting down on bubble  and looking at the flump of green growing bigger and bigger ere we approached it

The French are aliens” said Dr Payne  “I am a descendent of de French. Land ho!

[ Oh, I love that guy! Is he from Star Wars? Lando.]

Really?- the French are-”

“-No  But you believed it dere for a second  didn-t you”



Just twirl around yur damned umbre-lla AbelAnythin-s better den livin in a bubble!”

What about?- Okay,   geez” he said  “Here goes

Abel sat before the bubble and rammed it with his shoulder but it didn-t budge  I poked it with my forehead a couple times  but that did nothing  Chimpers began jumping up and down  digging the sharp end of her space boots into it   She loved those boots  She looked good in them

Nada Nada

Payne shook his big fat head  He walked over to the edge of the bubble  took out his giant purple rubber ducky  stuck out the sharp beak  and turning to us said real  grandmotherly

Now, children-  I’m gonna do this. Cover yer ears.”

. . .

. . .. . .Nothing.

The Good Doctor checked

back towards the crumb of green which now looked to be an island-size Honolulu  though I’ve never seen it  so I cant say I have it up to scale–  and once we had hovered over the dead-end center of the island  he raised his GiantRubberDucky over head and whammed it down into bubble

It popped with an unbelievable sound that sounded something like a new soufflé had just exploded in your head

and we all fell down into the green landfill and rolled down into grass

Where we heard childish laughter.


that called us each by name.. .

“I thought there was something fishy to an island that talks.”


You’re an Is-land!”]


See how they


Narrated by Abstract Observer,


Use these, the following…


… in your prose.

YE see you. That’s the spirit!


And these


 


 

 



Secret message:



Let me remind you why you were once afraid of the dark

the human, the ape, the Prince, the Alien are running now. .Wherefore art thou running, my little meeces?

There is a happy land

/where only children live
They don’t have the time to learn the ways

Of you sir,

//Mr. Grownup

If I fail to remind

send an irate complaint to my editor


Hesaid mostcreepythingsinvolveprecious, little girlsyouencounterjustaroundthe corner.




Skip ahead. Pause motion.  Playfor Todd’s sakes!

Everything was meadow- colored green, with tall, swaying grasses.

A North wind fuel’d by fireflies blew o’er a backdrop of towering, purple mounts and a still lake of glass in front of a puddle.

Cue sound. Noa better sound. Bigger.

The red tail of a river slithered up and o’er mountains that burned, and a smell of green pervaded the atmosphere. The skies were of gleaming ore. White glaciers floated out in some distant shore.

With each step the four Meeces took to grass, an explosion of smoldering color took to shape of their footprints; and lifting his feet, the Prince looked down to see that- out of the ashes of his print -grew a single eye, happy in petals.

The Prince stepped on a and found it had lung.“Ouch!” it informed him.

Said the Ape, “..I think this must be  where air  fresheners   come  from.”

“I feel something moving out there,” said the first Mouse to suspect, pointing to the eyes in tall grasses.. My Abel.

The Human Man-Child and His Chair rolled off- Didn’t care.

The Ape took to the thickets. There were so many stars, like a planetarium. More stars than sky! “I think this is where air fresheners come from,” she said.

Then the quiet eyes came peering out of the bushes, floating in midair. Just balls, really. Soon, their bodies were filled in where the balls were to reveal girls, girls!- no more than 5 years each.

There were sparkling diamonds in their eyes.

Said one giggly goil, , in some mix’d-up,  twist-up space-lettering.

They played patty’s cake and hop’s scotch- what a lovely sport! They skipped ropes and painted the earth blue smears with their finger tips.

They swept the four Meeces up in a dance.

Picking myself up, “Please and Thank You,” I thanked the girls, so strong they were- and dusted off something odd which hung me over my head,

What Waldo Left Behind . . .

You have found Waldo’s hat.  Hopefully, with these, your ears will feel warmer. Good for you!* / * boy, but isn’t this some pointless RPG item.


