There’ll Always Be Snooty English Persons to Set the English Language Straight
First thing I do when I get up in the morning, I panic. Then I let my dog out. Then I do the dishes – Q-burt
Anyways, this is the only episode I’ll be indulgent.
“I’m gonna make a story. . I’m gonna tell it to you. . Let’s play…”
ABOUT BAD BOOKS: “If you really want me to read your book- you have to reach out and bite me.”
This is the only Episode I’m going to indulge myself, so enjoy it. This is going to be good.)
There’s a famous saying someone said. Lucky for us, I don’t care what he said. I’m not quoting anybody.
Anyways. Hi there, I’m mr. everyday people, and I have a 100 IQ. I’m an idiot.
I almost feel like the IQ test is all about solving puzzles*
* it’s more math-oriented, it’s all logic. .and the thing is, I hate puzzles!
I hate crossword puzzles, I make strange gargling noises at jigsaw puzzles when presented**
**-(like a hero had ordered for all-garlic pizza and showed it to me, a vampire).
I cheat my way through Zelda puzzles, in videogame, with long, elaborate step-by-step walkthrough guides.
Point is, according to the puzzle-oriented IQ test, I’m not very smart. .90-100 is average, 78 is Muhammad Ali, and you’ve seen how stupid an average person can be when somebody yells, “Fire! Fire!” they panic.
You. You there, reading this book. You’re probably smarter than me.
..Thing is, though I know we’re all born with special skills, I work extra hard on the one I feel has the most potential, and the one I can really stand. I’m just a goofy guy by nature.
Are you still interested in this?
-This should comfort you to know that I’m not a genius; but does this now mean you must work extra hard to produce a brilliant work? Why, yes. Yes, it does. Unless it comes easy to you- Yes it does.
140 is Hilary Clinton. 160: Quentin Terentino. 210: some Asian guy.
228- a very attractive woman.
..It should also comfort you to know that the most brilliant geniuses I’ve listed (210, 228) have done almost next to nothing with their lives. Life came too easy for them- they hardly tried.
That’s why I say ‘some Asian guy,’ that’s why I say, ‘a woman.’
Einstein is 160 if you’re asking.
I know I’m just a little bit above average, but I try really hard! So Hard I Use Exclamation Points!!
This is my attack on the common usage of words.
Pick up your quill, you stupid, beat poet! Get the ball rolling.
TITLE: “If I Were an English Teacher.”
“If I were an English teacher, I wouldn’t have my kids write essays at all. That teaches them to hate writing.” (Who’s speaking?)
“I’d let them write stories and to write whatever they want, whatever subject they want, whatever genre they want in whatever style they want so long as they enjoy it. They probably won’t..” (I said, who’s speaking, buddy?!)
“And I wouldn’t have them read anything that was too wordy or that they couldn’t understand.” (I am!)
“Teaching kids to read boring Shakespearean-Dickens crap is setting them up to hate reading all together. Maybe I’ll teach them Steinbeck, Bradbury, and Vonnegut instead. That way, they won’t learn to feel pain at the mere mention of books and literature.”
Here’s something else I notice that really irks me.
On observation of dime-store novels. His eyes!
blah-de-blah-yada. / then her eyes blah-de-blah-yada.! / Then his eyes did this blah-de-blah and her eyes did that! / But her eyes blah-de-blah. / Doesn’t anybody else ever notice this? The prevalence of eyes in everything? We can’t describe anything else?
Talking about eyes all the time you’d think you were all optometrists. My dear disciples in literature, don’t talk about eyes. Don’t do it. Stop that. It’s been done before, and done before, and done before and- well, you see how redundant this gets? There are so many other bodily parts!
I’d be honored to write a book that isn’t about humans, too.
No make-up exams in life, choose careful, bro~
Gallenthmir says her favorite book is “Mr. Bunnsy Has an Adventure”. That’s because it never was. There was no adventure. There was no such book.
Obnoxious Mother character takes away her daughter’s “Butter Battle Book”, and says, “You’ll learn to grow up like me: Bitter and Well-Adjusted”.
TITLE OF SOMETHING: “Days Add Up”
One day after another creates something great.
Walk with me now. Are you a first person writer, or a third person writer? Let’s avoid second person for now?
You have to understand–you see life through your 1st Person View, and I see life through my 1st Person View. You there! — we’re not too different. We’re all the narrators of our own stories.
Start wherever you’re comfortable.
I start with Reading.
“Reading is the beginning of all writing. If you don’t read–how will you know how to write? I wonder what the first writer did…” Cave paintings.
TITLE ABOUT RIGHT INTELLIGENCE: “I Don’t Think Shakespeare Was As Smart As Everybody Thinks.” And he isn’t.
My thoughts on Romeo & Juliet. If their parents weren’t fighting, they’d just have sex and break up. My friend Angie James said that 😉 Thank you.