– the children in this castle are

more than what they appear.

Don’t believe a word they say. It’s witchkrafte & cheese.


  shall  be  our  last meeting

I will greet you, in person, once you grow up a little.

Abel, it’s been fun. Kenny Boy, you too. Dr. Payne: I  never  liked you. Miszer Chimp Chimp- you’re alright in small doses.


in hand, they scrawled to us, “I Wuv U”.

“Aw, lookit,” said Miss Chimp, everthesentimentalist. “It’s incorrectly spelled.”

However, somewhere deep inside him, the Prince Mouse, Abel, sensed the real danger of this place may not be who or what lives there. . the real danger was it was just so scenic and good-looking that you’d never want to leave!

He only wanted to leave because it seemed too beautiful to be true- and he wanted Truth.

“Dudes!” said Fair Prince Abel to the others, waving at ‘em. “I think we need to get the hell out of this place!”

“But it’s heaven. Why mention ‘hell’?”

But for all his royalty, they didn’t hear him or even bother to listen.

They were too distracted. There was so much to do!

When Chaos rules, Reality breaks.

Your head floats off your shoulders.

One of the girls asked the prince,

“You want me?”


wANT mE?

There were ’s on the . They sang, ‘Spider-man. Spider-man. Radioactive Spiider-man / Fling a web. Dum-dee, dum.  I’m sorry, what are my lyrics again?’

I smooshed it.

I want you to get away from me, yeah,” said the Prince Mouse.

One handed him a hole- a literal hole in time that could be plucked up and set anywhere -and she set it in his hand.

tHE hOLE iS bROKEN, said the now twice-sized girl- Enunciating, by some grim telepathy.

“I don’t .. know,” said he, not knowing what in heaven nor land, nor the worlds below it she was talking about. So he played along.

wHY iS tHE kETCHUP? said another.

Another little girl looked into her heart and answered, quite the matter-the-fact,


“Who is me?” said a kid what sat on his lap.

“Me am you,” said a child behind him.

“What am you?” said the under-age’d on his lap, loving up at him.

They spoke to me in an assortment of . It was driving me crazy!

”, they said. / “”, I shrieked back to them.

In this way she told me she ’d me. He didn’t answer, so she hissed.

gO sHOULD nOW, said another.

The Great Eye, lidless, looked down on them. Watcher of the Skies, Watcher of Children.

I see you.

Sang David Bowie, There is a happy land where only children live
You’ve had your chance and now the doors are closed sir, Mr. Grownup
Go away sir
Boo, de boo  dup

The Prince then looked off to where he saw the Alien being strangled and saw the Ape squatting there- just squatting by a wilted plant, scooping dirt and watering it- Then she shoveled it out of earth, and put it in a pot.

“What the ‘eck are you doing?” The Prince said to her from afar, but she was too far to hear it

All were running with

, she had ’s in her hand. ’s everywhere!

wHY, tAKING cARE oF tHE mOSTbEE-U-TIFULL pLANT i’VE eVER sEEN, she replied, after a longish while. fANCY tHE wAY I tALK nOW, dO yOU? I’M jUST lIKE yOU aM!

“Abel!” said the Alien through a sorta choked 1/2-whisper.

The Mouse looked back, smiled, and said, “Silly little girls, ain’t they?”

“?yeht t’nia ,slrig elttil ylliS”

“Shut up!” said the Payne and the Glory.

Turning back: “That plant’s not beautiful, ya stupid!” said the Mouse. “It’s got aphids, and it’s-it’s, it’s wilting; and can hardly be called a plant at all- See?! It’s got ears.”

i dON’T sEE iT tHAT wAY, and turned her head. Walked away. sO dOES cORN! she remembered to say from far away.

It really was an ugly plant. It was the only thing in that meadow that wasn’t ripe and full and thriving, and- for its difference alone and ability to stand under peer pressure-  maybe that’s what made it pretty…

Pretty dumb! thought the Prince.

rest stop:


Why don’t we leave this place? Now!

Well, we could, but that would be plot progression*.

*  who wants plot progression?  I demand it!

“C’mon, Guys!” said the Prince. “It don’t seem right!” meaning basically, Le’s go.

He had soon felt something sharp plug into his very spine in a convulsion that shook the drool off’n his lips. It was a little girl.

The Prince dug the girl out of his back- and soon they were upon him.

They chased the Prince. They snarled and growled, and pounced through tall grasses in a pool of warm vapors, prowling like lady lions.

Above all else, they begged, nayc o m m a nded him -not to go near the lake, which was a real helper “..Why not the lake?” he inquired, shoving one off. *Oof !*”


! said one that leapt in his hair and began to scratch at his ever-dilating eye.

-Borders of what? *Eek!*L

L my hair ! I just rinsed that.

wE mUST nEVer tELL. nOPE-nOPE-nOPE-   well  maybe…

“Is  it  beyond  borders  of  the  dream, then?” said he, going now towards the Human Cripple. He had about six or so gaining after him too**.

** “Hold it!!  If we knowthis is a dream, why don’t we wake up now?” was the reader-suggestion.

They tried. It didn’t work. “There must be something keeping us here,” said theCharacters.

Another legion of cutesy girls went skipping infrontuv ‘em armed with, oh-  the jumpiest ropes. wHY nOT cOME pLAY wITH uS? sTAY hERE. nO fEAR! aLWAYS hERE-  Forever… Stay with us, Just 1 more year:-3.

..But Pleez and Crackers! -yOU mUST nEVER lEAVE:~o

Their pleadings soon became a rhythmic jungle beat.

“Take this!” they said, holding up a geranium with an alligator’s head. “Eat and you will stay with us in freedom forever.”

“So obviously not what I’m going to do!” said the Prince. “You little kids need a timeout, Seriously!“ or group therapy, I suggested. “Like, didn’t your mother ever spank you!”

eAT aND bE fREE, they insisted, losing all control of their “”, and primary sent-ence structure. Sheesh~

“-Eat this!”

And so, they began to race.


FBC:pots tser

They had already put the Ape in a pot, so The Prince, called Leba, went to save her.

“Mr. Chimp Chimp!” said the Prince. “Hold on, big buddy!”

Rolling down the hill, the Prince Mouse rammed into the pot, and out flew the Ape whohetold to come with him.

“No-!” she said. “I want to stay with my friends. “Harumff!” and crossed her arms.

“Chimpers, be reasonable,” said His Mousiness, as the disciplining parent to the spoiled child. “They’re a bunch of cannibalizing children. Think

“..Except- if they ate you, I don’t suppose they would be cannibals, since you’re a monkey.”

That-other-thing!” said the Ape.

“Could be,” said he.

“Look: just come with me.. y-es?”

-and they ask them what’s their favorite color, and Payne says, “Any Colour You Like,” which is also the name of our next song Pink Floyd. / [INSERT LYRICS

HERE– oh, but there are no lyrics. It’s all instrumental. ]

rest stop:


They started to chase scene, running like quick heartbeats pumping through, oh- the darkest vein.



..They made for the lake.


GBC:pots tser

Abel: The children laid a in our path.

It began to count down the billiard balls on a pool table from which we found ourselves the

painted numbers, and it the cue ball;


How many am I holding up?

That’s the number of friends I’ve had:- one for every season and age. Tell me I’m not depressed. Go ahead.

Just tell me.

You’ve been . You’ve been . . You’ve been – such good friends to me. *tears*

The Cripple set them on the edge of the lake, and the Alien stood cringing [beside it], looking into the water. Said he, “They said not tuh disturb de watuhs. Dere are tings in de watuh. Awful things. Dude, I don’t tink we should go in.” In fact, I highly advise against it.

The children became distance.


But to aid us on the stillground appeared an assortment of shapes *poof*: mainly the triAngle.