Anyways, Shakespeare wouldn’t be popular if it didn’t have thee’s and thou’s. “Such language! Such language!” My mother used to say that to me when I said something bad. That’s the words my college professor used when he would describe Shakespeare, and how good he was.
I never met a person that liked Shakespeare that was a good writer. I met every other good writer .. that wasn’t into Shakespeare.
Shakespeare, I can only deduce my professor must keep in the back of his mind. Now, I paid for this intelligence in college studies. I bought it in college. It was expensive. I must keep it! I must cherish it as my own. Such language! is how my English professor described Shakespeare to me. It has all these words, you see. “It’s so old!”
Shakespeare could say anything and my English professor would be saying, “Such language!” Like none could ever do any better. Like absolutely everything he said — was a gem.
It’s true. Shakespeare cannot be beaten..
When he was in pre-school, even in a race, and there were three or four faster than him, the teacher would call out, “No one can beat Shakespeare! Stop!” and Shakespeare won.
“How dare you say there can ever be a writer better than Shakespeare! He lived 400 years ago!” or something, some will tell me.
They’ll quote anything he says. He could say, “Hey there,” and people would be putting it on T-shirts. Maybe I envy him. You know, that’s probably partially true.
But there’s one thing he did I really like.
The Lion King is the best thing Shakespeare ever did.
Title, “Coffee-Shop Writer”
Everyone’s a writer writing in a coffee shop, and they’re writing this very story, “I gotta write my masterpiece!” They scream this, but we don’t find that out ‘til the end, and that’s the twist! It’s about writers. But writers aren’t people.
Play this game with me. Pick a dime-store novel, any novel! Now tally up all eyes, all forms of death, and any reference to love.
Is it set in New York? . . It Is.
Are they smoking? . . Since babies.
Pain. . Pain.
“I’m a writer!” says the central protagonist.
“I’m a writer too!”
“Ahh! Writer’s block!”
“I gotta finish my masterpiece!” but in the end, of course, we know he doesn’t.
There’s plenty of wrong ways to write a book, and very few right ones.
TITLE: “I Could Do That”
Says he, “I could do that.”
“No, you couldn’t, you’re not famous.”
“Yeah, you gotta be famous to perform great feats of entertainment!”
“What did the famous people do before they were famous, I wonder?”
Who were those great artists before anyone knew about them?
They were me. They were you. They were nobody. They were losers.
TITLE: “What I Find Most Important”
SONG TO PLAY: “Rebel Army Theme” — Nobuo Uematsu, Final Fantasy II
Dialogue’s probably the most important thing.
No one usually makes fun of an artist who make good dialogue, like Quentin Tarantino, even if that’s the only thing they can do.
As long as you can make good dialogue, you can at least narrate in the first person perspective like a Holden Caulfield. You don’t even need to describe anything. You don’t even need good prose.
English teachers will hate me for saying that.
Though, of course, if you can describe things like good ol’ John did in his Rabbit Series, that’s good too.
He did both almost nearly better than anyone.
And though I agree that all other techniques count for their weight in writing, Dialogue’s best. It’s the most important thing to work on. If you don’t have that, be prepared to be made fun of. The critics will hate you!
If all you knew was Dialogue, you could still be a successful writer. Hemingway was this. The guy who wrote Rhye was this. Truly!
TITLE FOR GOD: “A Fiction in His Mind”
Really. Truly. Very. So.
Admit it, Brainy-
-you need rest, and in due time, when your genius need arise the next day for some more work, you can summon the energies to use it again- Your genius won’t go away. A wise man once told me, “It’s how you think.” Your genius is there. It won’t go away. It’s how you think.
Learn to sleep a little. Rest, me smarties. Rest.
This isn’t a money job, I don’t write for money. If it’s money you’re wanting, find a money-job, No?
I cry real tears for you if you’re wanting money.
“Yeah, it’s not too well written.” / “Well, he tries..”
When you’re a writer, your work is — well, it’s just something you live around it.
You eat around it, you clip your nails, do your eyeliner around it, whatever, I dono. Everything you do, you do around it. Work is something you’re always doing, so you never really stop, so you gotta plan some TV time in between. I watch movies.
And here’s what it all comes down to: Just write.
My advice to you: Just write.
TITLE ABOUT SHAKESPEARE ENDINGS SUCKING: “You Don’t Have to Kill Everything to Make a Good Finish”
I’ll tell you what a writer is. I’ll tell you what a writer isn’t. They’re not the picture of some famous man in a tux on the back of a best-seller, no. Not the way we picture them. They work everyday. They’re working people.
And no one takes them serious.
I’ll also tell you some good advice…
The middle of your book should be your best. That’s where everything is. The middle of a story, I mean.
Some more good advice..
I don’t think that’s the measure of intelligence, is how many big words you know. Can you use them, and if so, why should you? Even so, looking up new words and memorizing them isn’t the best way to measure your Intelligence Quotient.
But “A good editor can fix anything: Make anything look good.” You’re your first editor!
TITLE ABOUT BAD GRAMMAR: “Proper ‘Nunciation, Yo!”
What I hate about fiction, Reader. The first thing, and the only thing they describe is–their eyes. In television, I hate the Talking Heads–just switching back, talking. Dreadful camera angles! In books–it’s the eyes. You don’t even get the head!
Just an eyesome darkness like outta some Luney Tune toon, and here I’m suspecting Daffy Duck to light a match in a dim room obvious with dynamite and blow his beak off like he does so well.
But I don’t even get that in books!
Even Lord of the Rings does this. When he’s not describing fir trees and birds I need to know nothing about…
But I’m not going to coffee-coat it: I work extremely hard. I get up everyone morning and the first thing I do is work!
I work ‘til I’m finished- I take maybe an 8 minute break every 50 minutes. I don’t know where the other 2 minutes go, but it’s probably in water-drinking, as I live in the desert, and it’s very dry here.
Most writers don’t do this- working that is.
Most writers go to coffee shops and impress people with their laptop technology. “Are you watching me do it? I almost did it.” That’s not writing!
Writing is your job, you need to do it everyday, or like a piano player, 3 days out of practice makes you rusty, and your critics will know it, and Bradbury was right about that.
I’m sorry, but you’re not a writer if you never write. You just like the idea of writing- as a maybe kinda sorta hobby, or a possible job choice.
To make it easier for me, I don’t even call it writing. I don’t know what that means anymore. I call it storytelling*. ]
*To me, writing was essays, and, because of the torture of writing pointless debates in TS, CD, CM, CM, CD, CM, CM, CON**, it will always be that format, as I am brainwashed by it.
I get up and I tell stories just the way I’d tell them to a friend in a coffee shop if I ever go there, but I don’t drink coffee.
I hate the stuff, though I like the ice cream.
Thing is, you don’t need coffee shops to be a good writer; very little is done in a coffee shop. But if you need to go into a social setting, by all means go there, but only if you are doing actual writing- at least 2 hours a day. That’s all I need.
Doing this is the best way to become a better writer- not by reading up on how to become a better writer, not by reading other writers- but by actually becoming a writer yourself.
So tell those stories, like you’re telling them to a friend.
But yes, to my angry critics, reading helps a bit. But it isn’t everything.
Thanks for reading my novel J
TITLE, MISPELLED: “If I Wer You”
Listen: Writers don’t belong in stories. “I’m a writer, and I’m going on adventures.”
Don’t- Don’t do this. Adventurers go on adventurers. Writers- go to coffee shops. I had to say this again- I just had to!
It’s not an exciting job choice. There’s a lot of sitting.
Never make this first mistake. Write about a job of interest- not Writing. Preferably, a job that moves. (This isn’t just trucking.)
“I’m the central protagonist!” says Manly Man. “No, I’m the central protagonist!” says Couch Face.
“You’re the villain, you have to be the antagonist.”
“Clearly, you haven’t studied theatre,” says Couch Face. “It doesn’t matter what alliance you are, good or evil, so long as you have an opposition character. Besides, my name, it’s in the title.”
“Let me check the script,” says Manly Man. “He’s right! But that still doesn’t prove anything.”-(Basically, no one’s the central protagonist in this book.)
And another thing.
Wait a minute. . I lost my train of thought.
Let’s start a new subject: Profanity.
We punctuate our sentences with cuss words because– 1, it’s easy. We don’t need to think up an original thought that way.
Try to avoid this and think up your own original ideas, and you’ll be an arm and leg above competition.
Yes, I’ll agree that putting your best foot forward in an intro is very important, and the last few pages you say, the few paragraphs- are very important, but I prescribe to the belief that the middle is the most important, and I’ll tell you why. Why am I going off on a tangent?
Because it’s vitally important! And I already told you how much I hate overused mouth magic*.
* cussing too much
You can catch my attention with a fancy Intro hook. You can bring me to tears with a last line you stole off a 70’s sitcom. But the middle is everything. The middle contains all the content. If all you can do is hook me and make me cry- that’s all you can do. You might as well be writing postcards.
That’s what most books try to do..
Make everything good, okay? If it’s not all good, if at any point of the story, at any word anyone can honestly say, “This has ceased to interest me,” then you have failed to present an interesting middle; which is everything! You’ve got to take me through it. The whole thing!
Title, “I’m not a reporter.”
I live with my grandmother . . .” Okay, you’ve lost me there. I stop reading.