Together, we pieced them together unto a bridge to the





sky! This didn’t work as well as may be imagined*. (It all fell down). *Especially the really pointy parts, though we thought the base was right on. ;>

“I still don’t think we should go in

” said the Alien.

rest stop:

We came to an unpainted sTop sign.

No whatever this is: . No whatever this is allowed!

In the water of the evil lake, if it could be called water, it could be called evil and I’ll tell you why:

“Remember to recycle!” it told us, and informed us that solongaswedid–   we could pass.

Evil!I say. Read on..

Anyway, eachofus tossed in some useless junk we didn’t want and the Immovable Sign moved out of our way.  All it took was that whole hippie / mankind / whale / tree thing.

“Yeah, we’re going in!” announced the Prince. [we’re] Wading in too!”

The Prince took off his slacks and unbuttoned his blouse and tossed them in the Alien’s face. “Keep these undies sparkling,” he said. “They’re cleaner than you anda smoochbraver.”  / ‘They would be, clinging to your ass,’ said the Ape, still begrudging him the loss of her SocialFriendNetwork. / “Might keep ya safe anyways. They’re titanium-steel.”

Says Payne,depressed/suddenly slowing/..looking old; abruptly a little doll like them, lEAVE mE hERE. iT’S tHE oNLY wORLD i’VE eVER kNOWN. yOUR dREAM iS mY jUST rEALITY*.

* I don’t even exist.

“O Posh!” I said, from very far away. “Don’t get so durn emotional. Here, I’ll help you,” and led him by the tie.

The children put their hot, rockin bodies in front of us.

We would’ve passed them as easy as you can quite awkwardly say, “Dlkajerta,” but the fattest

I guess this should be intimidating: Is it?”

  / “Not really, no. But your girth’s frightening.”

* ‘e said his name was  ‘Andy.

“Well, good.


“I’m gonna shut up now and scare you more by my silence,” and stood there, frightening us by sheer size.

“What do we care, it’s not doing anything,” said the Prince;

then turning: “Kenny, c’mon- We’re leaving. -Right over this lake, and over that mountain there. I don’t care if it’s impossible, because I feel like it, so that’s what we’re doing.  -I’m in a terrible mood.” He was in a bad mood.

We only had so much

, u’see. We better it, or it, or , or fly it. Fly !

We passed by a large principality of cactus

and baking sun ; a

a g

rrreat community of rich folks , part of a boob ; the Comedian Carrot Top, who briefly enjoyed my use of prop comedy- you’re welcome -before he popped me one and sent us in a speeding to the hospital for stealing his humor. I gave him a to make him feel all better.

Kindness among strangers is great


. . . . . . . . .

There were mountains

, but they were mostly just little right-side A’s, 2dimensional, and you couldn’t climb up from the front as there was nothing painted there*

* in this uni-dimensional canvas world

We went by boat: , which I wasn’tsosure if this was a little man paddling a raftor if that was just the top of a fujdgin steamer.

[Read this next part fast


We passed whatever this is  and what mustve been the buried part of the Leaning Tower of Pisa: 

Secret Message, Secret Message

These were our stairs: .-see? We used them for mile on miles. Theroadwasourhome: . / This beachhouse was our second home:. / Thisbus was a hobo’s home: . / This megaphone hurts real loud: , and you’re not wearing pants right now. Did I catch yu?  

Hopefully, I’ll catch ya next time, I’ll g

et yu. You watch  out.

rest stop:


It’s like a slide show..

The next line of countryside looked like this:

 so I bypass all description. It saves words. A very screwed-up place, that one. Kinda seems all tossed together.

A little man waved to us. He looked like this from afar:



theCymbal which was a Symbol stopped us, and said, “That man’s dangerous, that man’s the devil, he’s been shadowing you from afar; he wants to sell you House Insurance, but I’m one hell of a guy. Lisenere,” and we listened.   in , he said, “Before you are eligible to flee forth these evil ruffians, you must fill out the proper forms,” and handed us the literature. Paperwork the size of  .well it wasn’t Dr Seuss.