Writer’s block. There’s no such thing! Only a lack of ideas. Just get down and make a list of all the stories and subjects you can write; make a skeleton of the basic story; and just work at a few paragraphs at a time. Sentence by sentence.
“Q-burt–hmm?” they ask me. “What does it mean?*” / “Means nothing. That’s why I picked it.” / “So existential.”
* I saw that there wasn’t a Q listed under the greatest authors ever list, and I took the opportunity.
TITLE: “I Can Never Write Better than My Dreams are Written. I Should Take You There Some Time.” God weaves them.
You don’t have to worry crap about the narrator’s character.
People are selfish, and so are you, so the narrator- narrated in part by You- develops itself rather generously. Don’t worry crap about the narrator. He’s fine.
Couch Face is narrated by an extremely selfish narrator, who butts in herself rather generously.
-So what is Couch Face, my readers? In essence, it’s a social commentary on America. Pure and simple. Everything is geared towards that. That’s my aim.
-So what should you keep in your library?
18th century authors, by the way. Who cares about them?.. They suck. There’s a much higher population now, and that means, mathematically speaking, a much higher chance for better authors, kapiche? Are we kapiche-ing here? I had hoped not. I like opinions. They make the world interesting.
At least, read the early and middle 20th century.
“The key to good storytelling is a well-equipped library. That’s well-equipped. Don’t give me any dime store novels. I’m talking about The Grapes of Wrath; Rabbit, Run; Ray Bradbury, The Hobbit, Peter and Wendy, Amy Hempel, the Last Unicorn. Don’t give me any Stephen King unless it’s Different Seasons now. I’m telling you. Quality, quality. I’ll-say-it-one-more-time: But you know what I’m going to say.
“This is to perpetually stimulate your imagination. Always be reading someone who’s better than you are.”
To future writers: “You can’t finish it all at once. Do something else in the meantime. Don’t give up on your friends.” They’re your strongest assets. They keep you alive, they develop your opinions; they keep your mind going, my god!”
But why did you start writing? I hope it wasn’t for the money.
“What I like about books, they’re different every time.” We do our part in creating it, imagining it- the readers.
I started writing to change the world.
TITLE OF NEO-REALISM: “People in Houses”. That’s all it Is. That’s all people who rate literature want us to write about.
SONG TO PLAY: “Corneria Castle” — Nobuo Uematsu, Final Fantasy I
If I were a professor, I wouldn’t prescribe essays. I would say, ‘Give me a dialogue between two people. They’re stranded in a wasteland and they have to drag the body of a dead horse with them across the waste. The horse must remain intact. Why are they carrying this dead horse?’ Give me a reason for this, a story with dialogue.
My friend’s answer was: a village in the snow country survived on a diet of horses.
Now, they landed in a parachute of a horse for this, ARE YOU LISTENING? and the horse died, broke their fall, and the meat was still good; while my idea was: This was the last horse on earth. They needed it for genetic material, but forget that only one cotton swap -(scrap an inside cheek)- could work. “Dangit!”
“Talk”. Just talk. That’s the word: Talk. Talk it to me. That’s writing!
Let’s set a gentle course of Unreason. I want to rant it to you, so I will. I’m enraged about most writing nowadays!
Are you prepared for some Fantastic Nonsense?
Modern writing: “Death. Death. Death.
Eyeballs. Eyeballs. Eyeballs. Love. Love.” I think that’s a pretty good impersonation. How ‘bout you? Read much?
WHERE’S THE BEAT
What’s the importance of this scene?
WHERE’S THE HOOK?
Will they want to read this new section at all from one glance at the begin?
WHERE’S THE PROMPT?
Will they want to read on?
But enough about that. I’m depressed now. I’m not writing anymore. You wanna know the rest of the story? Well, tough! I’m going home! / (Another writer takes his place. This time more in tune to his feminine side).
Call meJ J
yes, that’s the only reason I wrote this book. To get hook-ups.
-And Remember: The Ending is also everything! It can make or ruin an entire story. No matter how good the rest of the story is, the ending makes it great. It does. It’s the last thing that resonates with the reader and the last thing they will see, and the first thing they will remember when they come back to it.
Here’s how the ending would proceed in a story of mine if my novel were ever made into a movie. Fumbling for words, the story boarders say, “I dono what to say. Use ‘fuck.’”
But the beginning is easy. Just start in the middle of things, goddammit!
“So, we see, there are several types of non-verbal communication,” says Wife’s kids, a girl, in a school report, “-and only if you’re missing a limb, a voice box, or a coupla eyes, do you not have chance to use them.”* Steve** is asked to look over this research paper. He looks it over, throws It away, says, “It’s crap,” then does it himself. What a father.
* It’s a thinker ** Manly Man’s alter ego
Manly Man wholeheartedly believes, and will defend the fact, that Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle” stars a young Disney kid named Mowgli.