..DrPayne put on his reading ’s. “Ehhuhhuhhem!” he said.



, Paperwork!” trees all around, and said, “Sign here , here, and . Checkmark here. Dot the i. Good, good, Keep inside the []. Now fold it. Oh, don’t sign there, you’ll explode if you sign there! And to amuse me, make one of those very uppity, sideways and’s. There you go. Thank you,” and bid us good day.

“Would you like our special surprise package?” he said, winking as only a cymbal can wink;(


“Oooh-hoo! Ook!” said Miss Chimp, giddy as a girl. “What’s that?”

“Shut up, there’s no time!” said Payne, “

..Some of us are delicious. My species was herded as goats long before people discovered we had an intelligence. The children mightknow that.”

What’s the surprise package?” saidMissChimp.

The Cymbal

, if a cymbal could, and it did, softly smiled . . . “Boo,” and disappeared.

Suddenly, we were five hundred feet in the air. I suppose we didn’t disappear at all, and

it had stayed exactly where it was. We were licensed for flight, u’understand. Whatever that paperwork was we had signed, it had given us wings, and now, till the end of the Dream World, we could fly!


youwanttocongratulateme ontakingupthatspecialoffernow, huh?” / Shut up. / Everything was filed and all the paperwork put away, and he even gave us extra copies sorta*, and a vibrating if we ever got lonely.  “See, it’s not all a waste. I Love it,” I’m not sure who said that, but we had better going. 

*a sorta souvenir of our next trip.

Miss Chimp took out her

,and prettied herself.



There was a little tower

for us to fly through. There was also an , a , and a stunning signifying some end of an end, but who’s counting?- those were too interesting to fly through, so we took the furst!

This would’ve worked really well, except D

r Payne kept insisting that it was stupid, this is stupid, your voice is stupid; get the door, stupid- that the Cymbal with the paperwork banged himself, both Cymbals *crash*, said, “Fine! Don’t have hyper-dimensional powers!” and burned all our paperwork and the copies.

-Fortunately, Kenny kept his copy in his beard, but he could fly anyways, so

..Now he was just a limp fish hovering,if he ever used the powers.

Pointless to sayout of embarrassment he stayed in his chair. Are you listening to this?

Specks of starlight were playing darts over the blueMountain so tall we had quite a view of the sunsets. Night was ‘dawning,’ and when the light hit the gre’en grass behind it sizzled into flame and disappeared forever. If night hit them, they would be boiled alive.

If the sun went down, so did they. Reflect upon that.

They were in foothills made of feet, all socked of course.

“Oh, come the fugg on!” said the Alien, still curdled up in shrimp position at wet’s edge. “You’ll die if you go in there, u understand.”

“Just watch,” said the Mouse.

He took a step in the water to wade across and was freaky-deaked to see that his step didn’t pierce the water. It was weird, yu understand. I mean to stay, he felt the water under his feet, it was wet and cold and everything you might expect, right?- but he couldn’t go through it! He’d only step on the water.. it’d shift a bit, and he’d have to keep his balance, the lake rippling godward from each toe like ‘e was a water bug on the surface, or maybe we were very small.

The Prince Mouse turned around and motioned with his head to the G

imp. “I said, K’mon! It’s just like a water bed back home. Hurry~

The Gimp rolled onto the water and the water kept him up- solid as krypt


As they rolled on so came the laughter of fish. A fish-beast leapt up from the bed of the lagoon

, through the pebbled bottom, and came shimmering down- a rock in the mouth of a beast with a hundred eyes. The eyes stared at them, and the lake began to move as a stream, flowing with little eddiesand then coming into  falls at the sight of a white water demise.

“What the

$#*%’s up with the lake?”

The Alien stood behind him, looking real freaked out.

There was a colossal

for us to conquer. It took some climbing, but we made it.

rest stop:


. . The Prince looked behind o

ne last time and there stood Faceless in a crowd of children,telling them how rainbows are made. 


GBC:pots tser

>It began to . It began to thunder. 

“So now where de $#*% are we?” said Dr. Payne.

There were arrows directing us in every which




~w~ay?This wasn’t getting usanyFn’where.


hich way.. 

?????J .

J ???????.

??????L L .


?????????.to go? .. .

This is my face thinking

-the sun ate away at the night.

Its flamed teeth gnawed into the bruised countryside, sank molten gums down; lifted, chewed, and out spat a world of light and fire. ‘Blot out the oppressing dark!’ the sky it made cried, weary of night depression

“I remember now,” says the alien called Payne. “That was the part of the night we called day,” for he had not seen notanight for the past four hundred years. 

“Well, hurry on!

We’re not out ontuh easy street yet. Hell~o?” Hey, I’m talking to you

They had all gathered on Gimp’s wheelchair which also functioned as a flotation device and had begun to drift at sea, wandering.

“You know how things aren’t as they appear in this world?” said Prince to the Apers.



“You see that sky up there?”

We all looked up and everything seemed standard.

The moon was very full. It looked like .

“Yes, I see

a sky.”


was hot, the sky was blazing.

A li

ttle sniper scope went to my head. I didn’t know they had rifles.

Softly, it began to snow

. Put aon your tongue. Oh, that’s what that was!

“Well, don’t you think that if this is a dream and if this be

our dreams-  then we could manipulate it?”

“Game, Set and Match, Abel,” said the Ape. “You know, you may just be waking up. Be careful- ”

“Sweet onions!” said the Prince. The Prince tried moving a cloud.

M-huh?” said the Alien, wrapping his bones together-

this is not something a human does.

The Prince smacked him on the shoulder and said, “That sky is movable, man!”


The Prince stood up in a lick and looked across the clouds, and the stars, and the sun, and the moon,

and he thought that just maybe à

“I bet we can climb across those clouds and find something up there- What say you?”

“You crazy?” said the Alien. “Abel, yer a damned fool,”

if ever I saw one.

“Yeah, I know,” said he, smiling. “And this damn fool’s gonna save your arse. K’mon!” Are they down n—

He had him pinch his ‘fingers’ together against a cloud and said to him, “Now hold unto it. Jump.. And try to swing to the next cloud. Lisenere.”

He shrugged his shoulders and jumped, expecting to fall down into the water. But he didn’t.. He just hung there, looking stupid.

The Prince Mouse tittered, found a star to hang onto and leapt

up into sky, dancing on a star,  swinging to a cloud.

The Apers puffed out her chest and said, “Now this is a monkey’s job!”

“You’re not a monkey!” we said back down to her.

“Coulda tricked you,” she said, and leapt unto a star to make her own lane-


Ere, the four empower’d travelers swung on stars and clouds til the Ape tried swinging into the sun and bounced off.

“Whoa!” said the Prince. “I think you found something, monkey


Not aurggh.. Imother and I mother, and this is the respect I get?”

The Prince swung just

[near] the sun as to notexplode, and- slinging off a cloud -leapt o’er that fiery gas ball and found that it was cool. He knocked three times, and it sounded.. hollow. Like something was contained inside, ‘maybe our whole universe.’

It even had a lit’le handle on it- A door maybe? “C’mere,”

‘e said. “I think I found a wine closet.”

They swung speedily over at the thought of wine, not doubting that there could be so insane a content in that which contains all that w

as, is, and mayfrigginbe. But the knob to the door seemed busted.

So I smiled and-

say the word -the Prince turned back to them*. “Watch this,” he said, and pressed the L on his umbrella.


seeming to find a way out that not even I, in all my years trapped inside this nightmare with the Alien Payne- could seek out

By my knowledge, his arm would’ve felt like two freight trains pulling it apart in two dif’rent directions, full steam, and b

oy did his face show it. His hand melted into the yellow of the umbrella and his yellow umbrella morphed into a giant yellow hand. Pointless.

Poor kind Abel. There is d

anger for you this night. .Take care lest an opportunity is now offered you, which- if declined -will plunge you into the deepest woe.

Knock, knock. “

Banana.” He had long begun knocking on the door with that giant hand till it exploded aflame- And the sun broke in pieces.

Ever heard that expression “The sky is falling.

It’s real, it’s true, it happens. At least in dreams.

Watch as weswing from star to star without ever such the smallest of noise! Look closely and listen, and wait!

For the time of reawakening is nigh but not so nigh that

I wouldn’t bore you by the particulars of the opening of a door which is so large as to not containing no less than the entire universe!

The whole earth shook and the seas convulsed

and foamed in the panic of a seizure victim and became like a dead thing, the water to blood and the sky to black-  torn rags and shhattered cloth. The sky also had broke into slabs of glass.

What a dream is,

explains Payne;-0is you’re trapped inside a thought’s bubble.

At once the four travelers–but where are they? They are no longer there! Meeces could not have disappeared more quickly*.

*I shall not tell you where they are, with the exception of I, who had escaped thru the gaping portal round.

“the human

, the ape, the Prince, and the Alien are running now. Wherefore art thou running my little meeces?”

Still, the Prince looked back towards the land

Sy  mbolic they had escaped thru careless luck, and a little skill. The whole island shook off its meadow like a rug and became the single devil’s  of the Faceless One-   smiling up at us.

.su at pu gnilims ,

But first

, joke time. Yay! I love joke time.


isten: A pirate had a wheel on his zipper. What’s that for? we say.

Argh. It’s driving me nuts!and that’s the hook.

So we hear the candy girls,  softly singing. They carry on our tune,

Osadly singing- 

gripping it by the handles.



Narrated by our

yord and hero,

Abel Manning

~with closing words by Monkey Man

~Is nothing real? nor is there no such thing as reality?*

* which is really just a taper at the same thing. Hey!

Do  you  seriously  believe  that  nothing  is  real, Abel?”

..Is everythingjust a dream?


hat we were in was a garage- What a buttery garage. It looked like this: .

We were out of the baby hoos who kept our eternal prison of slumber slumb

ring, and the scientist WYs all busily scribbling down notes and nodding to each other in agreement*, the Great Eyetheir man in the middle. On his penguin’s tux, a little bowtie: 

*, of what?

He said to us

, and went away.

Said the nurse attending me,

Smell good enough for you in there?- How’s the smell?”


L L :pots tser


now for a series of Whats.


he Chimpers was rubbing her head next to me, Dr. Payne was breathing some infernal blasphemy, happy to finally be awake after all these 400s of years and finding full use of his muscles in which they had kept on vibrate*, ere Kenny Boy jolted up in his wheel chair, looking around the insides of apyramid.

*should they ever ‘ave use for him.

We were awake, or at least I thi

nk we were awake.

-Or was this just a Poe within a


“Answer the question,

Manning,” said a voice. “Do you seriously believing nothing is real?- Nothing?” then what are you?*

* Have some self-esteem.~You’re worth th

at much- Iknow.


L L :pots tser


uch was the Rat Race as seen from the outside. Humanpet of the hamster in a cage.

Being fed pellets by gigantor Hamtors. Running their forevers on a giant mamster wheel. “What a cute little human,” says Bobi

, daughter of the High scientist.

Ere, I

sawFacelessOne standing below us- palmstogetherwiththefingerspressedtohernowherelipsthewayCath’licsdowhentheypraytotheVirgin Mother.

“What the

duck-billed platypus you want?” I said.

Iwant.. [Dot, dot.]toansweras1nglequestion. Hear me!I’m listening.

This little symbol was written all over his forehead

, so you know hes mysterious. “Do you believe anything is really real- really?”


S/he nodded but I couldn’t see any expression on her face. S/he was faceless, u

know. Chest is best, uknow. The sun’s hot, uknow*. “If you so faithfully believe that I am only a part of your dream. . ” said it. “Then undream me”

* BestCardfaceI’deevurseen.

I took her bluff and shot a look at her. “Fine. I